Published July 6, 2010
Soft white clouds fly overhead.
Yellow flowers sleep in the beds.
Beautiful children dance and sing,
these are the things that happiness brings.
Mountains sing joyous songs of spring and winter all year round.
I am along with them and I lift my head and scream, is it heave then ?
Yes I do believe.
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I don't know how many people agree, but I personally think that "scream" is a bit of a harsh word for the style of poem you are writing. Perhaps you could use something like shout, yell, cry, etc.
Sassykat
Hi,
I think the rhyming couplets work really nicely here. I love "Yellow flowers sleep in their beds."
I'd change "White fluffy clouds" because that's an easy image. Is there another way you can describe them? Think about how clouds appear to you personally.
I'd make the third stanza into a couplet and break the last stanza up like this;
"I am along with them, and if I lift my head and scream
is it Heaven then? Yes, I do believe."
Hope this helps,
Jas
I think this poem could use some work. I wish you could give a more descriptive, detailed view of the setting. Right now I think that you provide a pretty simplistic view.
is it heaven then?Hopefully my review helps you. Fiction