I'm glad it helped! It's up to you whether you tell here, but maybe a quick mention of so-and-so character's eye or hair colour - not the full description - would help the reader picture the people involved in all that action.
I'm glad it helped! It's up to you whether you tell here, but maybe a quick mention of so-and-so character's eye or hair colour - not the full description - would help the reader picture the people involved in all that action.
Hey tosh!!! Thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it. Your advice was really good, actually! I've edited it once, mainly for grammar errors and stuff, and I think I'll probably go back through it again for stuff like this. On the part about them filing into the Shrine in an orderly fashion, I fixed that on my way through this last go; I just haven't fixed it on here. On the other stuff, I completely see where you're coming from. Well, I see where you're coming from on the Shrine part, too, but you know what I mean.
Well, on the part about the description of the character's appearance, later in the story I tell, but for now I was trying to keep off of the telling phase and rely on showing. Is that wrong here?
Resurrecting an old thread.
khfan890 wrote: Kelnor had first seen them while he was perched on a hill overlooking the meadow below.
khfan890 wrote: Small horns rose from their heads; they were usually white, but the horns had been painted red as a sign of war
khfan890 wrote: The villagers had suspected that the Qatarishas would soon invade their tiny village of Lastaran in hopes of destroying them and stealing their goods and possessions, but nobody had felt the need to be on the lookout for such an invasion because they assumed the Qatarishas were not advanced enough to hurt them significantly. But Kelnor had seen them coming, and they didn’t look happy.
khfan890 wrote: All of the villagers complied with his demands and filed into the Shrine in an orderly fashion.
khfan890 wrote: She led them to the back, which nobody was guarding right now in all of the confusion. They found a ladder without much trouble and made their way to the stairs. Working together, the three of them managed to drag the ladder up three flights of stairs. Once they reached the top, Anenzier turned the doorknob, and, to her annoyance, it was locked. “Let’s use the ladder as a battering ram,” she suggested. After driving the ladder into the wooden door a few times, the wood began to crack and sag, and Anenzier was able to use her foot to smash through the rest of it. The three of them dragged the ladder through out onto the roof and lowered it to the ground. To their relief, it reached the bottom with room to spare
Thanks Jared! I have a couple of questions, though.
First, I'll list of some of the good things you had:
- Cool characters
Second, some bad things you had:
- Characters were just kinda... blah. They didn't have any real personality.
Duuuude. You barely have any critiques! Why? It was way awesome.
There is only one thing that I think you are missing. But I'll get to that in a sec. XD
First, I'll list of some of the good things you had:
- Cool characters
- Lots of action
- Plenty of suspense
Second, some bad things you had:
- Characters were just kinda... blah. They didn't have any real personality.
- No emotions.
- No reader/character attachment.
Some of those bad things are vital in stories. You must have them. You said that you've finished the novel; that's great! These are just some pointers for the editing process.
So, all in all, this was a great chapter. I'll read more if you post it! PM me if you do, okay?
-Jared
Yes this is a small portion of the book
I hate it when people tell me they wanna know more about my characters
I mean its only the first chapter?
You have a whole book to explain them?
SO those kindof comments are pointless
Also yea the word Qatarishas is a little confusing
but its very cool
If you read a book and you see a word that could be pronounced diffrent ways
It makes you think
Like you could put the book down and still be thinking
Is it pronounced this way or that way?
How many books have you read where you had to figure out a pronounciation 
I think its cool
(Btw i am the friend :D:D)
I shortened it so that three of my characters weren't even introduced. I was just editing, and it did seem a bit long to put on here.
No prob,
I think she means about their history, personality etc. I'm sure that's explained elsewhere though, so don't worry.
Thanks to both of you guys for the reviews! I realize this is a long selection and people probably don't want to take the time to read it.
This did seem a bit like Helm's Deep, if you've seen LotR, but I think you did this brilliantly.
If you added more detail on the charaters and what exactly they're facing, it will add to your storyline. Don't be afraid to use alot of details! Also, I would like to know more about your characters....
Your storyline is good, but it's a bit confusing. If you added more detail on the charaters and what exactly they're facing, it will add to your storyline. Don't be afraid to use alot of details! Also, I would like to know more about your characters....
Hiya! Nice to read some of your work, and don't worry, anything posted on here is copyrighted to the author, because it is backed up with the time it was posted. It's almost like an online patent.
Qatarishas
The moment he said this, the Qatarishas started banging on the doors
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