Published November 13, 2011
Why should I care to love her
If she doesn't love me back?
If she only gives me a quarter,
Why should I, alone, fill the sack?
Is friendship not a two-way street?
Why then do I feel as though in solitude?
At what point will we meet?
At what point will we, my solitude, conclude?
For anxious as a child I am
To hold your hands
To, just the two of us, all day jam
Talking senselessly about 'name brands'
Right now, I stand by my locker
Pretending to pack or organize my day
All the while, being only at glance, the great pretender
Inside awaiting a smile or hug to come my way
You seem so much like me
Then so much different
As you've failed to see
Me, in my childish predicament
You fail to see me right now
Awaiting my fantasized best friend
Who shall out of La-la land, bestow
Upon me, a friendship that lasts well after the end.
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I like your poem very much! The structure and style is very similar to mine; in fact I even wrote one about unrequited friendship too!
Someone said that this sounded forced, but I think that it has an offbeat feel and evokes a warm feeling of best friends and teenagers and childhood and stuff like that and I think of the times when I used to hang out with my best friend who's at a different school now.
[quote]Why should I, alone, fill the sack?
/quote]
ok, now this sounds a little funny. Is there such a phrase? But i don't know, maybe there is so I won't say further.
But all in all, very expressive! Good job! Keep writing!
Alright, so this is really good, and I like the theme. I definitely know what you mean. I just wanted to point out a few things:
For anxious as a child I am
To hold your hands
To, just the two of us, all day jam This sounds VERY forced. I'd scrap this line and try again here, it's just not natural feeling.
Talking senselessly about 'name brands' Again this feels forced, and I don't get any emotion out of this. I'd try again with this same theme, in different words.
Other than that and the rhyme scheme I loved this poem! Just try and even out the rhymes a bit more and make it a constant pattern, or it will distract the reader
Hi there kimmybee!
I think you've done an excellent job, my friend. Each one of your stanzas flow, they all make sense, and they are all connected. And I love the fact that the topic your bringing us is something normal, but you still managed to make art out of it. That's amazing! You're a great writer!
Keep it up!
~Solly<3