Doofus Detectives Ch 3 : Achoo Brutus?

“Is that an oil painting of a pig in a tutu dancing with drunk eagle?” Ham whispered.

Mel’s eyes were blown wide, “Yeah, I think so.” she whispered back.

Mel, Ham and Mat stood in a large hall like room, which looked like a cross between a pop art gallery, a zoo and a museum. Such was the abode of Mrs Pethic Lawrence. The room was exploding with colour and paintings and sculptures and furs and rugs and animals heads on the wall.

Mat swallowed, “Where’s Adi?” he whispered quietly, his eyes darting nervously.

“Upstairs.” Mel replied, “You know how he is; he isn’t going to be satisfied unless he’s gone over the entire study a few dozen times.”

Mrs Pethic Lawrence looked very much like a perfect Victorian wife. Except for the large poofy glittery purple fur coat. And the vivid makeup. And the goblet of Champagne. And the cigarette.

Mrs Pethic Lawrence was standing imperiously by the window, as if absolutely mesmerised by the view outside, pretending to deaf – unable to hear their murmured whispers. For she was far too important of a person to notice their existence before they approached her.

Mat tugged his collar nervously, watching warily as Mrs Pethic Lawrence took another deep sip of her goblet, “You think she’s sober?”

Ham eyed the statue of a toucan with a woman’s body, “I don’t think she’s been sober in a very long time.”

Mel bit her lip, “Well she’s the only option we have, Pethic is nowhere to be found.”

Mat winced, his eyes had started to widen in panic, “Guys, guys, guys I need to get out of here! Its too much sensory input I feel like I'm going to explode.” He whispered urgently.

Mel “Yeah I’m just gonna –“

“Are you three just going to stand there and whisper?” Drawled Mrs Pethic Lawrence, “I assure you; I did not murder my husband’s darling mother.” A hint of irritation entered her nasally obnoxious voice, she took a long dramatic drag from her cigarette.

Mel started, Mat fled, Ham flashed her a brilliant smile, “Oh no Mrs Lawrence I assure you; we don’t suspect you of the murder! Not at all, we were just discussing some – internal issues. Our colleague has just left to get something corrected. ”

Mel smiled as well, “What was her name again?” “Elizabeth.” “Of course it is, only two out of three girls in England are named Elizabeth.” “Oh, I think her personality more than makes up for it. Don’t stop smiling.” “I’m not!”

“What are you whispering about now?” Elizabeth demanded, whirling around to face the two detectives, her hands flung out theatrically.

“Oh we were just discussing your art! It’s so amazing! And unique! Poetic! Isn’t that right Ha– Tom?”

Elizabeth laughed, “Oh so it is!” Her eyes gleamed, “I am quite the connoisseur of classic artworks! Yes indeed! I have the finest – most expensive collection in all of England!” She started to move around animatedly, speaking about certain paintings and works. “This one see! Ah! Inspired by Shakespeare see this is!” She gestured towards the meerkat ballerina.

Mel’s lips twitched as she struggled to hold in laughter, Ham smiled dazzlingly, completely unperturbed, “That is wonderful, yes, Mrs Lawrence we were wondering about the night that –“

“This one is the most expensive piece in the room! The Hippo Queen! After Hippolyta’s legend!” “Mrs Lawrence the murder. That night who was in the house?” “Parrot courtesan – Oh just the servants, the Housekeeper the three maids – Ah see this one! These jewels in the statute are real! Pure gold and silver!” “The maids and?” “Real Ivory! Maids, cook, butler, ah! This llama I hunted myself!” “Cook, butler and? Elizabeth and?” “This pug too! Annoying little thing yapping all day, yap, yap! Yap! Just those, just those.”

Mrs Pethic Lawrence whirled around one last time, her sparkly purple fur coat went Whoosh! Before settling down. She gasped for breath – and took a drag of her cigarette. While Mrs Lawrence replenished her voice with champagne Ham soldiered on.

“The night of the murder there was a housekeeper, three maids, a cook and the butler yes?”

“Yes, yes quite.” Elizabeth poofed up her hair up and regained some of her composure. Her voice was imperious and her every action exaggerated and theatrical, “My collection is the most expensive in London, and I take great pains to ensure that it stays this way.”

Mel had finally managed to reign herself in, “It’s a lovely collection, could you tell us how the body was discovered?”

“It is more than a lovely collection!” Her voice was scornful, “It is the best! I struggle and fight against bidders to ensure that none have these works of mine! It is the best! The best! You cannot appreciate the true beauty of a such a work! This is historic what I’m doing here! Historic!” Mrs Elizabeth Lawrence’s voice rose to a high. She stood up abruptly, “My time is far too precious to spend on you penniless vagabonds!” she huffed, “If it is Camilla you care so about! The worthless housekeeper found her!” Elizabeth marched out. Tripped on the rug. Swayed tipsily. Marched out again.

Mel scoffed, “Guess she was drunk.”

Ham grimaced, “We need to get out of here, I think my brain is bleeding.”

Mel shuddered in agreement and they two of them stepped out of the hall away from the menagerie of monstrosities. Ham sighed, “Well that was basically useless. I don’t think any one the Lawrences are going to be much help in this investigation.”

Mel frowned thoughtfully, “Maybe not completely useless, Elizabeth does exhibit symptoms of attention-grabbing behaviour and I can’t help but feel like she suffers from a lack of regard for others feelings, like an egotist.”

Ham shrugged, running a hand through his curly hair, “I guess that checks out.” He glanced down the corridor, “You think Mat’s okay? He was looking really pale.”

“He’s always looking pale. His skins got a Wednesday complex.”

Ham chuckled, “Fair enough, he was looking paler than usual.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, he’s probably hanging around in the gardens somewhere.”

Adi emerged from the corner juggling three notebooks in his hand, “Oh, there you guys are! I’ve been looking all over!”

Ham raised his eyebrows, “Have you been taking down notes about the study?”

Adi shrugged smiling sheepishly, “Yeah.”

Mel laughed, “Dude, you have a photographic memory and we have actual photos, you don’t need to write things down!”

“I have an organised process!”

“Organised process, yeah we know, you haven’t seen Mat around by any chance have you?” Ham asked.

Adi frowned, “No why?”

Mel shrugged, “No great reason, Elizabeth was a bit too much for him.”

“Ah, too much sensory input?” Mel and Ham nodded.

Suddenly, all three of their stomachs growled, and that’s when they remembered that they had missed lunch.