Back when my life was simple,
I had no care in the world.
When everything had a low price,
and old men weren't always attracted to little girls.
Back when cars' names did not have a number in them,
and dresses weren't made for flaunting your legs.
I lived a simple life,
which I do not now.
I loved my old life,
I want to get back to it right now.
I may be plain at times,
but there is much more to me.
If only my simple life did not cast a shadow over me.
I'd be happy if I were alone,
away from bright lights and fancy cars.
Where people were like eveyone else,
not like famous people who are bigger than the stars.
I miss my beloved life,
I miss everything.
My only wish is so that I can go back...
Back to when my life was simple.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Kitro. =]
I agree that this poem was flat, and it was meaningless. It read as very ranty and I couldn't empathise with it whatsoever. In particular, the rhyme schemes were incredibly simplistic, forced and irritating, with no logical comprehension (yes, it reflects the whole "complicated life" but it's so sparse that it's boring) - you write "cars" and then there's a very long line before we get to "stars". The same with "to me" and then a jaunty, unconnected line before "over me" (which technically isn't even a rhyme, but feels so forced that it almost should be). So, definitely work on your rhymes if you put them in.
The thing is, there is definitely space for this idea to travel. So we've got an old guy (Perhaps? Maybe that could be explained in the poem?) who hates the change in his life. Why? Is it nostalgia for the past, or hatred for modernity? Has something happened that has struck this to him? Whatever happens, a sure way to escape this simplicity would be through metaphors and subtle implicature (to give your persona a story), and then have a look on the poetry techniques that give that extra decoration.
Best
Blinky
Hey there!
I'll start with a few nitpicks that look at your punctuation, structure and word choice, which I personally think need a touch of work! Here we go:
I think you meant flaunting.
Comma isn't needed here, it's disrupting pace.
That's shorter, more to the point and doesn't let the line go on and on.
Watch the repetition here, because it just makes the reader frustrated as they want to shout: "Well go do something about it then!" Which in a way shows that you've provoked a response, but possibly the wrong response.
This adresses a problem that is consistent in the poem. Your language choice is too simple and it results in lines being read like a collection of simple sentences to make up prose, but with the effect removed. All that I get from bits like this is nothing to be honest above you informing me something. You don't write poems to inform, do you?
I think you meant: everyone. Like Kamas said, use the "Check Spelling" tool.
Anyway, you have a foundation of ideas here, but you haven't really brought them across. I don't particularly feel I've taken anything away from the poem more than your opinion on society. You haven't made me feel what you feel and I think you could achieve this by building imagery around your points. Use poetic devices like metaphors and similes. Compare situations to things your reader can familiarise with, you know?
I hope this helped, best of luck and keep writing,
Ben
Alrighty. There is a magnificent "Check Spelling" option in the top right corner of the submitting box. It avoids any silly (and highly irritating typos).
Please remember that having a work with typos in it looks unprofessional and that it honestly looks like you but little to no effort into what you were doing. Because if you haven't put effort into writing this, why should I make an effort to help you?
Just a matter of respect yes?
Anywhoo, overall this is simple, redundant and kind of boring. All of these thoughts are sterile and communicated robotically. Poetry has wings, it has to flow with words, ideas. It can't be: Statement 1. Fullstop. Statement 2. Fullstop. Statement 1 (with a change in a couple of words). Fullstop.
Think of it as building something up, first you have the foundation, which is your basic idea/message. Then you add the bricks over the foundation. Those are the metaphors that protect your idea and that the reader have to get around to figure out the core. Then there's the insulation, which are smaller ideas linked to the foundation, which hold some value to it, but are still protected by metaphors. And the roof, which is the icing on the cake, is vocabulary. Words that make things interesting. If you use typical conversational words, you aren't going to get anything across. You have to use words that communicate a feeling, and idea.
A poem is like a house. Build it up.
Kamas
"Falunting" should be "flaunting".
I think the punctuation, especially in the first and fourth stanzas, could use some tweaking. Right now, they read very choppily because of all the periods, and this makes the flow disjointed.
As far as content goes, this poem struck me as overly simple and repetitive. You didn't have much imagery at all, and what little you had was vague and nonspecific. Also, you repeated words and phrases that, while repetition can be effective, didn't work because there wasn't much meat to the poem.
I suggest that you go back through and cut out as much of the repeated words as possible. Then, once you've done that, focus on including more images into this. Mention specific examples. Describe to us exactly how bright the light is. Etc. This will make your poem much more interesting and memorable.