The waves lap upon the shore,
the cool soft breeze carries the smell of salt water.
I stand where the land meets the ocean.
The water like thousands of hands, beckoning me to join them.
They sing with their euphonious voices they have used since the beggining of time.
The song never ends, but continues forever.
The sun is slowly sinking down into the violet horizon.
Time passes and I am left watching the now azure sky.
The stars come with bright light,
like diamonds they really do twinkle.
There is so much magic,
so much calmness,
and so much peace.
I wish this moment could last;
last until the end of time.
When I become one with the Ocean.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi,
Okay, you have a nice poem there, breaking through the ordinary, boring walls of describing the ocean (blue, calming, etc.) with jumping adjectives and similes. However, I spotted a tiny problem here:
It's more technical than anything really. If the sun setting, wouldn't the horison be sort orange-y red? Instead of violet? And also you state that "Time passes". I'm guessing that by now the time is early evening? Night? But then you state 'azure'. Isn't azure a light blue-ish colour? Doesn't really match the time frame. I'd suggest changing the 'violet' and 'azure' into something more fitting. You just got the adjectives a bit muddled up, I think, that's all. An easy fix.
Other than that, nice poem.
Hey Kit! I'm Forti, I don't believe we've met(:
I'll just cut to the chase, loved the poem. I live near the ocean, so this is a poem that has a connection to me. It is a beautiful piece of writing, and I really enjoyed it. Poems are meant to paint a picture in your mind, and I think this poem did that and more! (Like a 3-D picture) Anyways, I loved it!
Loved how you used the simile comparing the stars to diamonds!
Using words like "euphonious" really brought this story to life (for me.) Also, little spelling error there, hun. Beginning, not beggining.
I enjoyed this poem, let me know if you need me to review anything else!
Hi! I'm Teardrop! I didn't really find a lot wrong with this, it was really nice, as far as I can tell.
First of all, I thought you could have 'trimmed' a lot off of some of the lines. When they get too long, sometimes the poem looses it's flow. Also, on the last line I'm not sure if ocean should be capitilized but maybe check that out, since it's not really a specific ocean. One last thing, I thought stanzas would have been cool, but that's just my opinion.
I don't really have a lot to say about this but I enjoyed reading it. ^_^
~Tear