Published June 17, 2009
When the sun wakes up
and climes across the earth
with arms stretched out,
rays extending in a celestial hug,
it cries.
When the day ceases to breathe
and it fades and falls away,
it cries.
And when it starts all over again
with the first bright little fingers reaching upwards
a baby’s laughter rings.
Because, in truth, that’s what it is.
A new born day is set and wrapped
in someone’s arms
wailing and sobbing.
And the reason it does,
the reason you laugh and cry with it,
is because you know that it’s really a smile.
That the sun has risen
and a new day has begun.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,440 Literary Works • 674,432 Reviews
Hi.
First I'd click edit and then press the "check spelling" button to catch typos.
I'd cut;
"And the reason it does,
the reason you laugh and cry with it,
is because you know that it’s really a smile. "
because it's a little watery and doesn't really add anything to the poem. It lacks the imagery of previous lines.
I really love;
"rays extending in a celestial hug"
and
"first bright little fingers reaching upwards."
I think you could cut;
"Because, in truth, that’s what it is." because it's kind of hitting the reader over the head with what you're saying. It's already clear before and after you say this that the speaker thinks the day is like a newborn.
This flows well as a whole, and is a lovely piece. Just needs to be tightened a little.
Hope this helps.
Jas