JENNY AND JESSIE (TITLE NOT SURE OF)

“Jenny, it happened again last night,” Jenny said to herself in the mirror she wouldn’t touch. As a young child, she had strange dreams like as if she was Alice in Wonderland and could walk through her full body mirror on the closet door to another world. She pinched herself to make sure she was awake.

**It's off to a good start! I would edit the second Jenny, and make it say "she" instead. The two "Jennys" right in a row sound awkward.**

“Jenny, come down for breakfast hun, you have school today.” Jenny’s mom, Margaret was yelling from down stairs.

“But this time you woke up before anyone knew it.” She said again to herself in a whisper, staring in her own eyes with the mirror.

“Sis, get some clothes on it’s time for breakfast. Why do you look like you’re in shock?” Jenny’s sister Rose got her attention from the mirror.

**I would change the "Jenny" in this paragraph to "her".**

“I had another one of those dreams. The ones where I feel like I’m out of my body, almost like I’m someone else.” Rose sat her down on the bed.

“Was it the same as before? Anything happen differently this time?” Rose put her arm around her sisters’ shoulders as she stared at herself.

“Just one thing…now there’s a boy. He keeps wanting me to follow him, but I started to sweat and then I woke up.”

**"I started to sweat." I think that right here you're saying she got scared or nervous, I would phrase it differently. "I started to sweat" sounds a little weird.**

Rose rubbed Jenny’s back. “Let’s get some breakfast and we’ll write this down okay.”

**Question mark at the end of the dialog.**

“I have a journal. Aunt Dawn gave it to me for my birthday. It was when you were at college. A late birthday present last year.”

“How late was she this time?” Rose asked with a chuckle.

“Six months late.” Jenny stood up and put her favorite jeans on. Once she put on her bra and layered shirts, she slowly walked downstairs, followed by Rose.

Breakfast was starting to get cold already. Jenny ate her breakfast quickly as Margaret readied her lunch. Jenny was in high school, but still took her lunch to school. Everyone was quiet. Their dad, Herald, was reading the newspaper, drinking his coffee and eating buttered toast.

“Is everything okay Jenny?” Margaret asked.

**I would at a bit into the paragraph above explaining what motivated Jenny's mom to ask her if she was okay. Was she picking at her food? Was she crying? A bit of detail as to that would go a long way.**

“Yeah mom. I just don’t have much of an appetite today.” She glanced quickly at Rose and then her dad, who was giving her squinty eyes.

**I would change "squinty eyes" but that's just me. Maybe say he was giving her an "inquisitive look".

“Another dream?” He asked.

“No dad. It’s not like that…” Jenny stopped talking.

**"Jenny stopped talking." isn't the best dialog tag you could use here. I would change it because it sounds strange and drew my attention away from the scene.**

“Herald, you know she hasn’t had those dreams since she was fourteen.” Margaret placed the rest of the eggs and toast on the table.

“And the doctor also said that these dreams would probably come back, dear. The procedure was only temporary.” He said with a little anger in his voice.

“I said I’m fine!” *jenny pounded the kitchen table, grabbed her books and walked outside to wait on the bus early. Rose looked their parents and walked outside to talk to her. She spoke not one word to them about there being a dream or not.

**Why was she angry? Or maybe scared? Try to fill the reader in a bit more.**

Jenny stood in the sixty degree weather staring down the road, almost emotionless except for the tear down her cheek. Rose walked up behind her.

**"Jenny stood in the sixty degree weather staring down the road." I wouldn't say the exact temperature. Most people cant' conjure the feeling of sixty degree weather in their head. If you go with a more vague but real description, the reader will be more inclined to feel what the MC is feeling.**

“Why do they always have to fight like they do? They never get along. It makes me so angry. And these stupid dreams…they just…they’re almost every night now. What if I end up in another coma? What if I don’t wake up next time?”

“Jenny, you’re the only one that can help it. You said you woke up from your dream sweating….what was going on in the *drema* that you woke up?”

“The boy that wasn’t in it ever before…he told me to follow him and he took my hand for me to trust him and go with him. I can’t explain it.” Rose watched as the yellow bus started to come up the road.

*"The boy that wasn't in it ever before, he told me to follow him and he took my hand for me to trust him and go with him."

I would rephrase this, some of it is a bit out of order.

"The boy that wasn't in it ever before, he took my hand and told me to trust him, to come with him."*

“I’ll write this in your diary, okay. Later, you write down all you remember about the dream. I think I hve to pick you up today from school so we’ll talk after, okay?”

“I need to talk to someone. A doctor, or someone who can interpret these dreams. A different doctor, Rose. Dr. Brindland didn’t do anything for me. It just let me parents know I sleep deep enough *t ogo* into comas. Now they freak out every time I act quiet.” The school bus squeaked to a stop at their driveway.

“You can always talk to me, sis, you know that. *Iknow* how you feel, maybe we can find someone that you can talk to. And it doesn’t hurt to tell mom and dad.” Jenny started up the steps.

“I don’t want them to know anything if I can help it Rose. I’ll see you after school…You know the strange thing Rose, is that these dreams…I like them. They’re not scary. Sometimes I wish they wouldn’t stop.” Jenny walked onto the bus and sat in the empty seat in the back of the bus. Like most mornings, the teenagers were still half asleep from being up all night except for a couple of chipper, nerdy girls who always sing in the mornings. Jenny stared out the window to her house thinking of the dream.

*"Jenny walked onto the bus and sat in the empty seat in the back of the bus." I would take "of the bus" out of this sentence. You already told us she was on a bus, so the last bit isn't necessary.*

When she had the dreams as a young child, she’d sleep for 12 hours or more at a time. It was so bad that Margaret became a home school teacher to keep her from falling behind in school. Jenny kept putting her fingers through her long brunette hair. As she tried to refocus her thoughts, she looked up the bus aisle. She noticed the boy in the seat next to her, staring at her. She was frightened, not by his staring, but by his appearance. The boy looked just like the one she dreamed about. About to pee herself, she said nervously, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” The boy smiled at her and turned away, beginning to write a note or letter.

*You kind of jumped from the past to the present in this paragraph. I would split it into to separate ones.

"About to pee herself," thus far the story has been very serious, and this kind of takes away from the tone. I would take this bit out and just say, "She said nervously,"

**"Beginning to write a note or letter." Say he took out a piece of paper and pencil/pen. We'd still see that he was going to right something and it would make a better image in our heads.**

Once they came to the school, the boy stood up behind her in line to wait to get off the bus.
“I’m Jessie,” he whispered in her ear. Jenny jumped a little, unexpecting to hear his voice.

*"Once they came to the school," Try to show us that they pulled into the school, throw in a description of the school, or maybe how Jenny feels about it.

"Unexpecting to hear his voice." Unexpecting isn't a real word.*

“I’m Jenny. You new here?” She continued to look forward.

*"She continued to look forward." This is telling too. It sounds a little weird to me, and it feels out of place.*

“Yes, I’m the new meat everyone will be talking about today.”

“I know what you mean. They always talk and judge new people the first day.” Jenny stated.

“It's like that at every school. So if we have the same lunch, do you mind if I sit with you and your friends?” He still whispered.

“That’s fine. I don’t really have any friends so I can decide for them.” Jessie held the folded note in front of her. She grabbed it from him and put it in her pocket. “um…thanks?”
“It’s just for your eyes. I want to know how much I can trust you so don’t go showing it to your imaginary friends just yet, okay?” Jenny was scared a little. Some guy *he* just met, that looked like the same in her dreams, and told her not to show the note to her imaginary friends. She thought of her dreams again, the friends in her dreams that don’t exist.

“No problem.” She looked back at him before they stepped off the bus and got a good look at Jessie.
Jessie just smiled at her, admiring her eyes. Stepping off the bus, Jenny continued to her 1st period class. Jessie had stayed back and didn’t want to stalk her on the first day or cling to her. She sat in the middle seat of the classroom. The tardy bell rang, so she had a minute to read the note.

Ignoring everything around her, she opend the crinkled paper and read it silently.

I know this is going to be written bad. Hard to write notes on busses. I’m Jessie Morrisson. Hope we can get to know each other. I just moved here from Kingsley, Iowa. It’s ok if you’ve never heard of it. It is a small town. I like your outfit. write me back, okay? sorry so short, but this bus sucks ass.

Jenny snickered a little bit. The final bell rang for class to start. She put the note back in her pocket. As she watched, waiting on Mrs. Triple to walk in, Jessie walked in looking for an empty seat. He sat in the front, where the only empty chairs were left. Jenny caught herself staring at him but she felt she couldn’t help it.

**Set the scene for this paragraph a bit more. Tell the reader what the classroom is like, and your story will feel more real. This goes for any time your character changes locale.**

Jessie looked around at everyone. The teacher walked in, but didn’t start for a couple of minutes. Everyone was chit chatting except Jessie and Jenny. Jenny watched him look around, trying to introduce himself. It was mostly girls in the first class, and they were putting on makeup. No one seemed to notice him. Jessie caught Jenny and she blushed. He waved to her and smiled. Jenny did the same.

**"Jessie caught Jenny and she blushed." Maybe say "Caught Jenny's eye" it sounds more realistic and less awkward.**

Jenny began to admire Jessie’s features. She looked at his short, blondish hair and the way he sat. Jessie didn’t look back at her again during the first class, but wanted to.

**"the way he sat." Hmm... The way he sat is vague, and it makes the reader wonder how he is sitting, since it was never told. I suggest rephrasing.**

“Hello class. Today we have our speeches that are due. We have a new student in our class today so we will all introduce ourselves and he can tell us a little about *him*. Who would like to go first? Well, let me start then we’ll do volunteers.

**I would change the marked "him" to "himself".**

*I’m Mrs. Triple and I’m the Speech teacher and I also teach English Four. I am married and have two children in middle school. Who would like to volunteer first?”

Jenny was shy when it came to talking in front of people. She slid down in her chair a little and pulled out the note Jessie wrote her on the bus. She unfolded it and started to write back. She tried to pay attention in class while she thought of questions to ask Jessie to get to *knw* him better.

Jenny’s friend Maggie volunteered first. They were friends, but not very close where they share everything with each other. They were both loners, except Maggie was a big flirt. Since they were both loners, they hung out with each other during school events.

Maggie slowly walked up passed Jessie’s seat with her almost too short skirt and purple v-neck shaped t-shirt. Maggie cleared her throat and began gloating. She began twirling her hair with one hand and the other resting on her left hip.

“Hello hello! I’m Maggie. I’m the head cheerleader here and I love to watch movies. Like, I could watch any type of movie but it would depend on which friends I had over at my house, unless I was at there house…”

Jenny ignored Maggie’s life speech and began writing.

Hey Jessie. You wanted me to write you back. What better time to do it than sitting at a desk? Better than on a bus! Ha ha. I don’t have many friends and I could always use some new ones. I hope you like it here, I don’t. Maybe its because I’ve been here all my life and it doesn’t seem like anything interesting happens. No, I never heard of that county. What’s Iowa like? I’ve always wanted to travel or go on a hike but never get the chance to do anything. We have a lot of wild bears and coyotes around here, watch out!

**Overall, I liked it. The marked bits are just minor typos or technicalities that need fixing. Overall it was interesting. The dialog was the best part in my opinion, but one of the things that wasn't so great was the description. It could use some work.

I know you've probably heard this before, we all have, "Show, don't tell". I didn't understand what the heck this meant for a long time, and I still don't to some extent. I'll try to explain it by giving you an example.

-Joe opened the door and walked down the hall.

^This sentence is very vague and uninteresting. It doesn't tell us much about how he walked, who or what was in the hall, or anything really.

-Joe pushed through the door and weaved around the other busy students in the packed hall.

^This sentence is better! It tells us a bit more about what's going on. I bet when you read this, you imagined students cramming books into their lockers, kids bumping into each other, and what not. It's a bit long, and not all of your sentences have to be that packed with detail, but you get the point.

Pretty much what "Show, don't tell" means is, set the scene for the reader and touch on all of the senses. Don't just say something happened, say how it happened. Use real world details.

Also, spend some more time setting the scenes in your story. What I mean by this is, tell us a bit more about where the characters are. The setting should be like another character in and of it's self. It also adds details that make your story more readable and a lot more plausible.

Also, be careful with the repetitiveness. In the start, the word "Jenny' was used a whole lot. It was distracting and a little awkward. I do the same thing without realizing, so it's not a big deal. Just remember this when you're editing, and try not to get too repetitive.

About the story. I don't really know what's going on yet, or what was going on before. Although it was interesting and mysterious, it would help the reader if you told it more about her dreams, about the coma, and about other details. What exactly goes on in the dreams? Why are they so unsettling? Remember that the reader only knows what you told them.

All in all, this was a good bit of writing. Keep up the good work and try hard. Good luck, and keep writing!