[This is a quick passage from the novel I'm writing for NaNo, Freed. The main character speaking here is a cheetah named Remus, who has human intelligence and was born in a testing laboratory.]
“Mother”
Passage from Freed
Mother was the solid figure in our lives. During the uncertainty of early life in the laboratory, Mother was the one thing that remained constant. She was always kind and gentle, even when the tests ran her to the bone. If we behaved, on Sundays she would run laps with us around the compound, going round and round until Romulus and I collapsed in fits of giggles. Sundays were the good days, because Mondays brought more tests.
Mondays were also bath days, and Lord, how we hated bath days. She would pin us down while we struggled, starting at our ears and working down to our tails. If we misbehaved, the baths were longer. We learned not to struggle.
I also remember her in other ways. Even though she knew she couldn’t fight, Mother protected us from the Whitecoats. Oh, how she would hiss and spit! She loved us with all of her heart, and she wanted us to know, even if her efforts to keep us from the horrors of the tests were in vain.
She died last year. The Whitecoats killed her. We didn’t know why, but we heard her screams. She said “I love you.”
That night, Romulus and I said nothing, only cried for hours in the emptiness of the compound.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi!
so, this is what i would say.
The starting line sounds a little rushed. actually, i don't even think it's really needed, at all. the second line is really good, and it makes a much better 'thesis', per say.
A lab is not a place to raise cheetahs. Maybe they were born there...maybe. But cheetahs, even super-smart engineered cheetahs, need room to roam, and a lab, no matter how big it is, isn't going to be miles long. Cheetahs, in zoos, have at least mile-long enclosures, I think. Or else, they get restless, and depressed. Mom can't be running around with her kittens (cubs?) in a 20-30 foot square lab, they would nock things over.
The bath thing is a good detail about her, but it isn't placed right. We're supposed to feel like Mother is this amazing, maternal, loving figure, at least at first. the last line of that paragraph, 'we learned not to struggle', feels like she's oppressing her kittens(again, cubs?). You could cut out the paragraph and use it for later, because even though right now, you want us to believe she's perfect, of course you want her to be a dynamic character, and the bath detail gave her dynamic.
Female cheetahs are more than capable of bringing down scientists. Especially females. This is because, while male cheetahs hunt in small packs, females hunt alone, for themselves and for their young. They are incredibly lethal and fast and would not have too much trouble bringing down a few un-athletic, unarmed interns. The only way to work with big cats is to cooperate with them.
the way Mother died was very hazy. for one thing, she is a cheetah. 'scream' is a pretty universal sound among animals, but cheetahs really aren't too capable of it. for one thing, they cannot roar. they have the voice mechanics of a house cat. they purr and hiss, maybe yowl, but you wouldn't describe any of those sounds as a scream.
furthermore, when did she say "i love you?' when she was being tortured to death? before it? did she KNOW she was going to be killed?" and don't scientists euthanize animals instead of painfully slaughtering them?
also, it would be great if you could clarify Mother's own intelligence. if she's just a normal cheetah, then there has got to be a pretty noticeable difference between her and her cubs (kittens?). there might be views that she has that her offspring would question. There are a lot of possibilities that you could explore with that.
I'm super-excited to know how this story turns out, but i'm not going to review anymore of it (if you're posting the rest of it) because honestly, i hate criticizing people on stuff they pour their souls into...
This really cool. I like how you refer to the humans (my tired brain can't find a better word, sorry) as Whitecoats. It makes it more believable.
I love how you combine funny parts with sadness leaking through.
My favourite line would be "Even though she knew she couldn’t fight, Mother protected us from the Whitecoats. Oh, how she would hiss and spit!" It creates a clear imagery and I can see it before my eyes easily.
Now I am curious to what will happen (or what happened already) to Remus and Romulus! This really grabbed my attention.
Great work and good luck for NaNo!