I'm pretty sure this was just a short story he wrote for fun and to test some of his writing skills its not gonna be a full blown seris or anything
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Let me know what you guys think!!
THE LAST LAUGH
Emily smirked at the boy in front of her as he stuttered for the words to say. “Admit it, Evan,” she said. “You don’t know the answer to my question.”
“No,” he finally replied shamefully, hanging his head. A bony finger reached up to push his glasses farther up his nose and then dropped again.
“You’re such a nerd,” Emily said with a laugh. She and her two friends, Amy and Jessica, walked away, giggling with each other.
“I will have the last laugh,” Evan muttered to himself after they had gone. He turned to go to his class and slammed into an open locker next to him. Rubbing his face, he continued on his way.
___________________
“Get in the back, Amy,” Jessica said as she climbed into Emily’s car.
“That’s strange,” Emily said, adjusting the driver’s seat to fit her needs. “I thought I locked the car. I guess I didn’t.”
“Yeah, and all the doors were jarred,” Jessica said.
As Emily pulled out of the high school parking lot, she nonchalantly pushed in the tape that was sitting in the player. The first thing that came on was Evan’s voice.
“You have a tape with his voice on it?” Jessica said.
“No, I don’t know how it got in here,” she replied. She pressed the brake as she rounded the corner, and suddenly jerked the wheel. “Why aren’t my brakes catching?” she wondered aloud.
“You see, Emily,” the voice on the tape was saying, “I’m tired of being treated like a jerk just because I’m not like you. People are different, you know?”
“He is so weird,” Amy commented.
“You have been nothing but mean to me, and I’m tired of it,” Evan said, his voice rising, “so now I’m finishing it.”
The car was heading toward the edge of a cliff on the California coast. Emily screamed as she pressed the brake and nothing happened. The next few seconds were a blur as the car careened off the side of the cliff and plunged into the ocean waters below. Emily’s head was thrown forward, but her seatbelt held her in place, and she looked around to see if the others were okay. Jessica was not wearing a seatbelt and had hit her head on the dashboard, knocking her unconscious. Amy slowly climbed up from the backseat floor and looked around.
“What just happened?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Emily replied frantically. “We need to get out of here.” She pulled her door handle and nothing happened. She slammed her palm against the window and pushed, but again, the door didn’t open. “My door is jammed.”
“Both of these are too,” Amy told her.
Emily quickly reached over and tried the passenger door with the same result. “What’s going on?” she screamed.
Evan’s voice on the tape was still going as water began to seep into the doors as they sank. “And so, I rigged your car. My mind is a wonderful thing and can be used for many wonderful things, but since you have taunted me, I have been forced to use it in a wicked way. I suppose right now you might be in a wreck, or off the side of a cliff, as I had hoped. Maybe you’re even dead by now.”
“Amy, he’s going to kill us,” Emily said as she began to cry in fear. The car sank even farther, and they both screamed and pounded against the doors, to no avail. The last thing they heard as they completely submerged was Evan’s final words.
“And so, let it be known, that I got the last laugh.”
I'm pretty sure this was just a short story he wrote for fun and to test some of his writing skills its not gonna be a full blown seris or anything
I agree with a lot of what Saint said, I didn't feel anything for the characters at all.
I also think you relied a bit too much on dialogue here, and it didn't flow very well.
œWhy aren’t my brakes catching?†she wondered aloud.
“You see, Emily,†the voice on the tape was saying, “I’m tired of being treated like a jerk just because I’m not like you. People are different, you know?â€
“He is so weird,†Amy commented.
“You have been nothing but mean to me, and I’m tired of it,†Evan said, his voice rising, “so now I’m finishing it.â€
The car was heading toward the edge of a cliff on the California coast. Emily screamed as she pressed the brake and nothing happened. The next few seconds were a blur as the car careened off the side of the cliff and plunged into the ocean waters below. Emily’s head was thrown forward, but her seatbelt held her in place, and she looked around to see if the others were okay. Jessica was not wearing a seatbelt and had hit her head on the dashboard, knocking her unconscious. Amy slowly climbed up from the backseat floor and looked around.
Hello there! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today! ^_^
Hm. You have a nice idea here. I can tell that somewhere down there is a great writer. The only problem is, I don't care for this story!
Let me explain. This story is so short and blunt and lacking description and emotion that I really didn't feel any attachment to the characters. I mean, I know it's tragic that he killed those girls, but really, I can't emotionally involve myself in that. This story's only real flaw is the fact that there is no way to attach to the characters.
You need to flesh this story out. Gradually introduce Evan and all the girls, gradually introduce the conflict between them. Give some more exposition, more detail, more emotion. Descriptive words are your friends! They let your reader attach to the story by making the characters more realistic and more relatable.
Is that even a word?
Regardless, if there was more to this story, it'd be loads better. You definitely need to flesh out the first part, mostly.
So! Flesh out and use descriptive language! Best of luck. PM me if you have any questions. ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Points: 580
Reviews: 70
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