Open rooms with shattered glass,
My mind is spinning, how long will this last ?
My heart beats stumble and I get thrown into darkness.
It's consuming me, and I love it.
Beside me I hear the down fall of a waterfall,I jump in.
The waves are hot, my skin is cold.
I scream as it gets hotter, panting the smoke in my lungs.
There is a faint light up-ahead, a red light.
It's glowing wickedly and I try to swim back from that caverns abyss,
but it's too late, I spiral deeper in the mouth of the volcanic pool.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi, Kitrosemon,
I think that you have something you can easily work with here, but your images, though they hold a lot of potential, are kind of clouded amongst each other. Although you're narrating this to us and giving us images, we're not getting much out of it, because you're not giving us anchors or clues so that we know what's going on. I feel as if there is a deeper metaphor here that you're trying to use, but right now, I feel like it's a lost amongst the rest of this.
Another thing that made me unsure of this poem is your language. It's a little too... average, too common, meaning that the way that you've delivered this to us isn't quite poetic and because of that, it's making this a little difficult to appreciate, because I feel like you're just telling us a story.
I think that you should take time to revise this. Tie images into one another so that they can work together and not be standalone pieces, dearie. I think that you can go places with this, try to dramatize this, make it come alive, and make the words work for you.
Hope that helps,
June
This is nicely done. The only thing is that it's kind of confusing what's happening. Also the words "Me" seem misplaced, maybe remove them? Just an idea. Good work, keep it up. =)
Howdy, Kitrosemon13! Well, Firestarter has pretty much summed up the problems with the conflicts in this poem, so I'll fix up the technical stuff ...
I did this in Microsoft Word, and it tracked my changes in red and underlines the words I fixed, but color doesn't carry over to the Young Writers' Society format. Let me know if you'd like me to repost this as an attachment; I really don't feel it's necessary.
Hi kitrosemon,
You've got some decent images and ideas here. But you're limited by using overworn and familiar phrases. "My mind is spinning" and "shattered glass" are things that are written by new poets all the time. You want to break away from this kind of thinking and start making original constructs by yourself if you want to improve.
The reader also doesn't have to lot to play with in regards to understanding what exactly is destroying the narrator. Why are they jumping in waterfalls and being sucked into volcanic pools? It's hard for us to now what is distressing them so without more tangible concepts. This is all a bit abstract in its conflict. We need to know more about the central problem.
Good luck.