James

Hello again, and apologies for being late.


I want to begin with some grammar suggestions before I get to the meat of the poem. (Don't worry, this will improve your work and make it more enjoyable to read!)
There shouldn't be a comma between "blue" and "I'm" in the first stanza. It completely breaks the momentum of the reading. There were a couple other worrisome places that might have had this problem, but this one stood out the most.
Take out the ellipses. (They're the "..."). There's only a few proper places to include them in writing, and I'm afraid that much of the time they look awkward in poetry.

Okay. Now onto actual content. There's a problem with cliches again, but I think structure is another problem. I want to suggest that you read a variety of poetry (perhaps if you have a literature textbook on hand, or find an anthology) and study how the great poets wrote poetry. Mimic the stanzas, the phrases (not the actual words–mimic how they wrote, not what) and apply that to your own poetry. Feel free to write about whatever you wish. Style is important. Of course you can experiment, and I think you ought to. But my concern with 'James' is how it's just really a list of statements of what the narrator feels about him; there isn't variety at all.

Yes, the cliches are there. Pull out a dictionary and use words that are both unexpected and unusual. Don't say "brilliant blue"–what if you talked about temperature? Are his eyes perhaps cold, like ice or jewels (which can be cliche, so be careful), or do they burn? Blue and burning don't often go together, but perhaps you could connect lapis lazuli and a hot Egyptian day. Do they glitter, gleam, or glare? Play with the reader, and don't fall for the generic. (By the way, your use of "guy" seems a little too casual for the slightly more formal tone of the poem.) Or, if you have a witty side, you could come across as a charming gal whose trying to persuade this boy that she's worth falling in love with in spite of her craziness. That might have been what you intended, but if that's the case, go for cheeky and not mushy romance.

It has to be a pretty bad poem to deserve being scrapped. I don't think this is that pathetic, so rework it. Tweak the grammar, and it will be fine; but that shouldn't be the top of your list of priorities. Mainly jazz up the words and the phrases; play with punctuation and syntax, dare to surprise yourself. The result may not be great at first, but I think it will still ameliorate your work.

Good luck,

–antimelrose

P.S. PM me if you want to talk about this.

Wow. My only wish was for the poem not to end. what deep feelings. good description tools too.

That a nickname everyone calls him, and I thought Jimmy rhymed with that part of the poem.

You have very good description! I don't understand what you mean when you say: But it's not just the moon, James, it's you. Also why did you change from James to Jimmy that confused me a lot! Also you forgot to capitalize the "the" in the begging of this line: the sweet fragrance just like perfume. It seems out of place when it isn't capitalized and everything else it! I really, really like the last line!

-KAH