E - Everyone

Start of book. Comments lots.

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Please leave as many comments as you can, I am open to anything. Thank you! Its the start of a book I would like to go far with.

Chapter 1 Tommy

Kids flooded the place as the first day of freshman high school began in my small town of Libby, Montana. Two middle schools blended together in this high school so half the kids, I didn't even know. Everyone I met was either very thrilled to be starting high school, or they were scared out of their mind considering the fact that we were, yet again at the bottom of the age group. My name is Tommy Wasterfield. Being a very observing person, I examined the expressions of hatred as the eyes of the sophomore and above gazed over us. My two best friends, Harry and Henry (otherwise known as H and H) were not here and I was starting to get nervous they wouldn't show. The time on my silver watch lined around the edges with fake gold. The hands within were a pitch black that sort of sparkled or glimmered in the sunlight. The roman numerals around the edge within read 7:58 AM. They had but two minutes to show up or else they would be late to their very first class as a high schooler. Just when I was letting myself be down about this, a white, brand new, minivan comes pulled up to the side walk just below the steps to the front entrance to the building in which people were now entering. H and H both step out of the car almost simultaneously, for they are identical twins. I often tease them about always doing the same thing. Both were somewhat on the shorter side with dirty blonde hair which was long enough that it covered the very top of their eyes. They both had the same simple type of clothing: stripes on top and jeans on bottom. As they stepped toward me their eyes lit up with joy, as well as mine. I honestly don't think I could make it through today without them. Through the car window I could just make out their mom waving, but stopped when she realized that they weren't paying attention.

“How’s it going?” questioned Harry.

“Long times no see, am I right?” exclaimed Henry since he was often one for sarcasm, for we had hung out the day before.

“I'm nervous.”

“You shouldn't be because you get straight A's, the teachers adore you, which makes you goodie goodie. So you have nothing to worry about,” assured Henry making me feel a tad better.

“We're the ones who should be worried.”

Agreed! They were never liked by the teacher since they were twins, and often goofed around a lot. They are C average students and they were often picked on by other kids because of how short they were to some of the other kids in our grade. They are very into girls, always having a big crush on one or two people each. Rarely would they ever have the same crush, but when they did, arguments would break loose between them and once they started, there was no way to stop them. I am saving myself for Amanda. She has the prettiest black hair and blue eyes and ever since she saved me from those mean- jock kids a lunch when they tried to take my food I’ve been in love with her. They often do this thing where both will be absolutely silent, without looking at each other, and all of a sudden just start laughing. It always made me feel very awkward.

The building we were just about to enter had a big arch way hovering above the doors, which was a dark, stained wood and had one long brass handle that reached from about one fourth the way up to about one fourth the way down. The handles had a cold touch even after all the sweaty and hot hands touched it on their way in. Tall, flat ceiling loomed over your head with rectangular white lights placed in. The walls were a pure white coat with a rough texture that was starting to chip. The hallways looked like they went on for miles, with orange lockers lining them. Simple wooden doors to classrooms separated each section of lockers. Names of the many teachers and room numbers were printed on a plaque above them. When I looked around all new kids were gazing around with great curiosity. During the summer you had signed up for the classes you wanted and in the middle of the hallway was one long table that two staff members sat at giving the kids (as well as the elder kids) their schedule for this semester. When I finally reached the table they asked me my name. A few seconds after I replied they found the schedule for me. H and H followed close behind, also stating their names and being given their slip to the future. When I looked down at the clean piece of paper that was smooth to the touch, I skimmed over the black print laid down the page. Algebra 2nd period, one was the subject I first noticed probably because that is what I specialize in. Orchestra was another one of my favorite classes. I play the cello. It’s amazing how you can put different instruments together to create a wonderful piece of sound and music. I also glanced at period five on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays because it was Physical education. Ever since the last year of eighth grade when I was changing out in the stall because I was, and still am uncomfortable with my body, kids jumped up onto the top edge of the stall just enough so they were hanging when they took a picture of me changing and posted it on the internet, aka Instagram, and everyone in our whole school is friends with each other on Instagram. After the constant teasing for a few months they finally got over it, but I didn't. Someday I would exact revenge at all whole laughed and made fun of me. They would all know what it feels like to have pain.

One more thing you need to know about me, I can control the South and North pole in my hands. Which mean I can push, pull, or lift any metal object at great speeds whenever I desire.

Chapter 2 Morgan

Looking around I spotted the kids I know and the kids I have yet to meet. It was the perfect time to go to a new school because I had practically dated all the boys at my old school and I was getting bored. All my friends were in a little huttle in the courtyard of the school talking about what classes they want and all the cute boys older than us. After a few minutes I was getting bored and noticed the girl she had humiliated in the middle of class when the teacher was telling what to eat and what not to eat to maintain a healthful weight. While she was talking I blurted aloud to the girl sitting next to me, who was drawing, that she should really pay attention since she needed the advice. The teacher didn't even care since she agreed with me. The girl looked up and had this ashamed, red look on her face as the whole class gave a few chuckles. To this day it still makes me thrilled to think about the event. I could relive it every day and feel good about. I love being the center of attention, and I would do just about anything to be in the spotlight. I never took the time to figure out her name, what a waste. She was just sitting in the corner of one of the doors, looking around and dreaming that she could be one us, to actually fit in. “Morgan, get in the selfie!” bossed Crissie. “I'm comin, wait for me,” I stated and I made my way to the front of the camera placed in the phone. I pushed the poof y curls onto my shoulder as I looked into the camera while making a kissing face. When Crissie took her pink Iphone back to her face she left a caption for the picture that stated “First day of high school.” In the photo I wore neon pink sun glasses right under my newly plucked eyebrows. My hair is a light blonde. Ripped style short shorts were tight against my waist with a skinny strap tank hanging from my shoulders and going down a little past the top of my shorts. When I noticed the other kids strutting inside I signaled my three friends Ashley, Crissie, and Betty to go in by flinging my arm toward me while walked backwards to the building until they caught up.

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Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:57 pm

Hi there!

She has the prettiest black hair and blue eyes and ever since she saved me from those mean- jock kids a lunch when they tried to take my food I’ve been in love with her. They often do this thing where both will be absolutely silent, without looking at each other, and all of a sudden just start laughing. It always made me feel very awkward.

Sorry to take such a huge chunk out like this. There's no transition between these two sentences. They don't even make sense together like this. I think that's because you left out something. Here you're talking about Amanda and then all of the sudden you say "They often do this thing where". Who is they "they" you're talking about? You might want to throw a name in there so we'll know who you're talking about exactly.

One more thing you need to know about me, I can control the South and North pole in my hands. Which mean I can push, pull, or lift any metal object at great speeds whenever I desire.

Whoa there, you're just gonna throw that at us like that? That's something major there! Slow it down a bit. This information would've been a bit easier to digest if it was spread over a larger amount of time. Not like, a long huge time, but at least something more than a few sentences. One thing with fantasy and sci-fi novels is that someone with powers is common. It's nice to be told that someone has powers, so we'll know, but it would be better to see that they have powers. Maybe there's a piece of metal somewhere that Tommy needs to move. That would be a nice scene to show us his powers. I just feel like it's all too in my face with Tommy just telling us. It's a little overwhelming.

You've got some big paragraphs here. I know that Raven and Wolf already mentioned it, but I'm going to add in my two cents here. Big paragraphs are indeed discouraging for the reader. I had to use my finger to follow along while reading 'cause I kept losing my spot. It would really be quite helpful to your readers, as well as yourself, to break up those paragraphs into smaller ones. Some good times to create a new paragraph are when someone new speaks and when there's a change in description. Okay, let's move on from that.

So you've got a good introduction here. You've done a good job showing us who the characters are and what their lives are like. We also get a good look at the setting. Right now they're just at the school so there isn't much that we get to see.

Your descriptions of the school are great. I like the details you put into it. Not only was the doorknob cold, but it was cold despite all of the other kids who'd touched it before him (ick). You describe the ceilings and the walls. You also tell us how exactly everyone gets their schedules and such on the first day. Good job with that.

So overall I like this chapter. Well, these two chapters since it seems to be two of them. You give us a lot of information, which is nice. I feel like I definitely know enough to go into the next chapter without being confused or wanting for answers.

Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'll gladly come back and read it :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review · Fri Jun 20, 2014 3:08 am

Hey,

Raven here to do a quick review!

Thoughts over all

Woah, big first paragraph, dude(tte). Very discouraging to the reader, it actually off-putting for me the first couple of times I tried reading this. But, I love your descriptions. Just, try and break up that paragraph.

You mention the characters first name within the first part, even though you didn't take the "Hello my name is [insert cool name here] I am [so and so,] and this is my story." The way you introduced the story was... very off putting. I would have Tommy talking to his friends, and one of them mentions his name. Then you have a teacher call on him. "Mr. Wasterfield, solve this math/english/geography promblem." We'd find out his name without you telling us.


The dialogue after that is... odd to read. It's hard to keep track of who is talking. Maybe "I'm nervous." My fingers were twiddling, I was shifting the weight on my feet frequently."
Add some action tags as well!

Make quirky things about characters' speech, in some TV shows like, Batman, they have Robin say "Holy Joker, Batman!" Or "Holy bannas! Batman!" So, if the TV show gets turned into a book (I don't think it will, but a girl can dream) we won't have to worry about, "Holy oatmeal, Batman!" Robin exclaimed. It'll just be the speech part.

Last part of chapter one.

Tommy just happens to be able to control North and South pole? Wouldn't that be a key point of the story? Or a small sub-plot.

Chapter two.

I liked it for the most part. Just separate it into paragraphs!

Keep on typing,

Raven,

User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hello kheda, Wolf here for a review.

Before I even start reading this, I do want to mention your paragraphs. You have so many mega paragraphs. I mean, just wow. Whenever topic is changed in a paragraph, a new one should be started. So look through all of them, and find good breaking points (trust me they're there.)

Alright, first off nitpicks:

Two middle schools blended together in this high school so half the kids, I didn't even know.

A huge problem I notice are the misplacing of commas or missing commas. So, I've created a spiel to give in this particular situation, and please don't think I'm downgrading you in anyway. This is merely to help you remember where commas are needed (trust me, I forget a lot too!) Not all of these may apply to this pice particularly, but in other cases, this may be nice to know.

Where to place:
1.) After a dependent clause.
So, you probably know that a dependent clause is a phrase or part of a sentence that cannot stand alone. Just remember that when hooking a dependent clause onto an independent clause, you need a comma, but only if the dependent clause goes before the independent. Otherwise, no comma is needed.
EX: When I woke up this morning[,] I brushed my teeth.
...but if it was...
I brushed my teeth when I woke up this morning.
...no comma is needed. Get it?

2.) In a compound sentence.
Again, you probably know what a compound sentence is, but for anycase, it's two sentences joined by a conjucntions and a comma. I notice quite a few of these in this piece. You'll have a nice connected, flowing compound sentence, with the conjunction and everything, but the comma is forgotten. Remeber to always have a comma before that conjunction joining the two sentences.
EX: I like to listen to music[,] and I will clean dishes while I do so.
That's a pretty self-explanatory one.

Alright, enough if that (so very sorry, I become really passionate about comma misusage.) On to content!

I really like this realistic approach you have going on here, to be honest I don't see very many of those here, or well anywhere. I'm sure there's a lot out there, but I'm more of a fantasy type person. I can see your characters developing already, and I like the way you show Morgan as that stereotypical 'popular girl'.

One thing you should watch out for is information dumping. Sorry to say, but it's done here a little bit. For example: We are straight out told Tommy's name in the beginning. Now that's no fun. Also we're told about his powers. What!? That's no fair. Show us, don't tell us. That's it the most important part about writing. Be careful for that! Otherwise, I liked your beginning. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare



i think. i want to become. something.
— chrysanthemumcentury