I wake up from a dream,
what a good dream it was.
I am living in the city that never sleeps,
but I sleep.
Thoughts run through these walls like horses in a field,
or the moon through soft clouds.
I open my window to let in the bright rays of sunshine,
I smile towards the sky.
I wonder if it will rain on this perfect day....
Below me I hear cars and people on cell phones.
Lovebird and birds alike are singing to the heavens,
thanking whoever made this perfect day so wonderful already.
I climb back into bed and sigh peacefully happy.
I have a wide grin on my face.
I remember now what I last said in my dream and laugh,
'Good Morning New York.'
-M.H. Darling
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I agree about the execution, however the idea is nice. I could picture this stanza here, but thought that it could flow a bit better. Maybe check through your grammar and syntax?
Hey!
would probably sound a bit better if it went "below me I hear...": the structure is a bit less tortured, and it works more smoothly this way.I have to agree with ziggiefred here: while the idea behind the poem might make for a nice read, the execution still leaves a bit to be desired. My main issue here is flow: there are some awkwardly-worded sentences here and there that interrupt the flow of the poem, and take away from that happy, at-peace feeling you're trying to convey.
For example:
is a bit long, and a bit repetitive. You could probably reword it to make it shorter and still convey exactly the same meaning.
In the first stanza also the repetition, which I'm guessing is intentional, is more annoying than anything: it brings nothing to the poem itself, and the contrast could probably be shown in a better way.
Hello there
Well I liked the poem; the idea in general. But to be honest I did not like the execution that much, I felt it was just fine and not moving. You know, the words did not flow like I expected, as I was reading it, there was a lack of connection and emotion in your words. I was expecting to feel this breezy feel as I read the poem, like you would when expressing happiness about the morning. My suggestion would be not to change anything, meaning ideas, line for line; but to rearrange words and give it a makeover. Make it breezy.
I like this simile. You did pretty good here.
I hope I helped. Keep writing hey.