z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 1: Setting up Shop

by kingofeli


Who are all these characters? Click here to find out.

Plot: In the sleepy seaside town of Newsworth, South Carolina, if you're a cat who needs help, you go to Jethro and Channary. The valued companions of the town's general market owner, these two cats know all about Newsworth's residents, both human and other. Even they are stunned, however, when someone starts killing cats and leaving their bodies on the steps of churches. The already puzzling case escalates when someone steals the kittens of the cat church's reverend and holds them at ransom: the kittens in return for the reverend's life. It's up to Jethro and Channary to solve this mystery, and catch the killer, before it's too late.

Chapter 1

May 30th, 1998 was a warm summer day--one of the pleasant ones, too, the ones at the start of summer just before the heat hits. It was the kind of day where Cody Springer, manager of the town's one-and-only general market, would leave the windows open. This meant that Jethro, Cody's brown-and-white tiger tabby tomcat, could curl up in the window instead of going outside via the catflap. In fact, that was just where Jethro was now, stretched out in the window beside the floral arrangements.

Summertime meant slow business for Jethro. Although Newsworth, South Carolina was hardly the center of criminal activity, he was often kept on his paws thanks to him being one of only a handful of officers. But now, in the first few weeks of a glorious summer, everyone in the town was starting to slow down. Seasonal laziness was a staple here, and Jethro was glad for the break. Settling his head on his paws, he closed his great green eyes, softly purring as he listened to Cody opening up the shop. It was eight o' clock on a Saturday, so neither of them were expecting any visitors just yet.

It seemed, however, that today was going to be full of surprises. The doorbell jingled at exactly eight-oh-two A.M, signaling the arrival of another human being.

Jethro paused his nap to lift his head, ears swiveled towards the front of the store. With a jolt of alarm, he recognized the person arriving as Jane Hashimoto, the human belonging to the Japanese Bobtail Sakura. Channary, his sister, was supposed to be at Sakura's house last night, along with Daisy, her second partner; they were both Sakura's girlfriends. Jethro, always ready to fear the worst, leaped from his perch and ran to the front. He jumped up behind the cash register, giving a distressed meow.



"Miss Hashimoto, you're mighty early this mornin'," Cody said, setting down a box of dog food, then brushing off his hands as he made his way over to her. "You need somethin'?"



"Oh no, everything is fine," she replied, struggling to open her shoulder bag. It seemed to be wriggling dangerously. "I'm just here to retun your--ah!" Her last words were cut off when Channary, Sakura, and Daisy burst out of her bag, then tore off down the aisles and into the back of the store. "Ah--your cat, and mine, apparently," Jane finished, tucking one strand of dark, silky hair behind her ear.

Jethro, upon noticing that his sister was there and in no immediate danger, ran off after her into the back aisles of the store. She was giggling loudly (I have no idea what this means), which allowed him to catch up with her, sliding to a slow stop on the wooden floor. Channary, Sakura, and Daisy sat in a small circle of sorts behind one of the soup displays, tails fluffed out and wriggling as they laughed. They hadn't noticed Jethro, who strolled up behind the cat in front of him, Sakura, and peered over the tops of her ears.

"Now, what kind of trouble did you three get yourselves into?" he huffed, narrowing his eyes at his sister and her girlfriends. Channary, with laughter still dancing in her eyes, looked up at her brother and grinned.

"No trouble," Channary said with a dismissive flick of her tail. "Just a small misunderstanding. I guess Jane thought I was lost, so she shut all three of us indoors last night and wouldn't let us leave. Then she put us in her purse this morning--her purse!" The calico laughed, lifting one paw to her mouth.

“Is that really all that happened?" Jethro frowned.

"Yes! I promise you, we didn't do anything illegal, Jethro. That's stupid. We're both police officers,; if we got caught doing anything illegal it'd be the end for us all!" Channary flung herself on her back and splayed all four limbs out in a dramatic display. Sakura and Daisy burst into a fit of giggles. Jethro merely rolled his eyes in response, padding away from his sister and her girlfriends. His sister had always been the joker type. He decided to leave her to her friends, making his way back to a quieter place.

Jethro was more interested in finding a window to look out of at the moment than bothering with those troublemakers. Bunching up his muscles, Jethro jumped onto a different windowsill, settling down on it and turning his face towards the window.

Quietly, he studied his surroundings, making a mental note of the blue birds starting to build a new nest in the bushes down below, and of the mouse who was having a nibble on the daisy heads. He sometimes hunted when he wasn't feeling up to eating what Cody offered him that day, and he liked getting a head start on his prey's movements. At the moment, Jethro was more interested in getting the rest of his nap in, so he tucked his paws underneath him and shut his eyes.

The doorbell jingled again about an hour after Jane had entered. Slightly irritated that he'd been woken yet again, Jethro jumped down from his perch with an unhappy growl and stalked to the front of the store, forcing himself to put on a good face. Customer service was always key, after all, and Jethro was good at hiding his emotions.

He recognized the man walking in as Reverend Michael Jones, a member of the nearby Newsworth Coastal Church, a non-denominational. He was owned by one of Jethro's very dear friends, Reverend Luke, one of the members of the very church he attended, the Holy Church of Cats, also a non-denominational. He and Jethro had gotten close after Jethro was chased out of most of the other churches. Luke was the cat who finally accepted him, and the two struck up a friendship after Jethro attended the church the first few times.

"Good mornin'," Michael said as he walked up to the front counter. Luke climbed up Michael's clothes to sit on his shoulder, looking quite dignified; his coat made him look like a little business cat, with its tuxedo pattern. Jethro jumped up onto the front counter, giving Luke a happy chitter in greeting. Luke returned the greeting, hopping from Michael's shoulder to Jethro, bumping his forehead against his companion's. It was a normal friendly greeting between two cats.

"Jethro," Luke purred as the two cats made their way down from the desk. "It's good to see you. I trust you have been well?" They ambled back towards the aisles, with Jethro deciding to lead them down the one with all of the flowers. The pungent scents were pleasant to him, and gave a calm, gentle atmosphere. Jethro and Luke were walking shoulder-to-shoulder, so close that their pelts were blushing slightly.

"Of course," Jethro replied. "Things have been slow around here. Summer sets in, and everybody gets lazy, including the criminals. Lucky for us, I suppose."

"Certainly, but the work of a child of God is never done," Luke said, almost as if he was reminding him. Jethro nodded in agreement. "And how about your sister?"

"Not keeping her nose out of trouble, I assure you," Jethro replied, half-laughing and half-grunting. "She was brought in by Jane Hashimoto -- you know, Sakura's human? She'd gotten locked into her house last night when she was with Sakura and Daisy." The reverend chuckled lightly at that, flicking one ear in response to Jethro's story.

"She's always been a trouble maker, that one. I wish she would come down to the church more often. It seems almost as though she has an aversion to it." Getting onto his back paws, Luke leaned up to sniff at some roses, then rubbed his head against them to leave his scent. "I'll bet dear Polly would love some roses. She's always liked the scent."

"Speaking of that, how is Polly?" Jethro remembered all too well the reverend's growing family. He'd been just barely present for the birth of Polly and Luke's kittens; they'd come a bit early, and she'd had them out in the reverend's human's barn. Luke had called for Jethro, and he managed to make it just in time to watch as the first one was delivered. It had been somewhat of a difficult birth, so Jethro had done his best to keep up with the family and make sure they were doing alright.

A smile crossed Luke's face. "She is well. I believe she and the kittens had the Lord watching over them. They are a bit small, but they did open their eyes yesterday." Jethro could feel the happiness radiating from his friend's core, and he couldn't help but smile in return. He was happy for him; Luke and Polly had tried unsuccessfully for kittens many times. They had wanted a family for a long time, and he thought it only fair that they could get them. "How about you, Jethro? Will I be seeing any tigers running around soon?"

The question didn't catch him off guard, but it did make Jethro sigh. It was true that he longed for a family; although he was gay and asexual, having a litter was a dream of his that he hoped to achieve someday. However, that wouldn't be able to happen unless Orion, his boyfriend, decided to allow him to mate during one of his heats. That was unlikely.

"Probably not, Luke," Jethro replied wistfully. "Orion -- well, you know how Orion is. He's so frightened that me being with him will ruin my reputation, and he's nervous about the idea of having kittens. He doesn't think he'll be a good father."

"Nonsense," Luke assured him. "None of us are perfect. Why, my parents made many mistakes while raising me, but I like to think I turned out okay." A rusty purr came from Luke's chest at that. "The poor boy. He has so many anxieties."

"When you grow up the way he did, you get them." Jethro knew that Orion's kittenhood hadn't been pleasant. Many cats simply outright refused to acknowledge him as a tom, his parents included. He was lucky to be in a somewhat accepting environment, now, but he was still shunned. "He's also afraid of how our kittens would grow up. Ethnically, they'd be Jewish, but if they wanted to be Christian like me, he's afraid it could cause problems. Of course, his parents will want him to raise them Jewish, and they won't accept anything less."

"Well, I support you, and him, no matter what path he chooses." Luke put a paw on Jethro's shoulder encouragingly, making the bigger tom smile. "Now, then. Perhaps we should make an inquiry to your human about those roses..."


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77 Reviews


Points: 5851
Reviews: 77

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Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:21 pm
FeatherPen wrote a review...



Hi Kingofeli,
Happy review day,

As the author it is useful to have a character profile for each of the main ones. However if your readers need on it indicates you have not introduced your characters well. You actually have, so trust your writing to do the introductions. It is nicer for the reader to learn about the character than to read a file and feel like they have to remember all of it to read the story. Indecently this is a form of showing and not telling.

You may wish to call the first section the prolog or intro as opposed to plot which indicates it might be the plot summary. No one wants to read a plot summary at the beginning of a book! looking back what you have written is simmiler to the back of a book.

Additionally, this chapter is long, at least in the reviewing sense. If you want some really constructive reviews you could split it into parts as I’m sure you have seen others on yws do already. It also makes it less daunting for people to start reading. even splitting the prolog from the chapter would make it just about an easy lenth.

You start off well with a nice description at the beging of chapter 1, introducing your characters and where, when they are.

I like the fact that from the cat’s perspective, the human belongs to the cat.

When introducing Sakura it would be easier if you phased it this way around.
the human belonging to Sakura, the Japanese Bobtail.
As opposed to
the human belonging to the Japanese Bobtail Sakura.
either way it needs a coma.

I like how you have described the cat’s body language throughout the story, it is something that makes thinking animal stories able to work.

He and Jethro had gotten close after Jethro was chased out of most of the other churches. Luke was the cat who finally accepted him, and the two struck up a friendship after Jethro attended the church the first few times.
Here you could add why Jethro was kicked out of the other churches. It would be a more subbtle way to drop that he was gay and asexual. presuming that is the reason

"Certainly, but the work of a child of God is never done," Luke said, almost as if he was reminding him. Jethro nodded in agreement.
“Almost as though he was reminding him” is not as strong as “Luke reminded him.”

Your dialog works well and comes naturally form the characters and I could picture the store on that hot morning, well in my head.

Telll me if you post the next chapter, because I'd like to see where you go with this.




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277 Reviews


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Reviews: 277

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Sat Nov 21, 2015 1:42 am
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Charm wrote a review...



First of all, hello! The first things I noticed was how long this chapter is (very long). That might just be me (I tend to prefer shorter chapters). The second things I notice before reading was the character thing you had on the top. This was a little, um, disappointing (I don't think that's the right word) I don't like to be overwhelmed with character descriptions. I want to read something like this:
"She smiled and tucked her blonde hair behind her ear" or "Her glassy blue eyes looked up at her like a winter's snow globe"
Now to when I actually start reading:
Little confused I go to start reading and I am given a synopsis/summary?
Anyway scratch what I said earlier: Now to reading you synopsis!
When I start reading I am greeted with a sentence that does not make sense and does not flow properly: " In the sleepy seaside town of Newsworth, South Carolina, if you're a cat who needs help, you go to Jethro and Channary."
Second sentence does not make sense either. I think you should make them two separate sentences or just rephrase: "The valued companions of the town's general market owner, these two cats know all about Newsworth's residents, both human and other."
And now to actually start the actual reading:
Okay I was very pleasantly surprised. There are some grammar issues here and there and a couple a weird sentences but it's actually pretty decent.
I wouldn't say it's wonderful it definitely needs improving. Also I can tell you like cats. I like cats too.





“And how shall I think of you?' He considered a moment and then laughed. 'Think of me with my nose in a book!”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell