z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Fire!

by killerpanda809, none


One day in the yuan dynasty the mongol patrol was walking back to their outpost just over the hill next to a Mongol controlled farming village, which grew food for soldiers posted there in exchange for the villagers own safety. Right when they got over the hill they saw some smoke rising from the village just at the bottom of the hill, so they decided to check it out and make sure there is nothing wrong. They asked some of the soldiers from the outpost to come with them so they can take care of whatever is there. They took a water buffalo so they could carry a good amount of wter incase there was a fire. When they got to the village they saw it was a just a fire on the dirt ground with nobody by it. They were very suspicious of the fire a couple of soldiers went to grab the buckets of water from the yoke on the water buffalo. All of the sudden they heard a loud scream coming from behind them. It was a group of rebels coming at them with daos. The mongol patrol screamed at one of their soldiers, who happened to be named Chow khan, to run to the outpost and ask for cannons to bombard the rebel soldiers. The other mongol soldiers went to hold back the rebels from getting to the blacksmith because that will have more weapons for the rebels to use. Kublai Khan (the mongol general) went to the nearby establishments and told the residents to hide and stay out of the streets. Then Kublai Khan went back outside with a fire lance, lit it, then threw it at a group of rebels. The firelance stuck into a rebel and exploded with metal shrapnel flying everywhere and hitting nearby rebels. They heard a loud !BOOM! and saw one of the houses next to the rebels splinter into little tiny wood pieces. Ching Xia( the rebel general) came out of his cover and rushed a mongol soldier, and the last thing that mongol soldier felt was the icy cold metal of Ching Xia’s blade slice through his chest. When he heard the cannon fire he knew they were firing their bronze cannons. He went back into cover to write a message on a slip of paper and ran to the back of the town to give it to one of his rebel soldiers to take back to their outpost. the note the mongol general Kublai Khan is here, requesting reinforcements. Kublai Khan saw Ching Xia slay one of his soldiers, so he called for one of his soldiers to go to the outpost and tell them that Ching Xia was there. Kublai ran at a rebel and dodged his swinging blade by jumping to the side the blade just missed his body but cut through his green caftan. Kublai swung his dao and caught him right in the neck. Back at the outpost they were making some fire lances for a group of reinforcements heading to support Kublai, first they put some metal in the bamboo shoot, Second they put the gunpowder in the bamboo shoot then they put a piece of paper in the top of the barrel to light it. Scouts in the outpost saw a group of rebel reinforcements coming over the hill so they redirected the cannon fire at the group of reinforcements. BOOM BOOM BOOM, where the group originally was there was just dust there now. Ching Xia hopped out of cover , drew his sword, and rushed kublai khan but Kublai Khan dodged the blade and turned around and attempted to strike Ching but Ching blocked it. Some mongol reinforcements (including Chow Khan) had just turned the the corner in time because they saw Kublai get kicked down by Ching so Chow Khan grabbed a firelance and threw it as hard as he could ,BOOM, he had hit Ching. The mongol soldiers ran to Kublai to make sure he was ok but while one was running to Kublai Ching's sword came down from the explosion and went straight through one of the soldier's head. After the attack the farmhouse that got destroyed by the cannon fire was repaired, and the the village went back to farming.


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Wed Apr 20, 2016 4:36 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



The bad in this as a whole work at all was that you do not let the reader imagine.By that I meant that you do not need to tell us what to imagine or see.We can imagine it if you just show us what you really want to express and show us.So maybe this will be what you need to do.Every new writer has this problem at the very beginning at some espects.So with that already said,I want to tell you that this is like a heavy read even if short so maybe more readers will check it and read it if it is seperated in different paras with sense put while you do this,of course.Overall I like it but it needs work.I hope this is not a very negative review!Also double check and if needed correct your grammar/punctuation mistakes.Capitalization always makes the work more finished.




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Wed Apr 20, 2016 4:31 pm
Regretnothing wrote a review...



Hey there, I think you did a good job. I agree with @darkmindedemo Show don't tell. Which is funny because we just went through this in my creative writing class haha. Anyways just edit and I think you could make this into something great. Keep up the good work. Hope none of this discourages you and you'll keep writing. Message me any time if you want to talk. Good luck.

*hugs*




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Tue Mar 15, 2016 4:39 am
unicorn8672 wrote a review...



I really liked your story. I wonder if you could have broken your story up into paragraphs instead of one huge paragraph. I wonder if you could have shortened you sentences, some of your sentence are run on sentences. I wonder if you could have done more show not tell. I wonder if you could keep the tense the same through out the the whole story. I really like all of the action in your story. I really like all of the historical elements you Incorporated in your story. I also like the the ways that you Incorporated them into your story.




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Tue Mar 15, 2016 3:01 am
darkmindedemo wrote a review...



This is a good start. I would recommend adding dialogue instead of just telling us what they were trying to accomplish. Have you ever heard of show and not tell? That would make this so much better. Don't tell us that there may be a fire, say that the sky started to darken in the valley and the smell of the burning wood and crops could be detected for miles. Say that the light coming from the fire once up close was almost as bright as the sun. See how that sounds so much better than "oh hey there is a fire."

I'm not going to be not picky with the capitalization and punctuation, but there are some places where you might want to double check.

This is a good start, you know what you want to happen. Now just show and not tell and this will be a very good work.




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Mon Mar 14, 2016 11:37 pm
OvrweghtNarwhal says...



great storyline I loved reading it but it would be easier to read if you added paragraphs though other than that good work.




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Thu Mar 10, 2016 2:41 am
Nek0y0uka1 says...



I like how there was a lot of action, and you were pulled into the story until the end. There are a few run on sentences, and it would be easier to read if you formatted it with paragraphs. Also, don't forget capitalization. Other than that, it was filled with cool historical facts. Nice job, keep it up!




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Tue Mar 01, 2016 10:12 pm
sdawson says...



It includes awesome lances read it!






thank you very much that is as true as corgis are awsome.





that is also correct I proud of you




You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time