Published January 16, 2009
I wrote this a-while ago and I want to hear your thoughts, Im writing a novel at the moment, so Im only posting up poems... this one is featured in my book.
Something deep inside of me.
Unlocks my heart and sets me free
It lets my fear wander far.
Not into light but into dark.
From the ebony night sky I come alive
Screaming, thrashing, burning.
This cursed side of me I hate so bad.
For me in this state is sad.
But my fate is clearly sealed.
Until I find the cure to this peril;
To heal the darkness of the loathing night.
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Alright, well first off I find it a very interesting poem. However, I think it might've been a little easier to read if you had done stanza's. Also, words like 'bad' and 'sad' kind of kill the essence and potency of the poem. But overall, it was very well written.
Hey kerryannuhh, and welcome to YWS. I'm here to review your poem, but first I want to tell you that the first rule here is to have 2 reviews done for every piece you post. I suggest reading all the Rules.
) and bad/sad. But the rest of the poem doesn't...and that's a problem. It should either have a defined rhyme structure, or none at all.
Okay, review time!
First of all, the punctuation in this poem is a bit weird. You use a period when it's really not necessary and sometimes incorrect, like in your first line. A good tip I found in this article is to treat each line like a normal sentence. So because your first sentence is actually the first two lines, your period should be at the end of the second line, not the first.
Now, the rhyme. I'm not sure whether you meant this poem to rhyme or not, because of *gasp!* inconsistent rhyming. Your first two lines rhyme, as well as far/dark (kind of
Finally, the actual content. I think your words are lovely! Great job. And I like the way you have an idea that countless others have done before (the darkness, sadness, etc.) but you presented it in a new way. Sorry, no suggestions here.
Hope this review helped you! Again, welcome to the site, and don't hesitate to PM me if you need anything.
Okay so heres your review:
Diction:
Try not to use words like bad and sad in poetry. I know that this would be easiest and it would even ryhme, but it isn't good. I would suggest that you use different words and substitute them for bad and sad. Those lines sound like you forced them to rhyme, and you don't want to do that. It should be easy to fix, not that big of a mistake.
Grammar:
I couldn't find any mistakes in your grammar. Well major ones anyways. So you're good in that department.
Was it interesting:
It was okay. You used imagery and metaphors and that spiced the poem up. Interesting lines. At some points I had to make myself pay attention (but that may be my ADD)
Overall:
It only needs a little editing. The last line is a little wordy and you might want to shorten it up. This is some good poetry for your age by the way. I have to say that I am a little impressed. Well, good luck, and remember, practice makes perfect.
~Alyss