The sun was pleasant high above. The clouds, however, were down below, puffing like cotton, freely showing its pure white glow (because of the sun's rays, of course). Bright brown eyes were focused on the plains they were leaving. They were focused on the vast seas they were going to take. Her red locks comfortably fell down her shoulders as her pale fingers drew a heart on the window as it fogged. Finding there was no more to see but the clouds below, she rested her head and had her eyes closed and smiled. She smiled because she was once again high above, with an unknown adventure lying up ahead.
Maria Pamela Olivia is a traveler. She has long been comitted to traveling that it has become a part of her. It was the only juice that keeps her soul from going after everything has gotten her into. It was the only time she was able to be free and apart from everything she ought to face. Indeed, it was cowardice but it was her only manner of giving herself the chance to be love her whole self.
It wasn't a sin, traveling. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it. You come place to place destination after destination without a direct picture on how things would be country after country. It was a good way to become different persons since you can actually start over again without turning time. The only thing that kept on repeating was Pamela falling for men after men. It was becoming a pandemic to her whole being.
Every year, she'd be in a different country with a different man. It may sound outrageous but that was how she lived for the rest of her early twenties.
Pamela however, is still a woman. No matter how slutty she has looked after all she's done, and women get tired, so with realizing that she has to stay put and finally, begin a real family, she stopped traveling. And the dove finally lands, 'though without an olive leaf.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well we've got ourselves a pretty intriguing start to proceedings here. Things are kicking off quite nicely I think with the sort of introduction we have here and it seems to be a very specific sort of introduction here with there being more of a focus on this person and the general atmosphere around them rather than the sort of setting itself. Its an interesting choice and it does get your attention quite nicely as a reader.
Well that was quite the turn there that I was not expecting this particular piece to take. Its an interesting opening for sure, and quite a unique style for a prologue since its not often you see stories of this particular nature having a prologue. Its is so far proving to be a very interesting style, I am quite excited to see where you end up taking this one.
Hmm...well that is something of a promise I see almost to start the story off. There's certainly a very interesting choice of words there for the description. I wonder where this is truly trying to take us here. At any rate after reading through the full thing I have to say this feels a tiny bit ill suited for a prologue, but then it certainly does work for the most part. Its certainly something catches your interest here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, icky stuff first. This needs work, a lot of it.
Title: The rule of three is awesome, except when it fails, in which case it is a complete disaster. You've got the three, but faith and trust are nouns, where forgive is a verb. You should change it to a noun
Use commas to separate a big sentence into clauses, and use them sparingly.
"Because of the sun's rays, of course." Never, ever, treat you reader like a fool, and explaining something so simple is insulting.
"Brown eyes," - are they floating? You need to mention who they belong to.
Avoid repeating words in the same paragraph, you do that a lot through this piece.
"comfortably fell," should be "fell comfortably." It sounds awkward otherwise.
A minor tip; keep character names simple. A first and second name will do.
Pick a tense and stick to it. Changing tenses is disruptive, and generally indicates bad grammar. It's another habit throughout this piece.
I don't really understand the plot, or the reason behind the reference to the dove and olive leaf. It seems really out of place.
There's a lot of improvement needed here, but keep your head up. This woman is very interesting, and there's some brilliant ideas behind her. If you introduced her at the beginning of a novel I would definitely continue reading. Try hard, listen well, and you've got a lot of potential.
Hero, here to review! Let's see, I'll go Problems/Praise/Tips.
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Problems:
Your grammar shook. It shook the dishes in the kitchen, but nothing broke. In other words, there was no need for the bloody tremor and everyone would have so preferred no tremor to one vibrating, pointless one. So, your mistakes:
There's a bunch of clouds right? Or is there just one? its means just one
Whose red locks? The ones belonging to the eyes? Nope, you never specified a person, just eyes. Read it out loud. Also, for continuity and style sake, I would say "Red locks fell comfortably down shoulders and pale fingers drew a heart on the window as it fogged." Then you can introduce Pamela.
That is present tense, stick to one. Either Present or Past. It breaks your sentences and leaves a watermark behind. should be was. Look for this in the rest of your story.
Was still a woman.
Should be 'Go' place to place. Destination and Location.
So your problems:
That's it.
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Praise:
I liked your simple wording. It relaxed me and your first paragraph was especially great. It tuned me for the rest, I wanted to see how you'd describe everything. My gosh I love your MC, somehow I already know what she's like... I think. This was a great prologue, I wish mine were more like this. It sets the tunefor everything and gives us the whole plot in a simple sentence: No more traveling...
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Tips:
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Overall:
This was well written but once again, we do not like tremors rattling dishes if the dishes won't break. Well done, from TheNewHero
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