“GODS” known as the originator of this cosmos. What would you respond if I proposed that GODS aren’t the creator?
Many things that we know are mostly accurate and some of them are not, so the whole truth is always unexplained.
In this world where various creatures coexist. There is an unusual concept of powers and skills that were given by the GODS to many Creatura.
“DEUS PARS” the primary life force that governs everything. By using it many Creatura were able to rival C ordo GODS.
For a long time, GODS were in touch with many Creatura and made many familia and Tribus.
Tribus means the clan of offsprings of a certain god and Familia means a group which contains members of different Tribus.
“Kingdom Of Vita” a kingdom established by the true Hero of the War. “BELLUM” the war that was raged for 1000 years which nearly destroyed the existence of GODS.
The Hero of the Bellum was gone missing so his minister chooses a representative to become king and that started to rule the country.
Soon the knowledge of Creatura was altered to Creature and DEUS PARS into Cibus and Familia and Tribus were long forgotten.
Within the capital of the kingdom, there was an orphanage that was directly under a minister. Minister showed that the orphanage would be a valuable source to get some soldiers and started controlling it.
Grand Dad Lux, an old man who was given the responsibility to train those kids who remain within the orphanage and I am sen one of those unlucky kids who reside within it.
I was found in the holy church, located within the capital. A Sister who found me handed me to the orphanage and once 15 days she comes to visit the orphanage.
When a minor reaches a certain age they go through the baptism in the church. The church has many instruments that are used by many adventures to check their status.
During Baptism the pope checks many things within the minor and shows a path for him to follow. Mostly the kids who were baptised were chosen as the soldiers.
[Serene]
“Tomorrow is the day we will receive Baptism from the church!”
“I can’t wait! what type of power will I awaken within me!” were the words of Erika.
Who is Erika? I think I will answer that question later.
Tomorrow is a precious day for me. tomorrow I will be receiving baptism so I am really looking forward to it with my friends.
Generally, groups were made for the room at the dorm. Within my room. I, Erika, August, and Serene live in it. Each room has been decided by Gramps(Lux). 4 people live in one room, 2 male and 2 female.
August is 2 years older than me while Erika is 1 year younger than me and I am at the same age as Serene. Even though our age differs we are going to receive baptism at the same time!
The night that was seemed to be endless passes and the day has come to receive the baptism.
Now I have received baptism and the pope didn’t ask me anything but rather he told me to leave.
[Nothing feels different within me]
[I thought I would get some superpowers but this thing does not change anything]
“sen so how was your baptism?” Sister asked me after I leave the room
“Nothing seems different. sister can you tell the difference… did i.. look… w-weird…n-now?” I asked her thinking that something might have changed with my presence.
“Ummm… I think you are” It was a shocking statement coming from the sister that shook me off.
[Sen]
“why…..? do I really look that awkward?”
[oh my god! if I started to look awkward Erika will surely reject me!!!] and such other thoughts started crossing my mind.
[what if I become the weakest among our team rex]
[Sen]
“no…… I don’t want that! This thing will really make me go crazy!!!”
“Don’t tease him, sis, he would not able to survive it!” August said to the sister while she was trying to hide her laughter and satisfaction. Now the lock finally broke and sister started to laugh in front of me.
“wait. What… was it a joke sister?” I asked desperately and it looks like she was messing with me.
“Yes! it was just a joke! but, Why did you think that your appearance might change?” she asked while laughing.
[Sen]
“Sister! stop laughing!” I was so embarrassed that I nearly ran away.
“Leave the jokes for later! Please sister!” I asked while putting my right hand behind my neck and tried to twist my neck for some cracking.
“How many times should I tell you not to crack your neck?” sister spoke while shouting at me.
“So will something change from now on?” August asked sister with a cool voice and she replied happily.
[Sister]
“well let’s see. I think you will be able to learn and perform some magic, skills and many techniques”
[Even though we are basically able to use every basic thing related to PARS magic is something that requires chant and imagination and for skills like sword and bow it can be learned without baptism]
“But that will be after a few days after you all awaken some of the skills”
[awake some skills huh? I thought that this would happen during baptism]
After getting baptised we all gathered at our main base.
“so what are we gonna do now that we have received baptism,” Erika asked in the meeting that we conducted at our base
Rather than calling it a base, it is just a warehouse of the church and a very old one that no one uses. we got permission to use it from the sister at one condition that we have to clean it after the use.
“I have some idea about it,” I said after raising my hand got permission from all to speak.
[Sen]
“TELUM”
TELUM a place where you can obtain weapons for free but there is one small problem, the problem is that you cant decide the weapon but the weapon chooses you and there is one condition if no weapon chooses you, you may die within the hands of its guardian deity.
[Serene]
“you can’t be serious!!! brother” Serene said with an afraid voice. Any being who knows about it will be afraid, it’s an obvious reaction.
[Sen]
“It may sound impossible but we can do it! I’m sure” I proposed
no matter what I say it still sounds impossible but having hope is what it makes it count.
[August]
“let’s decide that after we awaken our skill.”
“So, for now, what should we do about this upcoming tournament,”
August always wanted to win the tournament to prove he is someone strong but Sen is a little different, he always adjudicates something dangerous and in the end wins over everyone’s heart.
[Sen]
“What!!!”
“How many days”
[How can I forget about it. August must be very angry, I forgot about the tournament ]
[Erika]
“Within 20 days”
Even though the time was more than enough, she never has been able to possess any combat skill or magic but she was able to become great in healing and other stuff.
[August]
[so TELUM huh? that idiot still doesn’t know how to speak well. now I think of it he(Sen) always confesses to Erika without even thinking about his surrounding. But now things have changed I will win the tournament and prove it that I am also a worthy member of team Rex ]
“By the way, I think we should decide our strategy after awakening”
[Sen and the others]
“I agree”
[August]
“and Sen, don’t start planing anything in advance and please don’t try anything stupid!”
The day after the baptism, team Rex had given the task to buy food for the orphanage from the market and was tasked for many chores.
Even though they are a group of orphan they were well known in the capital because of sen and his stupidity, but no child was able to defeat Sen.
[Sen]
“So what should I do about my training for today?”
[August]
[Training!! why does this idiot needs training he is already strong!!. now I am jealous of him even I want to become like him]
“You don’t need to do anything!” While saying this August had some disappointed voice like someone who was about fall in despair.
[Sen]
“Are you afraid that I will win over you?”
Even though I asked this to him there were many storming feelings living inside him erupted at that time. It looks like he wants to become stronger than me but there is one thing that holds him back.
“Are you still afraid of dragons?” I asked knowing that I already have a contract with one dragon and the only reason he was unable to defeat me is that he thinks that I will summon him if I started to lose.
Dragon huh?. Dragons really are prideful creatures you know. I remember it exactly as it was yesterday. A Dragon who killed 15 creatura at that time anybody can be scared by watching the divine creature. That dragon whom I made the contract is a thousand times stronger than me!!!.
The day of the dragon attack.
I was taking a nap within our room and then August entered the room and wake me up. Well, all we used to do was study. August used to teach me about various magic and skills and that day it was time to learn about summoning and how to form a contract with Creatura. There is a basic mistake made in this capital that summoning is considered as magic while that is absolutely not true. Summoning is a type just like magic because those who don’t have a vast amount of magical Cibus, like mana, are able to summon creatures that people with vast amount can’t summon. Summoning requires understanding between the summoned creature and the summoner.
The basic rule was that you should be able to interact with that beast and form a contract with it and fight together with them. But I was foolish enough to concede with it. And then suddenly I saw a dragon flying up in the sky from the window. After I saw that I told August
[Sen]
“Hey!! Look there is a dragon in the sky”
[August]
“where is it?” August replied while laughing.
Dragons are very prideful creatures, they live a very long life, they are very wise and they never leave their cavern but, the dragon I saw was real and it was an Elder dragon, the 3rd strongest type of dragons.
[August]
“Do you really think that a Dragon will come to this city? Dragons would rather sleep in the Great Glen than coming here!!”
Great Glen The home town of dragons. Dragons are the most knowledgeable creature than any in this Kingdom of Vita and only a few are able to graduate from Great Glen, as it also serves as a school for those who want more knowledge but there are so many risks that only a few are able to take admission.
Even though August though of it as a joke there really was a dragon in the capital. Dragons are able to change their forms and mostly they change into Hominum. The dragon who attacked the capital was very friendly to me and Selene and he also knew about our rooms so he came near the window of our room where August and I was revising summoning.
[Sen]
“lookout!!! the dragon is behind you!!” I shouted and then the dragon suddenly took his hand inside the window, took me flew with me to the Great Glen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hey kisuhu!
First of all I want to start with saying that I really adore your writing style but Some things in your prologue may annoy the readers.
As for example why is GODS capitalized it has no need to be capitalized unless it’s Some name of a company what it isn’t ( I think)
Some things CAN be explained more to the reader so it’s better understanded and gives us more information About your magical world.
You already have a pretty good hold on the “show don’t tell” technique and your punctuation looks also perfectly fine to me.
I think the biggest part of the character introduction Will happen in chapter 1 so i’m not going to say anything About that yet.
Keep on the good work
-E.
Well, this is my first work so you can find some mistakes in it.
I thought the characters info will be given through various scenes within it and I decided to make it 5 or 6 chapters for their unique design to be understood.
and for the magic and other detail it will be cleared in 3th or 5th chapter
That makes sense I wish you ALL the luck!
Well, this is my first story.
I think that it is fine to have some mistakes in it.
By The Way
What do you think, is this part instresting?
It surely is for me and
I think also for others
Hi! This is certainly an interesting story. Hi @kishu! I'm @yoshikrab and I'm here for one of your first reviews!
First off, welcome to YWS! I'm glad you're here!
Although this is a slightly bland introduction, it works, and I have no problem with it, except for one thing. Why is "GODS" capitalized? If there is a specific reason stated later, then you can ignore this. But if there wasn't a reason for it, completely capitalizing a word can remove some of the dramatic-ness of a story.
This first sentence is a sentence fragment-- you should connect it to the second sentence by removing the period, uncapitalizing "There", and placing a comma. I like how you add "Unusual concept of powers and skills."
I'm a little confused here. Since you didn't explain these concepts, you've introduced too much and the reader is a little bit bewildered. I suggest explaining what the "C ordo" and the "GODS" are before adding this part.
Also, the first sentence is a run-on.
This is much too tacky. The first part is fine, but the second sentence really bores out the reader. Try not to say things that seem to have come from a dictionary and add them in a creative way; for example, a character talking about it.
Okay, I get that you are trying to introduce many new things, but you should probably introduce them in a less tacky way. First, the two foremost sentences are run-ons. The third and fourth sentences don't have proper tense agreement and are run-ons.
Also, the fourth sentence is a bit confusing to me. Are you saying that the Creatura's knowledge made them become "Creatures"? The next part of the sentence is the most confusing. Everything here is a bit messy and unable to be understood very well.
Before I go on, I suggest that in the future, you proofread your work. All of these ideas are excellent, and I can tell that they come from a brilliant mind, but if proofreading is neglected, the consequences can be more than annoying.
If "Minister" is the name of a character, then no need to do this, but you should place a "The" or an "A" in front of it.
First, you must capitalize "Sen". Then, you must add a "was" before "an old man" and remove the comma. You should also place a period after orphanage; add a comma after and before "Sen"; and that's about it for this part.
I like how you add the "unlucky". It really gives the reader some taste of what to come.
The second sentence is a run-on (Place a comma after "Days" and an "every" before "15"), but the information is *no problemo* here.
I am pretty sure you meant "Adventurers"?
Capitalize "Pope", and place a comma after Baptism and after "mostly".
Now, moving on to the next part:
This is a very ineffective place-holder and can annoy a reader. Maybe some readers will like this kind of statement, but I dislike it very much. If you were simply trying to postpone the explanation, then you shouldn't have added this. If you were doing this purposefully, then no problem.
Capitalize the "T" in the second "tomorrow", and place a comma after "baptism".
The first sentence is a fragment. Additionally, when listing people including yourself, you must place "I" at the end of the list. Basically, you should change this to "Erika, August, Serene, and I live within our room."
This is a run-on. Also, the last part, "I am at the same age as Serene." is a bit clunky. Basically, you should place a comma after every "me", change the last part to "while Serene and I are the same age," and remove the "while."
Also, you neglect to mention what Serene and Sen's actual ages are.
Why did you put these within brackets? Just wondering.
The part in brackets should be in italics (That's what I do for a POV's thoughts), and you should change "started" to "start"-- as there is improper tense agreement.
How does a person speak while shouting?
There should be capitalization on "so" and a comma after it-- as well as a question mark after "baptism".
Also, it seems to be that Sen isn't flustered at all when Erika is around, but earlier, you stated that Sen gets terrified from appearing awkward in front of Erika in fear of her rejecting him. These two situations contradict one another. You should either choose Sen with a small crush on Erika or Sen with a huge love for Erika to where he has those cute stammering moments and stuff like that. Don't use both.
After that, you begin to add the dragons and the "Elder dragons" and the "Great Glen". This is all very interesting, but I suggest you pace yourself.
First-- this is a Prologue. You wrote this like a chapter in story, not a prologue. The point of the prologue is to give the reader extra information that they would otherwise be unable to learn in the actual story.
Second-- you must slow down your writing. Even though this is a long chapter, there is too much information, too much action, and just too many things happening overall. The reader doesn't have time to process. I suggest making a organizer for your writing.
I'll make a sample organizer for you.
PrologueIntroduce some information to the reader through storytelling motion. Give foreshadowing on future scenes.
Chapter 1Sen gets baptized.
Chapter 2Preparations for Tournament.
Chapter 3Dragons arrive.
As you can see, the basic information that each chapter needs is listed here and you can then add some more information on it, creating a chapter. This is good if you're worldbuilding and/or narrating a fantasy.
Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review. I can't wait for the next installment of this story!
Bon Voyage!
-y0shi
Thanks for your review.
In this part, many things are in my imagination but I made many plans within it so I think the story will make sense when it will be completed.
Probably
but this is my first work so I think it is common to have some mistake within it.
I thank you for showing me my mistakes in it.
Now for more info, I would like to explain my thoughts of your review
The capitalization of GODS will be explained in near chapters.
This first sentence is a sentence fragment-- you should connect it to the second sentence by removing the period, uncapitalizing "There", and placing a comma.
this part I didn't understand properly.
About DEUS PARS, I thought it would be better if I gave some info on it in small sentences like that.
Also, I don't understand this part [Also, the first sentence is a run-on.]
I thought that giving some info like dictionary will help the reader to understand the concept properly so I wrote some sentences like that.
I don't understand what do you mean by tacky way.
The knowledge of Creatura was supposed to be the knowledge possessed by many beings called Creatura.
Later the word used for Creatura was replaced by creature but I thought some character will use that word so I introduced them first.
What is proofreading?
Here for the minister, I used the name as minister.
Now the statement where you said I must capitalise Sen, that statement was something that even I didn't know, Sen is a name of the character.
I accept the mistake for misusing the term 'adventures' in place of 'Adventurers'
[Who is Erika? I think I will answer that question later.]
About this statement, I thought this will spark curiosity so I accept my mistake here.
[Also, you neglect to mention what Serene and Sen's actual ages are.]
This is on purpose.
[Why did you put these within brackets? Just wondering.]
These are inner thoughts within their minds.
[How does a person speak while shouting?]
I imagined this part as my mother shouting at me for the same reason.
[PrologueIntroduce some information to the reader through storytelling motion. Give foreshadowing on future scenes.]
Your this statement contradicts with my thoughts.
I planned Prologue as a before story for my book that will give a limited amount of info about it but then I started to continue the story.
This is a great opening to this world, i look forward to reading more of it when it's published. if you have other stories in the universe that i can find, please let me know I'm vary interested.
Thanks, man I have few stories in my mind but it is rather hard to give them the shape that needs but the story will be interesting for sure