z

Young Writers Society



Prolouge

by kestralspace


Here's the prologue of my new book...It's short but still! Please be critical! :)

I suppose I should have always known that it would come to this. There was always something about him that suggested I would end up dying for him. Dying alone, bound to a bedpost on a quiet night.

My finger moved slightly on its own accord, curling itself around the trigger of the musket, but I mentally stopped myself. Before I died for him, I would remember; otherwise I might not have the courage to warn him, to warn him with my death.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
4237 Reviews


Points: 293881
Reviews: 4237

Donate
Sat Oct 22, 2022 6:14 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I suppose I should have always known that it would come to this. There was always something about him that suggested I would end up dying for him. Dying alone, bound to a bedpost on a quiet night.

My finger moved slightly on its own accord, curling itself around the trigger of the musket, but I mentally stopped myself. Before I died for him, I would remember; otherwise I might not have the courage to warn him, to warn him with my death.


Hmm well as far as prologues go, this one really is on the smaller end of the spectrum here. You've really tried to minimize how much words you end up using here. And I feel like as a result you haven't quite captured enough here. Prologues can work even being this small, but this one does not seem to be one of those rare times that works.

Besides this feeling a bit incomplete though, you do actually have a pretty intriguing setup here. There's definitely more than enough in this scene already to have you sitting up and taking notice. So...it certainly has all the ingredients you need for this to be a successful prologue, in fact even as it currently stands I'd probably turn those pages and read the rest of the story. You do have a pretty compelling case here. So...I think you've got a solid foundation in place one that's already almost effective as it is. You just need to build on this a little more, add just a tiny bit more detail. Of course you don't anymore context, this is the perfect amount, its just missing a bit of detail here and there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar


Points: 1114
Reviews: 1

Donate
Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:28 pm
bbqueen says...



Wow!! Great start. But I suggest that you make longer. Maybe 100 words




User avatar
94 Reviews


Points: 5588
Reviews: 94

Donate
Tue Mar 17, 2009 8:47 pm
Eliza:) wrote a review...



It is okay, but it really doesn't make sense. Someone knows they're going to die, but they have to wait, yet they have to warn him with her death so she's going to die anyway?

It is also too short. There are ways to make a prologue longer, even if you don't want to describe a lot.

Other than that, it's okay.




User avatar
127 Reviews


Points: 4299
Reviews: 127

Donate
Mon Mar 16, 2009 1:04 am
Incognito wrote a review...



Wow, this does sound quite intersting. It is hard to be critical with such a short piece but I will try.

There was always something about him that suggested I would end up dying for him. Dying alone, bound to a bedpost on a quiet night.


I would not have that second sentence indeed phrased like that. I personally would like it better if it was phrased more to give a bit of an insight other that the one you gave. Here is how I would put it:

There was always something about him that suggested I would end up dying for him. But dying alone, bound to a bedpost on a quiet night? I would never have thought that this truly was how it would turn out in the end.

I have not actually read the poem so if this does not match then I understand. But personally I do not see how a person could imagine themselves dying, bound to a bed post. That is my own oppinion.

My finger moved slightly on its own accord, curling itself around the trigger of the musket, but I mentally stopped myself.


The only thing I have a bit of confusion on is how does she have a musket pointed towards somewhere which would kill herself with one bullet, while bound to a bed? My thought of bound to a bed may be different that is what it is supposed to be, but you may want to clear that up also.

This is a really good prologue. My comments were just simple ideas that popped into my mind while reading it. It may not even effect it much. I did enjoy it quite. It was basic and simple. It surely catches the readers attention and I know that it will make the reader want to read more because at this moment I have such a desire to read the actual story.

Mind, when you have the next part written, do you mind sending me a notification to read it? I would love to take a look at it.

~Incognito




User avatar
135 Reviews


Points: 6280
Reviews: 135

Donate
Sun Mar 15, 2009 11:38 pm
ballerina13 wrote a review...



Your prologue sounds interesting, but it is so short. Still, it grabs hold of the reader. I loved the ending. My few suggestions are to describe things more, the room she is in, what the characters look like, where the setting is. Things of that sort. This was intriguing. You just might have something here. *Gold Star*




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 37

Donate
Sun Mar 15, 2009 10:00 pm
Winter's Twelfth Night wrote a review...



Hello kestralspace! I am Winter, and I shall review your prologue today!

I love The Highwayman! It's one of my favorite poems. Well, your prologue is so short... there's really not much to critique. I don't see any major grammatical, spelling, or punctuation errors. The only suggestion that I have for you is to make this longer. I know it seems hard, but really you could just add some detail for length. You could describe how she knew that she would end up dying for him. Or you could describe the eeriness of the night sky, or whatever. Describe the bedpost that she is bound to. Is it intricately carved? Plain and simple?

My favorite part was the ending. What an excellent way to finish your prologue. Whatever you change, I suggest that you keep the ending. It made me want to read on.

Well done!
-Winter





Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief