The Fall

This poem is a great example of the power of few words. You brought so much thought and feeling through in this short piece, and I love it. I truly believe that sometimes poetry is the best way to make an impact on somebody's life, just like the world impacted your character in this poem. I agree, it's not the outside influences that affects you the most, it's what you do with them. In this poem, it's the decision of your character to kill them self that is the landing. Maybe I'm misinterpreting it, but that's what I got from this amazing piece of writing.
~WannabeWriter112

Heyo, here for a review!

Okay, so I liked the possibilities you conceived in such a small piece. Your work was really pretty and had a bunch of meaning for consisting of just five lines.

Now, I say 'meaning' above, but what I kind of like about this poem is that there isn't any definite 'meaning' to it that I can see. It seems like the type of poem that can have a personal message for any specific reader and isn't the same message for everybody who reads it. For me, I read it as the 'fall' being a spiral downwards into depression, and the 'landing' that will be the cause of death is LITERALLY death, when the depression becomes too much (I am not depressed right now, so don't worry anybody who is reading this and getting worried).

I only noticed two grammar mistakes: On the two "its" in the last line, they should both be "it's."

Aside from that, I loved it! Keep up the great work and always keep writing!

~Braiden

Wow! What an interesting piece. I was rather taken aback that you could bring such a strong idea into such a small piece of writing, so well done. There are, however, things that can be improved upon, in my opinion.

Firstly, imagery, description. I know I'm not too good at this myself, so I'm being rather hypocritical here, but you have this really nice opening lines about the wind and the rain, but you're not igniting all my senses. You're not making me feel like I'm in that position, and I feel from what you've already written that you have the potential to do that.

Second, I personally feel that the second "waiting" in line 3 is unnecessary. It slows the poem down and interrupts the flow.

Finally, I feel like your fourth line could do with lengthening. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, which is a real shame.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this. The last line, although it's something I've heard many a time, still really made me stop and think.

Thanks!
~Kazey

Hey there. I'm Jonathan, here to review your poem. Since this is pretty short, I'll try not to be long-winded. I'll just jump right in to what I love about this. I think your cadence is great. You establish a clear voice and continue that voice throughout the rest of the piece. Excellent job-- now onto some things I think you could improve on.

Keep in mind you don't need to do any of these things! Just a few suggestions from a sleep deprived John.

Anyway. Three things. Firstly, structure. The way that you set this up made me feel a little like this was a piece of prose with line breaks inserted between sentences. I'd love to see a little more variation here, and I think it would help me visually while reading this. This is a perfectly fine format, but I'd personally rather something less evocative of prose and more of poetry. An individual preference.

Secondly, I want more imagery! The only sense being engaged is my sense of touch with that rain, and I honestly don't see why you didn't expand on it. Rain can be described using all five senses, or at least a combination of multiple. I'm getting vague feelings, but not really one picture/idea, something that-- if you added it-- could serve to keep your readers engaged in the real world before your poem ends.

And finally! Avoiding cliches. It's often hard to write poetry, especially poetry with similes, without using cliches. But I'd try to avoid some more obvious ones, especially if you not ever expand on them. "Like a cat waiting to pounce" is not only overused, but you don't elaborate on it at all. If you're going to use cliches, I would love to see a little more detail. Give me information about the scene-- this is where the description comes in. You'd be surprised to see how much of a difference it can make. Keep writing.

Jonathan

Hello, khendraaiden!

Congratulations on posting your first work. I noticed you joined today, so welcome to YWS! Let's get to the review~

The wind pulls me forward, asking me to jump.

The perfect time to jump and land,

because its not the fall that will kill me, its the landing

Heya, Khendraaidan!(Nice username, very original) Casanova here to review!
The first thing I noticed in this poem was it's not the average poem. You describe what you want to describe, yet I'm still sitting here wondering what else there is. I mean, that can be a good thing, but I feel as if you could have added more? That's not in any way trying to insult your poem, I like it, just a personal preference of mine I guess. I mean, I don't think I've written a pom under 16 lines so I'm not a expert on getting your point across in a little space.
The next thing I noticed was in line two. "The rain drops are hammers, beating my face, my neck, my shoulders." The only part that technically should be changed is adding an,"and," before,"My shoulders."
But, in my opinion, switching the line to,"The rain drops are hammers that beat at my face, my neck, and my shoulders." Makes it sound better and gives it good imagery. In my personal opinion, that is.
The next thing is the fourth line. "The perfect tome to jump and land." Compared to the other lines, this is short and doesn't flow well with it's previous lines which are longer. I can't tell you how to correct this- It is just a personal opinion and as a fellow poet I cannot compare style.
In any case I do really like this poem, and I wish to see more from you.
I'll be watching.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Hi you..! Shakthi is here for a review..!!!

To begin with, your work is something different. Your theme is unique. It's like an Haiku. Your work is awesome overall. But, my suggestion is that you can make your words rhyme. It can add up to the pleasure of the reader. In the third line of your poem, i think the second "waiting" is unnecessary. "I'm waiting waiting like a cat to pounce, " might work even better.

And, in the last line use ' in "it's" instead of "its"...

And "it's not the fall that will kill me, it's the landing.." it makes me think the other way round... I love that line so much...

And your work is really awesome. Keep up your good work.

Happy Writing..!