I'm trapped in a room
That's dark as black
With no doors
And windows.
I miss the sunshine
And the warm air
While it's cold as dead
In this place.
There's nowhere to run
And nowhere to hide
For I'll be forever
Stuck in this place.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is a really good poem! And it kind of related to me in a way... Well, I'm sure that it could relate to EVERYBODY; everyone feels trapped sometimes; as though there's no where to go.. and everything is just blackness.
<<< there should be a space beetween "be" and "forever," by the wayYes.
And it's written well, and is easy to understand too
Just one thing... I know it's in verses, but I don't really like the last line so much
I'd prefer it like this:
Or something. I still like it, though. Don't change it if you don't want too
Wow. Depressing poem... I like it
. I my self write many a depressing poem. Welcome to the depressing poet world...
Keep writing,
Alzora
Alright, so. What you have here is good. I feel it could be very much expanded upon. You mention missing things, but when you address something like that, it should be heart-wrenching, you know?
More emotion shining through could really make this great. More vivid vocabulary and whatnot.
We, as readers, have to be feeling along with the narrator, living it with them. We need to be able to feel the despair seeping through the words, and the hopelessness at the last line.
This is a great start, but right now it's only like a skeleton of the potential piece. Put some meat on those bones! (Lame line, I know)
There are a million different ways to add to this, but length doesn't make a good poem. You need to work on conveying the emotions so they grab the reader.
Overall, it's a nice work, a good start to a potentially incredible poem.
PM me if you have any questions.
Good job! Keep the faith and keep writing.
-Jocelyn
Hello kikialicia31,
Nice poem! But you need to add punctuation and CAPITALIZE the first letter in every sentence. It would look better and less rushed this way!
Over All: It's a really good poem, you just need to expand it a little more. Like what is the character feeling? Does she know why she is trapped there? Ask yourself other questions like that to help yourself expand
- Katherine
P.S. KatTrain your avvie scares me! But then again I'm the one with the prancing llama
Hello there!
Here to review. :3
I find this piece one-dimensional, or there's just no depth to it. Sure you're talking about the darkness and being trapped, which I think is a very cliche' theme. Anyways, there could've been easier ways of depicting it to your readers. Show don't tell.
As I can see here, it leaves me empty and uninterested at all. Maybe because of the words you're using here? I find it too simple and weak. I know there are lots of great words that you can substitute on that. And also, how can you really tell if it's darker than black? I'm just confused. Well, I think black is technically the darkest color of all colors. But about "darker than black"... nah.
You have some awkward phrasing here, my dear. And again, please try to show it more, rather than telling that you miss the warm air, and you should also let your readers feel what your speaker is feeling. Let a strong bridge connect your readers and the speaker.
The ending's too bland, especially that the first two lines of that stanza is commonly heard already. It doesn't leave me all satisfied about the poem.
So, I thin the poem lacks depth. And probably putting in some emotions would be helpful, since the speaker elaborates about darkness. Is it only the warm sunshine that your speaker misses- if not, then expand more the poem and dig deeper. It's because I couldn't feel any tint of gloominess that you're trying to imply here. Even if the poem speaks of darkness but still, there's lacking of emotional presence here.
All in all, this has potential. However, just like what I've said before, show don't tell. Give this piece some spices or a twist. Hope this helps and PM me for questions.
Keep writing,
Yuriiko
I'm trapped in a room
that's darker than black
with no doors to go out use a better verb than 'to go'. The verb you choose can help convey you poem's messege
and no windows to look out. don't use 'out' twice so close together
I miss the sunshine
And the warm air
While it's cold as dea
dth or 'the dead'in this place.
There's nowhere to run cliche
and nowhere to hidecliche
for I'll beforever stuck in this box.
Someone save me from this place...
Save me from this darkness... why can't you save yourself?
Save me some love... This seems too nonchalant. Like 'oh save me some food'
Your avi is freaking me out, btw
It's Anne Frank, right? D: