Published September 10, 2010
okay, so if you've been keeping up with the updates on my page you'll see that I said I was working on a new novel! Well I don't have much more than a paragraph, so here is the intro. Please comment! rather you liked it or not! Thanks a ton.
That night was cold, unforgiving. When I heard the wolf howl and felt my heart shudder to a stop I didn’t understand what I had become. I was alone that horrid evening reading a play written by a young fellow named William Shakesphere who stayed not far from me. I heard no sound of the intruders approach. I felt nothing but cold hands gripping me with unforgettable madness. Never had I felt this agony! Though, as I thought this was the end of my life it wasn’t. I would suffer far more worse than this. Much, much more.
There it is! Hoped you liked it. (:
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...so we have ourselves an intro/ almost teaser I think from the way that you've written it here. It definitely catches your attention immediately when William Shakespeare as a name just pops up randomly in the middle like that.
And so, on to what I think of the content here, so we've got ourselves a very spooky setting here. Its the tried and tested cold dark night, and I think as cliche as it can sometimes before, it is often a very good environment to stage an attack like this so, well, that's already quite exciting. The pain that you describe here as what is quite clearly some kind of devastating attack via wolf judging by the howling takes place works quite well to show you the gravity of this situation here. I think it makes for a pretty good scene here. On top of that I also noticed a very fun detail which was that Shakespeare was referred to as a "young man". I think this detail stuck with me as odd, cause it almost feels like this person is subtly trying to tell us that this is not the present day. Maybe I'm overthinking on that one.
Overall, I think this sounds like a solid story here. It reads like it could be a pretty effective first paragraph perhaps so perhaps you can use this as that rather than leaving it as a short intro.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya! Pink here
So I know this is just the introduction so I'm going to evaluate you on just that.
Now, I do agree that this intro was little short but it did it's purpose. It's supposed to be pulling and catch the reader's attention and I think you did a good job with that. Although, my real critique here is based on your writing skill and the flow. Right now, it seems as if you missed a few commas and some of your sentences seem 'runy' and off balance. I like the way you described the emotion, nonetheless. I do think you need to work on the flow, however. Remember such things as periods and commas, all that good stuff. Other than that I think this a pretty good opener. Keep it up!
~Pink
Hi, PenNPaper here
To start off, you need to write more, otherwise readers wouldn't really know what was going on.
You had some problems with the first sentence.
'That cold unforgiving night' doesn't seem to relate well with what followed it. Also there are some commas you missed out, and you may want to rephrase like to be.
The night was cold, and unforgiving. I heard the wolf howl and felt my heart stop. I didn't understand what I had become.
The rest of the story was pretty okay...Yeah I liked it, but as I said, not enough to appreciate.
Have a good day