Published January 3, 2008
=D Did this awhile ago. I never thought it was good until I brought it up in my literary club. They loved it so I thought I'd post it. D;= I had a better one called "Through Hazel Eyes" but the club kept it.
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The shadows blind me,
The sahdows bind me.
They don't let me walk
Nor talk.
I'm trapped in the shadows
Looking for the light.
I look day and night,
But were's the light?
The shadows blind me,
The shadows bind me.
They don't let me talk
nor walk.
I think I found what I need.
The light that feeds.
The light is the "you"
to the "me."
The shadows blind me,
The shadows bind me.
When I'm bound,
You free me.
When I can't see through the dark,
You light up my world.
If thunder came to scare me,
You'd calm thee.
When the wind thrashes,
You'll protect me.
If the rain made me cry,
You'd wipe my teary dry
And make the day sunny.
In other words...
You unite me.
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it was a nice composition I have to say... but it is missing substance. In other words... maybe add somethings to it.... the repetition worked wonders for this piece though.
I thought that you repeating the things was more like a song and not a poem. It was defintely good otherwise that. Maybe with a bit of editing it can be better. Also you should correct your spelling.
Keep writing!
~ Loz
Echo to Floydian up there. This definitely needs more imagery, and it is kind of navel-gazing. There's no feeling in it - you are just repeating and listing things like items on a grocery list. How many times have I said this today? Countless.
Before you submit this, or during the edit (if you are planning to edit that is), you should ask yourself these questions:
• What do you want the reader to feel as they read this?
• What did you feel as you wrote this?
• Why should we care?
Its obvious that you care about this person, but why should the reader? You attach little relevance to the reader's emotions in this.
Keep working on it! Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but my mom is screaming at me to leave the computer. >.<
Cheers,
Camille
Hmm... this was ok. It had potential, I think. I think sometimes the rhyme's were forced. I think things were a bit dragged on, particularly at the end. I would like to see some imagery tossed up in there. I would also like some more advanced vocabulary.The one part I either really like or don't like at all is "In other words.../you unite me." It seems to wrap it up pretty good... but doesn't seem to have much to do with the content itself other then it seems kinda sweet. Overall meh, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to come off as harsh or anything, and I do think you have potential. Just needs some work, is all!