z

Young Writers Society



Translucent

by kittykat


Translucent

Exactly twelve days, nine hours, and forty-five minutes ago we arrived here by helicopter. Now if you're wondering where here is, you would have to ask someone who knows. When I tried to ask people they would just shake their heads and walk away. So far this is all I can say of whatever this place really is: it’s gloomy and damp and depressing. There is no sunlight or fresh air and the food taste cold and stale. Just the sight of it has actually made me cry before.

I’m still wondering why I’m here, why they took me out of my home and put me here. I’ve heard other people mumbling the exact same things to themselves. We live in old, broken down apartments with three or four people sharing one room. Did I mention that we’re underground, too? Baths are usually decided with a random name drawing out of a hat. I haven’t taken one in about three days so far, hopefully my name gets drawn soon…

While eating a dinner of stale bread and slightly warm soup I overheard a conversation of two soldiers passing by. They said that they were getting closer and they might have to move us to another sector. Who are they anyway? I hated being kept in the dark about these things! This is ridiculous! The government never trusts us anymore… Now that I think about it, I doubt that they ever did.

“Clean up!” called out a burly woman, coming around the table with a trashcan in one hand. She took the bowls, still filled with food or not, and dumped them into the trashcan.

One man stood up and shouted, “Hey! I was still eatin’ that.”

“Should’ve finished quicker then,” she replied bluntly.

I shoved the last piece of bread into my mouth before the woman took my half finished soup away. She paid no attention to me or the other people down the table. The hard ground felt cold underneath my bare feet, shoes weren’t allowed here for some reason or another. I suspected it was just so that the soldiers who could wear shoes had something to snicker at. The lights above the lunch room began to dim, signaling that it was time to get back to our rooms. A wave of people pushed me out of my seat and into one of the long passageways.

“Hurry up!” I heard someone shout from behind me.

The light got dimmer and the crowd moved quicker. My hand brushed against the dirt wall, knocking a few pieces off. I squeezed out of the mob and let them pass me by. The blur of people split into different halls to find the way to the main square where the apartments were located. Guards and soldiers mixed in with the people and made sure that everything was moving smoothly.

“It’ll be over soon,” I murmured, even though it was probably a lie.

It was almost completely dark now, a loud squeaking sound signaled that the doors to the passages were closing. But it didn’t matter to me today. I wanted to be alone for once even if it did mean sleeping in the dirt. Our beds weren’t exactly the cleanest thing here either so it wouldn’t be much of a change. I rested my chin on my knees and pulled them closer. Before falling into the deep sleep that I wanted so much, a light tapping sound came into range.

Far off down the hallway something small and glowing a bluish-green sat before me. Then, another one came out of nowhere and rolled a little bit closer to me. I stood up and walked towards the objects. Maybe it’s just some rat or something?

“H-hello?” I heard myself say. “Is anyone there?”

Another rock came flying by, faster this time, hitting the wall and breaking into smaller pieces. I jumped back in surprise and then stared down the odd looking rocks. Then there was a small laugh. it was growing louder and louder as it echoed throughout passage. I tiptoed to the corner and snaked my head around. That was no rat.

A boy with ashen white hair and a pale face sat chained to a wall with a metal collar. He had a hysterical smile spread across his face as he picked up another glowing rock. I stepped a little closer and looked at the walls around him. All of it was the shinning same beautiful blue-green color.

“Hello?” I said again, my voice growing a little stronger.

The boy’s head shot up, he looked at me with a pair of glinting red eyes. “Hey.”

I walked a little closer. “What are you doing here?”

“Throwin’ rocks,” he said flatly.

“I mean, why are you chained up? Shouldn’t you be with the others?”

The boy tilted his head to a side. “Shouldn’t you?” he retorted.

I stepped into the glowing cavern and gently touched the wall beside me. The rocks were cold and smooth, and for some odd reason it was comforting. Even though I had never been in a place remotely like this before, I couldn’t help but have the feeling of déjà vu. The boy picked up a handful of rocks, taking the largest one out of the pile and dropping the rest. He raised his hand up and threw it over to the wall beside the other rocks he had thrown.

“What’s that collar for?” My voice was returning to its shakiness.

The boy stretched his arms and gave a huge, dramatic yawn before standing up. “You would have to make a deal with me to get the answer.”

“What kind of a deal?”

“Well…” He picked up another rock and threw it. “Take this collar off of me and I’ll tell you what it’s for. And just because I’m such a nice guy, I’ll even show you the way out of here.”

I could feel my heart start to race with excitement. “Really? You seriously know the way out?”

He nodded his head and lifted his chin. “Just unclick this latch for me,”

That was all I needed to know, my fingers glided swiftly under his chin and got a firm grip on the metal collar. The latch was very simple, it was sort of like the one on a jewelry box I used to have. The metal collar fell to the ground with a loud clunk! between our feet. The boy rubbed his neck and gave me a sly smile.

“So where’s the exit?” I asked excitedly, ignoring the strange feeling I was starting to get from the look in his eyes. “My name is Fay, by the way,”

The boy looked at the blue-green ceiling above him. “That's it.”

“Why didn’t you get out before, if the exit was so close?”

“I just recently found this exit; I also just recently found that that stupid collar wouldn’t let me though.” He pointed back down at the piece of metal. “I’m Jasper,”

The boy, Jasper, pressed his hands against the rock. He jumped up and then both of his arms disappeared. I copied him and soon I could feel my hands slipping though something that felt somewhat like Jell-o. It was strangely soft, and the cool feeling that blew threw my fingers made them tingle… Then I realized it, that wasn’t the rock anymore—it was the wind! The real life, no joking wind! My heart was beating faster and faster as the rock swallowed the rest of my body, spitting me back up on the other side.

Finally, Jasper and I were both out of the cavern and onto the surface. The wind whipped around my hair, swirling around me as if it was happy that I was outside, too. The moon and stars never looked so beautiful before! I jumped and danced around happily, my squeals sounded like I was four again.

“I can’t believe we’re finally out! I can’t thank you enough! Jasper, I-” Just then I finally opened my eyes and looked around.

The buildings were crumbled and grey. The streets were cracked and everything looked abandoned. A loud roar suddenly came out of nowhere, a flock of birds passed overhead. Except that they weren’t birds, they were unlike anything that I had ever seen before. These things had a huge snapping beaks and long wings. The only thing that made these different from birds were their bodies; they had the body of a lion. Mrs. Phillips, an old history teacher of mine that I had a few years back, told us about these when we were studying Greek mythology. Gryphons, she called them.

“What happened?” my voice started to crack. “What’s going on?”

Jasper didn’t answer, but I hadn’t heard him leave so as far I knew he was still with me. I turned around to face him. Was it just me or did he looked different? His eyes were even redder now, glinting a blood red, and even his skin seemed a little paler than before. A malicious smile played across his face.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” he asked, laughing hysterically. “Have you ever seen such a magnificent sight?”

I staggered backwards, suddenly regretting ever wanting to get back to the surface. There was no other place to go now. I started hitting the ground with my fists, trying to find a way back in. But it didn’t work, it wouldn’t let me. I was hitting so hard that my knuckles started to bleed. Pain shot through my hands and arms. To make matters even worse, something grabbed the collar of my shirt and lifted me up into the air.

I couldn’t let this happen, not now, not ever. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there wasn’t anything I could do. A gust of wind slapped at my face and forced me to open my eyes. Jasper was grinning back at me. This isn’t how I wanted to die, not by the hand of this creature and certainly not at this age.

“Let me go!” I shrieked, trying to punch my way out of his grip.

Jasper raised his hand up again like he was going to throw another rock. Instead, he flicked his wrist back, making his nails grow into sharp claws. So is this what the government was protecting us from? Mythical creatures and whatever this guy was? He threw back his head in a deafening roar and then bared his fangs.

“Hasn’t your mommy ever told you to never trust strangers?” he growled gleefully.

As much as I wanted to say that he was wrong—he wasn’t. What had caused me to trust this person, or thing… or whatever he was! I should’ve left once I saw that collar, I should’ve figured out that it was put there for a purpose. An important purpose at that. Jasper’s tightening grip pulled me out of my thoughts, his other hand slashed at my arm. The claws ripped the dark black sleeve of my sweater and reached my bare limb. It was the first time I ever saw that much blood coming out… The meal of stale bread and cold soup threatened to come back up.

Buildings around me were flying by, and before I could realize what just happened something warm was dripping down the back of my head. I tried to scream something out—as if that would help—but my mouth wouldn't move.

The last thing that I saw before the darkness engulfed me was Jasper getting closer and closer, his blood stained claws glistening in the moonlight…


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241 Reviews


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Wed May 21, 2008 7:59 pm



I really like this so far - I haven't read it in-depth, just kinda skimmed it, but it sounds really good. Unique. Keep it up, and I'll write a real review later, lol.




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Wed May 21, 2008 3:50 am
sylverdawn wrote a review...



First off really well done. I like the way you make things flow from one thing to the next, I know it can be difficult, I've got a problem with it myself. The way you introduced Fay was well done, but maybe you should describe her more, or at least tell her age.

I have a few issues with how you explain how she got their. If she was taken by the government wouldn't they have taken her families too. Were they just separated or was Fay chosen for some reason.

I really like how you portrayed Jasper, he seems like a cunning and dark character. A "good" bad guy, as it were.

In any case keep posting, I'd love to see how this turns out.

----
check out my story. Zola Chronicles
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Tue May 20, 2008 1:23 am
kittykat says...



I looked over the story and fixed the errors that you pointed out. I'm not used to writing in 1st person or using semicolons. So, sorry for all the run-ons.

I know that I didn't say how she managed to get passed all the guards and soldiers, but it was ment to be that way. The thing is, she doesn't know either. Fay just supposed - even if it doens't really make sense - that they just missed her when they passed. I'm going to explain that later on in the story. ^_^

Oh, and thanks for the critique Esme! :D Your the only person so far.

-kittykat




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Mon May 19, 2008 7:50 am
Esmé wrote a review...



kittykat,

As usual with my critiques, I’ll give you a line-by-line one first, and then I’ll move to impressions.




Quote:
Now if your wondering where here is, you would have to ask someone who knows.

You’re, you are.


Quote:
I’m still wondering why I’m here, why they took me out of my home and put me here.

Two “here”


Quote:
I haven’t taken one in about three days so far, hopefully my name gets drawn soon…

Nice one.



Quote:
I hated being kept in the dark about these things!

Hmm, “these things”? So does she know something after all?


Quote:
The government never trusts us anymore…

The above. Where did the “government” suddenly appear? I mean, it’s probably part of a plot - a big one, too - but perhaps maybe it should be introduced more smoothly, so it doesn’t come as a jolt to the reader.


Quote:
“Clean up!” called out a burly woman, coming around the table with a trashcan in one hand.

She took the bowls, still filled with food or not, and dumped them into the trashcan.
Hmm, why split this up?


Quote:
“Should’ve finished quicker then,” she replied bluntly.

True.


Quote:
I suspected it was just so that the soldiers who could wear shoes had something to snicker at.

Would have.


Quote:
But it didn’t matter to me today, I wanted to be alone for once even if it did mean sleeping in the dirt.

Run-on. Perhaps use a semicolon, or split it up?


Quote:
Our beds weren’t exactly the cleanest thing here either so it wouldn’t be much of a change.

Two commas.

Quote:
Before falling into the deep sleep that I wanted so much, a light tapping sound came into range.

But she didn’t exactly fall asleep seconds later, as the second would suggest.


Quote:
Then there was a small laugh, it was growing louder and louder as it echoed throughout passage.

Run-on. Rephrase or split.


Quote:
“Hey,”

Period.


Quote:
“Throwin’ rocks,” he said flatly.

Nice.


Quote:
The rocks were cold and smooth, for some odd reason it was comforting.

Run on, though a linking word would be just the thing, or maybe not even that. “And”, or “though”? Or split.


Quote:
“What’s that collar for?” my voice was returning to its shakiness.

In capitals, that after the ending quotes.


Quote:
“Well…” he picked up another rock and threw it

Not a description of the dialogue sentence (how it was said), but what you might call a stand-alone. So, capitals.



Quote:
My name is Fay by the way,”

Comma after her name, and a period instead of a comma before the ending quote.


Quote
“That it,”

Not, “is”? And period.


Quote:
“Why didn’t you get out before if the exit was so close?”

Comma after “before”


Quote:
“I just recently found this exit, I also just recently found that that stupid collar wouldn’t let me though.” he pointed back down at the piece of metal.

Okay, that just didn’t sound natural, really. It’s a tad bit run-on, so perhaps semicolons? “He” capitalized.


Quote:
He jumped up and then both of his arms disappeared!

I’d get rid of the exclamation mark here; the text would read better without it.


Quote:
The real life no joking wind!

Hmm, unclear sentence alert… And no commas, everything is just jammed into one sentence.


Quote:
“I can’t believe we’re finally out! I can’t thank you enough! Jasper, I-” just then I finally opened my eyes and looked around.

Very nice. “Just” capitalized, though.


Quote:
These things had a huge snapping beak and long wings.

Perhaps: “huge snapping beaks” - plural.


Quote:
The only thing that made these different from birds were their bodies, they had the body of a lion.

Run-on! Semicolon?


Quote:
“What happened?” my voice started to crack.

Rephrase that tag if you want it in minors.


Quote:
I turned around to face him, he looked different.

Run-on. Add something there, e.g. “and then realized”. That was the first that came to my mind - just an idea of what should be inserted. Yours’d be better, heh.



Line-by-line critique done, here come the impressions on the story and characters. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.



CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

My main issue with this story is security, which isn’t too throughout. Which is okay, as a part of the world which you built, but, how was the MC able to stay when all others left? Did she hide anywhere? That isn’t mentioned, I think, and thus a bit unrealistic.

Quote:
I’m still wondering why I’m here, why they took me out of my home and put me here.
She has no inkling as to why she’s here!

Why the government, suddenly? Perhaps state somewhere at the beginning that someone made an announcement (though a highly baffling, one that didn’t explain anything) that they were here by the government’s will, or something like that. That would clear all later issues concerning that.



WONDERFUL!

I liked the general smoothness of your story, how there was no need to force the events - they just flowed by themselves. Big, big plus to you on that.

Originality and surprise. That is yet another thing I feel I have to emphasize. The story itself was original, but then from the intro of Jasper - I didn’t expect what happened later.

Balance between description and dialogue - you managed that lovely.




Well, thanks for posting,

Esme





If you are tired remember it's a sign that you haven't expired
— fatherfig