The boys had purposely been fighting, and Jake purposely pushed Will.
What he didn’t purposely do was ruin both of their lives. Now the guilt would last forever.
It had been a stormy afternoon in Chicago. Two best friends Jake and Will were together, like always; these 16 year olds were like brothers. Will had just gotten a new girlfriend, but he wasn’t sure how to tell Jake considering it was his ex. The worst part was, Jake still liked her.
Finally, Will told Jake; he waited in silence watching Jake’s happy face turn into a frown. Jake motioned for Will to get out. Will hesitated, not sure if he had just ruined a relationship. Jake now motioned toward the stairs. Will started down them but turned around and said, “Wait a minute, can’t we talk this out man?” Jake shook his head no and shoved Will down the stairs. Crying out loud Will landed with a thump; all was silent. Jakes eyes got big, and he started to sweat. He knew something was wrong. He picked up his jacket and ran down the stairs and out the door.
“Will, I’m home.” Will’s mom walked in the front door calling him. She walked around the corner and saw Will. She screamed and ran over to the face-down boy, “Will? Honey?” there was no reply. The frightened woman ran toward the phone. The ambulance showed up a few minutes later. They walked out later carrying the covered corpse of Will.
Jake had been watching from a far. He knew he had to confess, but how? How could he tell his practically second mom that he killed her son, his best friend? He started to feel nauseous and light headed. He ran in the front door of his house running straight past his family telling them he wasn’t hungry. Up in his room he cried, not knowing what to do, not knowing why he had done it in the first place. His BEST friend was gone and not to mention it was because of him.
The next day at school everyone was talking about it. His friends were crying, and the teachers rushed around trying to calm everyone down. He felt so guilty. How could he handle this? Questioning had been going on all day at the school, people were being called down to the office. Will’s mom assumed it was not an accident Will had fallen down the stairs. Eventually a voice called Jake. His heart thumped loudly, so loudly he was sure everyone could hear it. When he got there Will’s mom sent him back away, saying it couldn’t have been him; they were best friends. This made the guilt worse.
A couple of days went on. The guilt was constantly getting worse. Jake felt sick to his stomach. He barely ate and was constantly avoiding conversation with anyone. The funeral was in a few days and Jake was asked to say a couple of words. What was he saposed to say? Hi I’m Jake, I killed Will. That would come off great. He wouldn’t tell, he couldn’t, but the way he was now was killing him inside.
The day of the funeral, how could this be happening? It wasn’t a dream at all; it was real. As he got dressed he was quickly trying to figure out what to say. He hadn’t dared thought of that until now. This was weird. Not only did he kill his best friend, but everyone trusted that he wasn’t the culprit.
The music played loud through the doors of the church. Will’s mom walked in crying. This made Jake sick to his stomach once again. Everyone gradually sat down in the pews and the organ stopped playing. Lots of people got up to say a few words. Jake didn’t pay any attention; he still had no idea what to say.
Finally, Jake was called up to say his speech. He wobbled up the stairs and slumped down, bowing his head. He cleared his throat then his breath was taken away. He lifted his head up and stuttered. There was silence, complete and total silence. PRESSURE! This was what Jake was avoiding; he was being pressured to say he did it. He tried it again, more stuttering. Jake raised his hands up high and screamed, “I did it!” Gasps filled the church. Will’s mom looked like she would faint. His parents alone were enough to make him sick.
The police car pulled away from Jake’s house with him in the car. Everyone knew that he was not lying; he had done it. They would keep him in jail until they decided if it was an accidental murder are not. Jake had purposely pushed Will. He never expected it to end like this though.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I think you had a rather intriguing story here, but it failed to stick because of the execution of the said story. You have characters, you have a conflict, you have a climax and its repercussions. All the ingredients are there, but it just doesn't hold together because the binding agent was lacking in this story. You need to evoke interest in the readers and for that you need to make sure that you have a firm foundation for your characters and the story you are trying to narrate.
The first two sentences of the story felt a little out of place, although they did serve as a kind of foreboding that engaged the reader's curiosity. We are introduced to Will and Jake and we are immediately thrust in the middle of their conflict without actually building any connection or understanding of the characters first. Unless you can create that bond between the characters and the readers, they have no reason to care for any of the events that take place in the story.
I think a major thing that contributed to this was the pacing. You have solid content here, but the rushed pacing and the casual narration created a kind of emotional distance that did not allow us to actually invest in the character and his story. Everything happens too fast, without giving us a chance to connect. Its like we were watching the entire thing unfold from the background on the other side of a blank screen that keeps us impersonal and uncaring throughout. You carry on with your narration at the same pace, telling us everything without really showing us anything. And I think that is where the distance widens, because the readers have no space to engage in the story themselves.
If you could expand on some of themes here, then I think the story could work a whole lot better. For example , we are told that Jake was feeling guilty for what he did, but how do we know that if we are not shown his guilt? Show us these emotions, explore their impact on the character instead of just telling us what he is feeling and what he is doing. That would engage the readers in the story and they would feel like they are a part of the journey.
Other points:
The entire way this unfolded felt a little strange to me. I cannot imagine this taking place in real life. It felt like Jake knew what was going to happen and was asking Jake if they couldn't settle it any other way that did not include pushing him off the staircase. Also, I don't think anyone would invite someone to the head of the staircase so that they can push them off with their knowledge. It just seemed a little unnatural to me.
You use the word 'run' twice in the context and it sounds a little repetitive. Also, you can't run in the front door, you run through it. The correct sentence will be: "He rushed through the front door of his house , running straight past his family, telling them he wasn’t hungry." I used the word 'rush' instead of 'run' to avoid repetition and I added a few commas, because without them the sentence just seemed to run on.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
This is interesting. A good attempt.
Show, don't tell.
This whole piece is being told, almost dictated to the reader. This takes most of the fun out of it and makes the reader think 'Why should I read this if it doesn't allow me to use my imagination?'.
A piece needs some sort of action, speech and description to make it fulfilling. If you want to put in history of the characters then add flashbacks or get the characters to mention past events.
Otherwise it's like you're being forced to listen to some myth that your Physics Teacher tells all his pupils to get them to do homework. It becomes boring.
Storyline
Your storyline has potential. I think you could expand the whole piece and make it into a full short story. That way you could go into depth with the reactions - perhaps arguments and fights that lead up for a few weeks to a final confrontation. Then instead of Will getting pushed, perhaps he is trampled on or stabbed or something a bit more dramatic.
Remember, literary devices, senses and conflict are key to a good piece of writing. Try to show the reader what's going on and your writing will instantly get better.
All the best with your writing,
Alainna
xx
Please review.