I remember when we walked hand in hand down the beach.
As the sun was setting the water turned gray and my heart grew warm.
Sometimes it was like you could hear my thoughts, and I yours.
Our families looked us down like a dog at a dog show.
It hurt like nothing else, but when I needed you, you were there.
It doesn't take a lot to make me cry,
but it takes a lot to make me happy.
When I need you, you're there.
You're the only air I need; you are the brightest star in my sky.
When I need you, you're there.
My heart is overfilled with love and butterflies, because when you're near....
Well, like I said, when I need you, you're there.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi,
what a sweet poem! Very lovely, makes you feel all warm inside :')
Firstly, I think there may be too many words in each line, maybe try cutting a few into two lines because at the moment the line length isn't consistent.
"Our families looked us down like a dog at a dog show." < What exactly do you mean by this? It may be good to be a little ambiguous, i'd just like to know!
The opening stanza is very beautiful, but then again I am a complete romantic at heart! It's a little cliched maybe but perfect for this, all romantic and loveydovey! The imagery is very nice also.
To improve your work, I'd say make it a little longer and go into more detail. At the moment this is very sweet, but that is all, just sweet. It could be magnificent if you just give it a bit more thought! ELABORATE! You can never have enough detail I always say. Don't think you're being polite to the reader by just giving a bit... GIVE ALOT!
PM me if you write any more..
Helen x
i just joined so i dont know how this works but i liked what you wrote:)