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Young Writers Society



The Alchemy Child: Chapter Six

by kioneslayer


It's actually only G in this chapter for the moment. This is REALLY short! So be warned. I wanted to make it longer, but not much happens while their in the town, and I only really needed you guys to know how badly their wanted. D;= nothing very exciting happened yet. I'm actually waiting a bit for a few surprised to jump out of the boxes. =D I hope you all enjoy! <3

~Ally

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Chapter Six

A thump on the door woke Alita from her peaceful sleep. She bolted up and went straight for the door. She looked through the peephole to see a distorted sight. She backed up a bit and gave herself time to calm down before opening the door with a frown. “What’s wrong, Jansen?” Alita asked innocently as she tilted her head to the side.

Jansen looked to Alita, seeing her in her white night gown. “Turn the TV to channel six, hurry,” Jansen ordered, pushing her inside slightly as he shut the door behind him.

Alita did as she was told, immediately going to the TV and turning it on with a push of a button. She then hurried to the remote that was on the nightstand and flipped it to channel six. She glanced at Jansen as she realized the news was on.

“Just listen to what it says, Alita. Trust me, you should hear about this,” Jansen said seriously as he let out a silent breath, noticing her tense

On the television, a woman with glossy black hair and tan skin was speaking. She then turned the audience’s attention to a man at a different desk. As the screen switched over to the man, two pictures showed up next to his head. One of Alita and one of Jansen.

“Thank you, Rebecca. As you heard only moments ago, two teenagers from Rushana Academy have run away. The two teenagers, Alita Brown and Jansen Koren, were seniors at the academy. Alita is a girl of seventeen, who’s highly advanced for her age. She has black hair to her knees and violet eyes. Jansen is a blonde male of eighteen that has blue eyes. Both students are possibly dangerous. The children have been spotted at Russian and Finnish boarders. No one is positive as to where they are headed, but there is a reward to any who can capture the two and return them without causing harm. Both students are greatly missed by their parents,”

At that moment, he turned to a couple, “Miss and Mister Brown, is there anything you would like to say about your daughter?”

“Oh, yes. We would like to say that Alita isn’t a bad child! She wouldn’t even hurt a fly, but we deeply miss her and want her back in our arms. It hurts to know my poor baby ran away from such a nice school! Please, oh, please, Alita, if you can hear me, come home!” the women said as she sobbed into her husband’s right shoulder.

The man tried to comfort his wife as he looked to the reporter. “I’d give my soul to have my child back,” was the only thing husband said to anyone but his wife.

“Parents!? Those two aren’t my parents! I don’t even know those two! I know what my mother looks like and that’s not my mother!” Alita screamed, not realizing it until she got that ‘Are you alright?’ look from Jansen. “I’m sorry, but their not my parents. And I’m outraged that they would hire someone that doesn’t even know me to be my ‘parents’ for the news. I’d bet my life that Ms. Ganda hired them,” Alita added quickly to try and make him believe that she wasn’t hurt about the act, just mad.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. You need to get dressed. We need to start moving tonight. Who knows how long it’s going to be until the guards are on us. We need to break for the beach. We’ll take a boat to Sweden. We’ll then travel by land until we get to the southern most point. Then we’ll ask a fisherman to take us to Germany. But we need to move quickly. It’s going to take a couple of days to clear the land to the sea, and I’m not sure how much time we have,” Jansen said softly, waiting for her to have a more serious attitude. “I’ll wait outside, alright? Fizzy is in my pack outside the door, so don’t worry about him,” Jansen added with a smile then left the room.

Alita didn’t hesitate to get changed. She switched from her white nightgown to her faded blue jeans and forest green tank top. She pulled on her hiking boots and stuffed her gown into her traveling pack before slinging it over her shoulder. She walked to the door with a slight hum coming from her lips. She tossed her room key to Jansen after stepping out.

“I’ll be back in a flash. I’ll meet you at the entrance to the town,” Jansen said quickly as he dashed off to the main office to return their keys before anyone noticed who they were from the news.

It wasn’t long before Jansen met Alita at the entrance arch. They walked through and started their way to the west.

To continue or go back: ...< Prev_Next >


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84 Reviews


Points: 890
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Sat Dec 29, 2007 3:24 am
Dreami wrote a review...



She looked through the peephole to see a distorted view. [Awkward phrase at the end, change the final word.] She backed up a bit and let [gave] herself time to calm down before opening the door with a frown.

Jansen looked to Alita, noticing that he must have awoken her by her white night gown. [Maybe, Jasen looked to Alita, still dressed in her white night gown? This just seems like an odd sentance.]

Jansen said seriously as he let out a silent breath as he noticed her tension at his words. [He noticed her at his.... just an awkward phrase again. Rephrase this.]

On the television, a woman with glossy black hair and tan like skin was speaking. [Remove the 'like']

As you heard, only moments ago, two teenagers from Rushana Academy have run away. [Remove first comma] Alita is a girl of seventeen, who’s highly advance for her age. [Advanced]

The children have been spotted at the Russian and Finland boarders. [Either make Russian and Finnish borders, or the borders of Russia and Finland. Preferably the first.] No one is positive as to where they are headed [insert comma] but there is a reward to any who can capture the two without causing harm and return them. [I would personally make this 'capture the two and return them without causing harm'.]
at [Capitilize and make into a new paragraph] that moment, he turned to a couple, “Miss and Mister Brown, is there anything you would like to say about your daughter?”

Alita screamed, not realizing it until he [typo] got that ‘are you alright’ [Capitalize Are?] look from Jansen.

Jansen said softly, wanting her to click [better word?] over to a more serious matter.
__________

General Comments: Maybe I have to read other Chapters, but the characters seemed a bit flat here. I'd round them out a bit and give them flaws. But it could be just because I stepped in at a bad time. Anyways, I found it rather plain, and this didn't get me too intrigued by the story. Some of your phrases are awkward, so just be careful of that.

- Dreami
[Critiques of my own work are very appreciated. ^.^]





It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
— Mark Twain