the keeper

The Keeper

It was a hot summers day outside but it was nice and cool in the airport.

Molly was a girly girl with long blond hair and blue eyes, but her sister Sam on the other hand was a tom boy with short black hair and green eyes. “now girls behave on the flight, auntie Sheryl and uncle Davis will be waiting for you at the other end” said mum as Sam and molly boarded the plane. “don’t worry mum I’ll take care of her” said Sam.

The plane was crowded and the air was stuffy as people tried to find their seats. When the plane had finally taken off Molly could relax she hated take off. “It’s ok Molly” reassured Sam “Yeah I know it’s ok, it’s just this man at the back of the plane” “Is he staring at us?” asked Molly “Yeah he does look creepy, but no need to be paranoid. It’s only another hour till we get to Darwin” said Sam. When the plane landed Molly and Sam rushed off to find auntie Sheryl and Uncle Davis. “Hey guys” said uncle Davis “Wow you girls are so tall” commented auntie Sheryl. “Hi, how are you guys?” said Sam “We’re good” replied uncle Davis.

The car ride to Hart was long and hot the air was thick with moisture. Auntie Sheryl and uncle Davis’s house was on a big block of land just dirt and a few trees in a small town with only 20 houses including theirs. The had a dog called Andy, a cattle dog and is very energetic. “This is your room” said auntie Sheryl “Cool thanks” said Molly “There’s a TV in the living room if you want to watch and you can help yourselves to the food” offered uncle Davis “Thanks” said Sam. Molly and Sam went downstairs to watch TV the only thing on was the news so they decided that they would watch that. “Good evening everyone I’m Lucy Chambers and this is 8 news, tonight’s story is on the kidnapping and suspected murder of children in Darwin. There have been no suspects so far but the number of kidnapped children is climbing to 17 today when young Mitchell was kidnapped from a train stop while trying to get home from school, if you see anyone suspicious or have any information in this horrible kidnapping call crime stoppers on 1300 888 765 now over to Frank for the weather report” “Wow that’s scary I hope they find those poor children” commented auntie Sheryl “I hope they find the kidnapper” said uncle Davis. “Well girls it’s time for bed you have a big day tomorrow” said auntie Sheryl “Goodnight” said Molly “Night” said Sam.

The next day was hot but the air wasn’t stuffy. “Come on girls hurry up” rushed uncle Davis “We want to show you the main town and go shopping there” said auntie Sheryl “ Yay shopping I love shopping” Molly said excitedly “Awesome I want to see if they have any good rugby balls” said Sam

When they got to the shops Molly went cloths shopping with auntie Sheryl and Sam went sport shopping with uncle Davis. At lunch time they both met up at the food court and were taking photos of each other and together. After lunch they decided to go back home as it was a long drive home. When they got home it was 3pm so Sam and Molly decided to go out the front and play with Andy the dog. “Race you” shouted Sam playfully “Ok ready set go” shouted Molly playfully. When they reached the front of the property about 300m away from the house Molly pulled out her camera and started taking photos of Andy and herself. “Hey lets look at the photos that we took today” said Molly “ok” replied Sam as they where looking through the photos Sam noticed something was wrong “stop” yelled Sam “what?” asked Molly. “Look in the background of the photo it’s the creepy man from the plane” said Sam. “Flick to the next photo, look its him again” said Sam looking worried. “Wow he’s in every photo we took today, oh my god he’s stalking us” Molly pointed out.

One minute later a man pulled up in a old looking car He had his head down and signalled for then to come over to him. “Sam wait don’t go over there you don’t know who it is” said Molly looking worried. “Don’t worry he probably just wants directions go get uncle Davis” demanded Sam “ok” said Molly.

As Molly turned around she her a loud scream coming from Sam “Sam” yelled Molly “HELP, HELP, HELP” screamed Sam. “Davis, Davis” yelled Molly then Sam was knocked by a blow to the head. As molly rushed over to help Sam the kidnapper grabbed her and shoved her in the boot of the car followed by Sam’s unconscious body.

“Sam wake up Sam” cried Molly “Hmm what happened?” asked Sam “we’ve been kidnapped” replied Molly “Holly shit my head hurts” complained Sam “Where are we?” asked Sam “I don’t know we have been driving for hours and there’s no phone reception” replied Molly. The car skidded to a stop and the boot flung open startling Molly and Sam, “We’re here” said the kidnapper “Who are you?” asked Molly “The keeper” he replied. “Where are we?” asked Sam “Far far away if there are anymore questions I’m going kill you both” replied the keeper. After walking for about an hour through a forest they got to a lake. It was night time and it was dark and foggy and the weather was cold. “Get in” said the keeper it was a small raft made out of sticks and wood banded together with rope and vines. When they where on the small raft they started going upstream towards a cave in the distance. “I’m scared Sam” whispered Molly “As am I” Sam replied.

When they got to the cave the keeper lead them into the cave and as they where following they noticed all these bodies and bones of children, and then Sam noticed something on the wall “What is that on the wall?” questioned Sam “Brains of all my victims” replied the keeper then Molly puked “Get in” demanded the keeper. They hoped in a small iron bard cage “what are you going to do to us?” asked Sam “I SAID NO QUESTIONS!!!” yelled the keeper “But” complained Sam “shhh Sam” said Molly “THAT’S IT” yelled the keeper and he pulled Sam out of the cage and as she took one last look at her sister he smashed her head on to the rock and continued smashing her skull with a hammer you could see the blood going everywhere and the bits of bone on the ground Molly started to cry as the keeper pulled out her brain and licked it. Then he walked over to the wall and pinned her brain on the wall. He walked back over to the body and took out her heart and walked over to Molly “Eat it” demanded the keeper “NO” yelled Molly the keeper pinned her to the ground and forced it down her throat as Molly struggled she got out of his grip and started to run. As she was running she tripped and the keeper caught up to her and stabbed her in the stomach, As he turned around to grab the hammer Molly got up and ran to the end of the cave when she got there she realized that it was a very long drop down. As the keeper caught up to her Molly said “I rather take my own life then be killed by you” then she jumped.

By Kimberley Chapman

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infinitexoxo Review

Hey, interesting piece you have here. I'll go through some grammatical stuff for you, and then tell you what I think as a whole. Sound good? Great. :D

It was a hot summers day outside[insert comma here] but it was nice and cool in the airport.

Molly was a girly girl with long blond hair and blue eyes, but her sister Saminsert comma here on the other hand was a tom boy with short black hair and green eyes.


When the plane had finally taken offinsert a period here Molly could relaxinsert a comma here she hated take off.


“It’s ok Molly” reassured Sam “Yeah I know it’s ok, it’s just this man at the back of the plane” “Is he staring at us?” asked Molly “Yeah he does look creepy, but no need to be paranoid. It’s only another hour till we get to Darwin” said Sam. When the plane landed Molly and Sam rushed off to find auntie Sheryl and Uncle Davis. “Hey guys” said uncle Davis “Wow you girls are so tall” commented auntie Sheryl. “Hi, how are you guys?” said Sam “We’re good” replied uncle Davis.

Okay. Whenever a new person starts talking, you make a new paragraph.

Most of the other grammatical problems are repeats.

First thing, you seem to have problems with punctuating dialogue. Here's an example of how you do it:
“now girls behave on the flight, auntie Sheryl and uncle Davis will be waiting for you at the other end” said mum as Sam and molly boarded the plane.

This is how it should be done: "Now, girls, behave on the flight. Auntie Sheryl and Uncle Davis will be waiting for you at the other end," said Mum.
There are other problems with this sentence, but I'm sure other people will get to that. Anyways, after you finish the dialogue you always use a comma.

Also, as I mentioned before, when a new person starts talking create a new paragraph.

Also, you had some problems with comma.

Anyways, I did like this story and I thought it was suspenseful and interesting. If you fix some of the grammatical problems I'm sure it will have a lot of potential.

Good job!

-Robyn.

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Sionarama
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Hey, great story! U need some commas though. In the sentence
"now girls... you have to capitalize now and have a comma after girls...
U have a few gramaticl errors, but it's all great!



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