He knew no one walking in. His head hung low he wanted to go unnoticed. But when he finally raised his eyes he could see that that simply wasn’t so. As soon as he walked in the door everyone held their breath, and their hearts skipped a beat. Daniel Owens could never be invisible. To ignore beauty such as his would be an abominable crime.
Immediately he was seated beside the teacher, with a table that at the moment he had for himself. All were afraid to approach him though he was more than a pleasure to talk to. With a V shaped face, and eyes greener and more incandescent than the brightest emerald, Daniel resembled a tom cat in more ways than one. Daniel was Mother Nature’s handy work at its finest, never before had there been a better example of her genius.
Daniel set down his book bag beside him, but you could not get him to part with his camera. Instead of laying it on top of his bag he set it on his lap, embracing it slightly to his chest. The second bell rang and in came a rather large group of boys. By the way they walked Daniel knew they were the top of the food chain; gods, the standard of perfection to which everyone else was held. The standard, that is until Daniel arrived.
They walked in with an eruption of sound, in a uniform of form fitting denim and polo shirts with sports bags hanging from their shoulders. Compared to them Daniel felt his funeral ready garb was foolish and cheap. Quickly transferring his possessions to the floor to accommodate the amount of seats needed Daniel was too busy to note everything that was being said, though he could feel confidence radiating off them. It was something they put on in the morning like cologne and a clean shirt. A moth to the flame Daniel felt himself drawn to them and their total love of life.
“Hey man how’s it going?” The boy looking upon Daniel was a giant, towering above all his companions even as he slumped into his seat, with sunflower hair and summer sky eyes. So genuine and infectious was the smile on his face, Daniel couldn’t help but mirror his happiness. For a second they both faced each other, silently sizing up the other. The boy had chosen the seat across from Daniel, both a perfect selection and a terrible one.
“I’m good. How ‘bout you?”
“Alright. I’m Ricky. This is my girl Ely…” Daniel didn’t hear the rest of the names. Now that he looked, Daniel noticed that it was indeed a girl seated beside Ricky. They’d walked in the room holding hands and remained doing so as they sat in front of him only he was too preoccupied to notice.
Her black hair was pulled back tight, allowing her magnificent green-gray eyes to shine. Ely had not stood out, she had covered her shape with an oversized sweat shirt that looked exactly like the ones the others had on. Though her jeans stuck to her athletic legs, her gender still didn‘t jump out with a passing glance. She was in proportion, fit, but her height made her appear a giant. Daniel thought she must be about his height if not taller.
“… where did you move her from?”
“San Diego…You guys on a sports team?”
“Varsity soccer baby, all the way!”
“Yeah? I used to be in soccer.”
“Awesome, man you should try out next week.”
“I might take you up on that.”
“You better, we need new people, some guys are getting sloppy.”
“Really? From what I heard your guys’ soccer team is the best in the area.” Ricky’s smile turned into an impish grin as he shared a look between all the guys at the table.
“Well, we still could be better.”
Ely hit Ricky in the stomach and turned to Daniel, “Never mind him he’s a perfectionist.”
“And your not?” Ricky laughed as he poked her sides, “Who was the one at the last practice coaching a team they weren‘t even on?”
“Yeah because my girls were playing way better than your guys.”
“I’m sorry, which team has the perfect record?”
“Oh you are so lucky your cute or I’d have killed you long ago.”
Daniel smiled to himself. They looked so happy even if they were exchanging insults. The words that they were saying should have stung but they looked as if they were cooing the sweetest compliments. How Ricky looked at Ely made Daniel’s heart ache. What would he give to have someone to look at like that, to have someone look at him like that. What would he give to have Ely look at him like that…
“Like I was trying to say, you have to try out.”
“Yeah, man I will.”
___________________________________________________________________________________
Ricky and the guys had incorporated Daniel in their group, inviting him to check out a practice. It was amazing to see them at work, watching them practice was like watching dancers. Each player perfectly in sink with the other‘s movement.
He sat on the football bleachers next to Ely. Beside them was a group of giggling admires, there to lust after the sweat gleaming bodies. They wore short skirts and low cut shirts, desperately trying to catch any attention they could get. It worked, Daniel could see that some of the guys on the team looking back, their eyes filled with an animalistic curiosity that greatly sickened Daniel.
Ely noted how Daniel shook his head slightly every time one of the guys looked back. Every time the girls would burst out laughing when one of the guys took off their shirt or blew a kiss toward them, he‘d gag.
“Trashy don’t you think?” Daniel flinched at ‘trashy’. How many times had he heard that word said in reference to him and Susan? But still his reaction remained noticeable.
“Are they the actual low class hookers like their clothes suggest?”
“A fraction of them. The rest are too afraid to do anything but wear slutty clothes.”
“Pathetic.”
“Really? You don’t like ogling their chest every time they lean forward? They’d be so disappointed.”
“Why would they? I am just the new guy.”
“When was the last time you looked in a mirror? You’re a god Daniel! You can’t tell me no one’s ever told you that before! Sure, they came here expecting to open there legs up to a bunch of sweaty guys but they ended up lusting after you.”
Of course Daniel had received comments about his looks but somehow receiving them from a girl as odd as Ely took him aback. Daniel never expect her to take any notice of how he looked. After watching her with Ricky he knew she was his and that was that. But Daniel observed guiltily the pleasure he took from Ely’s remarks. He knew it wasn’t exactly praise, she was merely stating an obvious fact but it didn’t stop the butterflies in his stomach from taking flight.
“Your saying they’re into me? A guy who has not once looked back at them, choosing instead to watch a group of sweaty guys working out? I am not suggesting anything but even I have to admit that seems a bit strange.”
Ely’s laughter was abrupt, sharp with an under lying rumbling to it. The sound of it was a bit harsh but Daniel still found himself wanting to hear it again, sometime soon.
“We can dream.”
“We?” The most dazzling smile shone on his face. He’d hardly ever given his full smile once he’d hit puberty. Daniel had been trying to avoid the gawks it always brought, but when he unleashed it, it was something to marvel at. When he was a child it had gotten him whatever he wanted, with his parents, strangers, teachers, females and males alike. It didn’t matter who it was, the reaction was always the same.
Daniel knew the effect that that smile had upon people. He’d known what effect it would have on Ely, and even if it was wrong Daniel enjoyed the look that crossed her face. The outcome of his intent was immediate, by the gasps coming from Ely and even those from the girls at their side. No one on the bleachers was watching the practice anymore.
“Your evil you know that? Playing with us mortal women. Daniel, Daniel what should we do with you? Too beautiful for your own good and for anyone else’s... I know it’s completely off topic but has anyone ever called you anything but Daniel? It’s just so formal.”
“I am a god remember? Gods don‘t have nicknames.”
“Not Dan or anything?”
“Don’t ever call me that… Please.”
She turned to him and saw his smile faultier. He held a silent flame in his eyes that wasn’t there seconds before so of course she had to ask, “Why?”
“I just don’t like it.”
There was more to it than that. Ely knew, but she also knew that he wasn’t going to tell her. At least not them.
“What about Danny? You don’t like that either?”
“Surprisingly no one has ever tried to call me that. But you can if you really want to.”
“Danny it is then. My delectable Danny boy.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Ahoy! I've seen you around a few times, but I don't think I've ever properly introduced myself. I'm Razorblade.
This sentence doesn't make much sense, but by reading the rest of the paragraph I gather that he's trying to make himself invisible, so I'd say something like "His head hung low as he tried to make himself invisible" or something like that.
Another sentence that could use some changes in word choice. I'd change the ending to "a table that at the moment he had to himself."
This sentence should be deleted entirely.
I'm seeing an issue with clarity of word choice in your work at this point. Reword this sentence to say "Daniel set down his book bag beside him, but you could never get him to part with his cameras" or something like that.
Delete that comma.
Errors like these are ones that proofreading will fix.
Wrong "your." It should be "you're."
I think you mean "sync," not sink.
"there to lust after the bodies gleaming with sweat" would be a better choice here.
Underlying is one word.
Faulter*
Overall, this was good- I love the way you talked about the slutty girls on the bleachers. Oh so very true. It's well written, moves with spunk, and has believable dialogue. Your biggest flaw is definitely the way you word things along with lack of commas in certain areas- read this aloud and take note of where you pause naturally, and put commas there. I'm far too lazy to point all of them out, sorry. Heh.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Oh, and bonus points for the Oasis avatar.