“Caramel,” the epiphany made his head fuzzy.
“Her eyes are like caramel,” his voice sounded so surreal.
“Huh?” Jared had already given up following Taylor. Still, his voice was edged with annoyance. “How can eyes that are clearly brown and ordinary be caramel?” Taylor felt the impatience. He faltered as he stumbled to reality.
“Well, obviously they aren’t as light as caramel…” he sighed, trailing off. It was no easy task bridging his emotions with reality. “But you see, they remind me of caramel,” That was as well as he could do.
“Oh?” Suddenly Tay was annoyed and frustrated. He cared not how long they had been best friends. Why couldn’t he just understand? Surely such matters shouldn’t be hard for a best friend to understand. But it was just as best, he resigned. The more confused Jared was, the better Tay saw his own unexplored expressions as the evening was proving.
“Warmth, honey, home,” he was exuberant once more; each word rang a note higher.
“Wow,” Jared plopped down beside Tay on the porch swing. “You my friend are a total goner.”
“I am aren’t I?” Tay couldn’t even allow himself to imagine how pathetic he looked to his best bud. Not to mention how completely uncharacteristic of him the scenario was.
“Yeah. Sitting here exploring the science of a girl’s eyes.”
“I didn’t love her,” the veracity of his words compelled him to say it again. “Jared, I didn’t love her then.”
“So was it all pretense?” He recalled only too well how many infatuated the two were.
“No. No, it wasn’t infatuation either,” he read his friend’s thought. “ I was very …fond of her you see.
I suppose it was a sort of prologue to the actual thing. Love. Oh but I still hate that word. After all, it does go around a lot does it not?” Not actually waiting for a reply, he continued, getting up and walking to the nearby post overlooking the night before them. “It does,” rather decidedly he was answering his own question.
“What are you going to do? You sure as hell can’t just sit here for the rest of your life yearning after her. She’s gone.”
“I know. I know that only too well,” he wore a bitter, sad smile. “Right now I feel. If I let myself feel as much as I can right now, then I won’t forget as easily. Then, when I do carry on, it won’t happen again,” he turned adamantly to his best friend. His determination was more for himself than for his friend, “I’ll never before here, like this, doing this, feeling like this, never again.”
Finally. All afternoon Tay had been at it with this mushy stuff. It was high time they hit the pub, in his opinion.
“I think I’m going to turn in early tonight,” his friend revealed heading for the screen door. “I think I can feel myself nursing a hangover in the morning already”
Or maybe he was just going back to his place for what was left of his own pack of cold beers.
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
This was an interesting read for me. These two guys were enjoyable to read about. However, it needs to be expanded. Tell us more about Taylor and why she has such a hold over these boys. The reader will want to know. Also, your dialogue was a bit artificial. You need to read it aloud so that you can see if people would actually say the things you are writing. In addition, some of the words you used seemed to be out of place. Like "yearning" and "exuberant." I don't know why they felt awkward, but they did. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece and I hope you write more. I can't wait to read it. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Tbh, this just popped into my head. Usually I don't even attempt prose :/ I'll definitely be looking into your suggestions (which are great btw) and get to working on it. First chance I get. Thanks for reading and reviewing
<3
Oooh and nice username (if you are a Sherlock BBC fan and that was a reference you should totes let me know *no, seriously you should because I'm a Johnlockian- going down with my ship*
Hey kimmybee!
I think you've done well, writing this. The humour is light and not too in-your-face and the characterisation is pretty good too! I'm not saying that it's perfect -- there's definitely stuff you can work on -- but I think this has real potential and I appreciated it a lot even in this early stage.
At least, I enjoyed it -- what a character!
I giggled quite a bit at this scene.
I *love* that you didn't give us the history of Taylor and Jared. You just plonk the two characters there in front of the reader, and it is their actions that tell the story. This is exactly the right idea for writing character-driven fiction. It doesn't take long for the reader to work out that Taylor is/was madly in love with someone and Jared is a bit annoyed with the melodrama of it all. This is great stuff.
I also enjoyed the line: "It was high time they hit the pub, in his opinion." That is *fantastic* characterisation for Jared, and it's unexpected and snappy enough to get a real laugh from me. Remember that this was effective (very occasionally, and in small doses).
Some of the language, however, is a little bit strange itself. It seems like Taylor is acting very dramatically and using phrases that are almost Shakespearian in their construction: "He cared not how long they had been best friends."
Just listen to it: "He cared not..." I can hear that line being delivered by an over-enthusiastic drama teacher, trying (but failing) to show kids that Shakespeare can be exciting. If this is intentional (which I think it is) to give Taylor a bit of a goofy personality, then maybe consider reserving the most flowery lines for direct speech? It's hard to tell (especially in such a short scene) whether the melodramatic language is meant to reflect Taylor's personality, or whether it's an oddity of the author's writing.
Also, while we're talking about Taylor's character, it's a bit awkward if you add in lines like "how completely uncharacteristic of him this was" because the reader doesn't know what Taylor / Jared are like! Unless this is part of a novel or collection of scenes, then it's probably best to forget about comparing them to something that the reader hasn't seen. Plus, a lot of the reader's enjoyment comes from them thinking that Taylor is For Real and always like that.
Finally, I guess the length is perhaps a little too short. I like that it's not long and sprawling, but you could always explore the situation further if you added a bit more. There isn't really any plot to this scene, but because it's quite short that doesn't seem to matter. I think you've done very well in a short space and I'd love to read some more of your writing (especially if it's like this)!
If you have something else that needs reviewing, please PM me and I'll see what I can do!
Take care, and happy writing!
Thank you! I'm not a prose person- except for reading
- but this was in my head and I tried to put it down. Haha, the awkward speaking? *guilty as charge* I would say that but then again I read and mock way too much Shakespeare :3 And I'm studying for my literature exams so I'm glad you pointed it out. As soon as I get back from exams I'll hopefully still be up for editing this.
Thank you! I'm not a prose person- except for reading
- but this was in my head and I tried to put it down. Haha, the awkward speaking? *guilty as charge* I would say that but then again I read and mock way too much Shakespeare :3 And I'm studying for my literature exams so I'm glad you pointed it out. As soon as I get back from exams I'll hopefully still be up for editing this.