This world is so cold and so full of hate,
People know no other thing.
It seems we have to hate to get pride,
it seems it's the only way to survive.
This is a sad love story,
this is the last thought I had of you.
We were yelling and I told you to die,
and you did....
Did I damn you to hell then ?
Or did I kill you myself ?
Only one thing I can say is that I'm sorry.
But from now on I promise,
to love someone like I loved you.
But I cannot promise I wont say...
Just remembering you that way wouldn't kill me in the end.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey there!
The natural rhythm created in your poem by using the couplets start to build a very comfortable pace for the reader, so I actually really enjoyed that part. Although, I do think you should experiment with punctuation a little more, because the reading of the ", . , ." in the first three stanzas don't really change the tone, so the repetition of pace could grow a little bland by this point; you could try a semi-colon!
Try using "-" (hash) to enforce a hesitant or thoughtful tone instead of the ellipses (...) in this part:
This is because an ellipses doesn't generally compliment the fluency and it doesn't here. A hash would make the pause quicker and allow the poem to go on. Also, if you're going to use an ellipses, please only use the three periods/full-stops or it'll get too much and look immature.
In terms of the content? I actually really liked the simplicity to be honest, very good! However, at points I did feel you were being too vague, so try and revise that. My main nitpick is punctuation, so yeah! Hope that helped!
Ben
Hi kitrosemon13, im CaptianRandom.
I LOVED this poem, it was fantastic, good length, space within the words and a lot of description. i lost myself in the fantasy of my life, you pin pointed all of the real things people have to realize in reality. Keep up the good work and i hope to read more of your poetry.
-CaptianRandom
Hai!
I'm not an expert on poetry, but in trying to get better, I'm afraid you're my guinea-pig.
Like Jasmine, I liked the structure of the poem (couplets, apparently), but it took me a few reads to get what the subject was. At first you're talking about the world, and I thought it was a general thing against the world, but then you bring in the personalised bit that ties in with the title. As such, it felt a little disjointed, as though you were trying to deal with too much all at once.
Perhaps if you got rid of the first few couplets, or introduced the idea of remembering someone earlier? Otherwise, it was pretty good. A little flat, as you didn't have any great imagery or anything like that, but it was still pretty good.
Keep writing!
Hi,
I like your use of couplets here, it makes this very easy to read.
I'd cut vague statements like "cold and full of hate"-instead, describe it in detail. What does the cold feel and look like? Try to make the reader shiver.
I'd cut direct statements like "This is a sad love story." Instead, give me subtle images to show me what has happened and let me think I have come to this conclusion alone-show, don't tell!
Hope this helps,
Jas