I breath in,
hoping that I'll breath in air.
Of course I don't, I never do.
Time and time again I feel sick,
like there is not enough blood going into my brain.
My heart sometimes feels like stone.
Only because I cannot find you.
My ill-will, in this case, is my own fault.
The moment I set my eyes on you I was lost.
Into the air I flew, with no one else but you.
My sickness turned to anger with every moment we were apart.
Even though I would search,
I could not find you.
I could not find a soul to confied in.
How tragic this must be,
a girl who is lost...wandering.
Hoping and looking, always asking,
'Is anybody out there?'
As she only looks for you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Kitrosemon!
This has got the making of a great poem. You have some beautiful imagery in this but you have to watch sometimes that it doesn't become cliche.
I agree with Suzanne, your imagery is divine but sometimes what you are trying to say is lost. It feels as though you haven't quite got to the point yet and you just need to explain to the reader the idea you are trying to convey a little more. Remember, we can't see inside your head
Other than this though it was a lovely little poem and it really created a clear picture in my mind. I had no issues with rhythm in this and I love the last two lines, I found them really sad.
If you have any questions about what I have said then feel free to PM me
Well Done!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia
Good start. I really like how it conveys the wandering, lost sense the speaker is feeling, and the last stanza is particularly nice because it delves into that self-pitying stage that we all reach when we're feeling down. I think the last line could use some improvement, though; it's kind of bland. "Confined" should be "confide" in the third stanza. You've got a lot of interesting things going on here, but some of the word choices make it sound like teenage angst poetry. Be careful of that. This stanza runs that risk:
I like the ideas, but the phrases individually, particularly the middle two, are pretty cliche. I don't know what to suggest other than that you rack your brain for other ways to describe what you're trying to convey. Think metaphors, images, and interesting words.
Hope that helps. You've got a good start here!
Sophie
This imagery shows you have a great start but there's a lot missing in this poem. For example, I can't really tell what's going on here. The narrator is looking for someone, looking really hard... it hurts her. But I can't really tell who she is looking for, and why, and the emotions behind it are a little vague and fuzzy. You should bring to light and enhance the emotions, really show what is going on with this narrator. If you show more of that, and use more imagery like you did in the above lines, this poem could really bloom into something wonderful. Be specific. Your reader won't know what you're talking about unless you say it, so say it and say it well.
Best of luck!