Mistaken Vendetta Chapter 2

kevinxd18 wrote:title is subject to change (title and chapter)


tell me what you think
review me without holding back




Chapter 2 – rain drops


I distinctly heard the sound of rain drops; that’s what I first became aware of. I, however was not cold or wet as far as I could tell. I was sure that I couldn’t even feel anything. I was in some black void drifting along with my thoughts. Was I alive? I tried to open my eyes, but saw black. Was I even anything anymore? Was I still apart of this Earth, of this world? Was this my afterlife? No surely not, because I’d be in hell, not here, wherever this is. Then I heard a sound. It sounded much like a woman’s voice, but with a definite steel edge to it. It was distorted, like an echo. I desperately tried to understand what she was saying. The woman was screaming it seemed like. But, who was she screaming at and why? Her voice became louder and louder. I began to understand what she was screaming. “Why did you try to kill me!?” she screamed. My head was spinning. “Why did you try to kill me!?!?!? WHY!!” A jolt of pain went through me; I couldn’t tell where on my body it was. Everything went black again.

It was hot. Unusually, painstakingly hot. This was hell, no doubts about it. I was melting. Parts of me were dripping and falling. The heat was soothing though, a constant; it continued; didn’t let off didn’t change, it was nice to just lay there and rest.

But why? Why me? Why now? She couldn’t have just left me here. She couldn’t have. It was impossible; yes, impossible. I tried opening my eyes or rather, what was left of my swiftly melting eyes.

Fire. It was everywhere. Oranges, yellows, reds were displayed violently in sight. It was beautiful though, seeing the colors swaying and cackling together, almost as if they were have a silly quarrel, almost as beautiful as… I have to get out, have to explain to her exactly what happened, have to make her believe it wasn’t me.

I tried standing. It resulted horribly. So I decided I had to crawl. The floor was hard beneath me. It was getting hard to breath; too much smoke. I stayed as close to the ground as I possibly could. Inch by inch I crawled, avoiding the ever increasing inferno around me. I had no idea how to get out, but that didn’t matter. I had to find her. I saw blackness. I thought it was another blackout coming on, but cold wet air hit my face. I kept crawling till I was far from the fire. I couldn’t catch my breath. Rain hit my face. I saw headlights in the distance. My eyes closed against my will and the blackness greeted me once again.

Hey still enjoying these! I did like imagery of hell, it was very descriptive and works well. Helped me to envisage the situation that the protagonist is in. Very well done!

However, as I said in Chapt 1. You do seem to start a lot of sentences with "I" and then follow it up with another one beginning with "I". I believe that variety may be required to help it read a lot better!

Hey, I'm here to critique again!

I distinctly heard the sound of rain drops; that’s what I first became aware of. I, however, was not cold or wet as far as I could tell. I was sure that I couldn’t even feel anything. I was in some black void drifting along with my thoughts. Was I alive? I tried to open my eyes, but all I saw was black.

*Was I even anything anymore? Was I still apart of this Earth, of this world? Was this my afterlife? No surely not, because I’d be in hell, not here, wherever this is. Then I heard a sound. It sounded much like a woman’s voice, but with a definite steel edge to it. It was distorted, like an echo.

*I desperately tried to understand what she was saying. The woman was screaming it seemed like. But, who was she screaming at and why? Her voice became louder and louder. I began to understand what she was screaming.

*“Why did you try to kill me!?” she screamed. My head was spinning. “Why did you try to kill me!?!?!? WHY!!” A jolt of pain went through me; I couldn’t tell where on my body it was. Everything went black again. Here you only need one exclamation point or question mark. And you also don't need all caps words either.

It was hot. Unusually, painstakingly hot. This was hell, no doubts about it. I was melting. Parts of me were dripping and falling. The heat was soothing though, a constant; it continued; didn’t let off didn’t change, it was nice to just lay there and rest. This is confusing. If he is melting, wouldn't he be screaming in pain?

But why? Why me? Why now? She couldn’t have just left me here. She couldn’t have. It was impossible; yes, it was impossible. I tried opening my eyes, or rather, what was left of my swiftly melting eyes.

Fire. It was everywhere. Oranges, yellows, reds were displayed violently in sight. It was beautiful though, seeing the colors swaying and cackling together, almost as if they were have a silly quarrel, almost as beautiful as- I have to get out, have to explain to her exactly what happened, have to make her believe it wasn’t me.

I tried standing. It resulted horribly. So I decided I had to crawl. The floor was hard beneath me. It was getting hard to breath; too much smoke. I stayed as close to the ground as I possibly could. Inch by inch I crawled, avoiding the ever increasing inferno around me.

*I had no idea how to get out, but that didn’t matter. I had to find her. I saw blackness. I thought it was another blackout coming on, but cold wet air hit my face. I kept crawling till I was far from the fire. I couldn’t catch my breath. Rain hit my face. I saw headlights in the distance. My eyes closed against my will and the blackness greeted me once again.

*The paragraph was too large so I broke it up where I thought it would work.

Hope this helps!

PM me when the next chapter comes out!

MJ