just a story i'm working on chap 2!

Note: this story has kind of been inspired by the Jonas Brothers. some of the vocabulary might seem a bit coarse as well... I hope its not too bad but i did rate it. there will be some spelling errors and stuff to and I will get around to fixing them up at some stage. I know there is some boring bits too and I will replace them as soon as i get some awesome ideas rushing through my brain

Chapter 2:

The big tour bus pulled up out side of the Honda Centre in Los Angeles California. Matthew, Jake and Sebastian sat in their seats nervously awaiting the crowd gathered outside. Hundreds of screaming fans, mostly who were teenage girls, pushed and shoved their way to the front of the crowd, to be the first to see the brothers walk off the bus.

“Got your bullet proof clothing on?” Sebastian asked the other two. Jake looked at him with a raised eyebrow and looked out the window at the sea of faces. His green eyes sparkled with anticipation and excitement for the up and coming concert.

“Hey, I’m being serious! Some of those girls are pretty lethal! And I for one don’t want to get torn to pieces by long fingernails!” Sebastian said explaining his reason for the bulletproof clothing.

“It’s true Jake those girls just latch on, it’s like trying to shake off a leach!” Matthew said, shuddering at the flash back he saw in his mind of the crazy girls grabbing anything that was in their arms reach of him.

“You’s are just wimps, need a man up a bit I’d say,” Jake said sarcastically. Outside the crowd was getting impatient, the cheers and screams got louder. They soon started chanting “Kristoff, Kristoff, Kristof,” in time with clapping of hands.

“Come on we’d better get out there,” Jake said. He stood to leave and was followed by his brothers. Before he opened the door he fluffed up his hair and straightened his shirt then opened the door and stepped out into a sea of fans.

The crowd was in an uproar when they saw the boys’. All that was heard was the screaming of Jakes, Matthews or Sebastian's names mixed together into a deafening racket. Even though the concert didn’t start for another two and a half hours, hundreds of people had turned up just to see the arrival of the Kristoff Brothers.

Pens and markers were thrust into their hands to sign their autographs on posters, clothing, books and even bare skin. Camera’s flashed and phones clicked as nearly every single person tried to get the best picture.

A girl aged about sixteen jumped the metal pipe barrier and onto the pathway which the boys’ were walking up. She ran at Jake with a camera in her hand.

“Oh no.” he mumbled to himself as the girl came sprinting at him. He put on a big smile and got ready to call the bodyguard. The girl saw what he was going to do though, so upped her speed. Before he could get of the way, the girl accidentally ran into Jake and knocked him flat onto the concrete path, hitting his head hard on the concrete when he fell.

The crowd went quiet and muttered to each other about the situation, not knowing what to do. Sebastian and Matthew crouched over Jake, who was lying at their feet unconscious. A little pool of blood gathered around the back of his head. He groaned and turned a deathly shade of white.

For miles around him, Jake could see rolling hills, smeared with clusters of native trees, that faded into a green haze in the distance. Lush, velvety grass, which Sheep and cattle grazed upon, swayed gently in the breeze. Below him, at the foot of the great hill he was standing on, was a crystal clear, blue/green river. It ran calm and smooth and disappeared around a bend and out of sight. In the tops of native trees birds of various species sang their peaceful songs to each other. Ahead of him in the distance, under the boughs of a tall Miro tree stood a lone figure leaning with their shoulder against the trunk. All that Jake could make out of this person was that it had long black hair that reached half way down her back, which presumably told him that this person was a girl. She had tanned olive skin, and stood tall and strong. He walked forward towards her, but she walked off ahead of him. The faster he walked the further out of reach she got. When he reached the tree, the girl was out in the open standing on a shelf of rock, over looking the view of the hills and bush all around, but still turned with her back to him. He watched as the figurine became transparent and slowly dissolved in to the air.

“Jake! Are you alright,” cried Matthew.

“Of course he’s not alright Mat,” Sebastian snapped. “God look at all the blood!”

“Call an ambulance and we’ll get him back on the bus, away from eyes,” said Bob their bodyguard. He took control of the situation and got Sebastian and Matthew back on their toes.

The two boys got up off the ground and came face to face with the girl caused the whole drama.

“You stupid little skank!” Matthew spluttered at the girl. “Look what you’ve just done! I’m sick to death of all this shit, why do people have to be so obsessive?” The more he said, the more he got worked up.

The girls burst into tears; speechless she just stood on the spot crying.

“I don’t know what you’re bawling for! It’s not as if you are the one that’s lying on the ground with blood pissing out of your head! I hope you rot in hell ya little slut!” Matthew lost his control of his temper and raised his hand to the girl. Sebastian grabbed him by the sleeve of his shirt and yanked him back.

“What the hell were you gonna do?”

“Knock her to the ground, so she knows what its like to be out cold!”

“You better cut it out Mat, the whole publics watching do you want to go to jail, for losing your temper in front of everyone, and hitting a girl, while Jakes still lying on the ground right here? Help Bob carry him into the bus and I’ll call the ambulance and the police okay.”

Matthew shoved Sebastian's hands off him and gave the girl a look that would kill. The expression on his face said exactly what he felt about her. He was filled with rage and was ready to boil over.

“Come on, Mat, give me a hand,” said Bob.

“Whatever.” Matthew spun around and cradled him in his arms. Despite his size Matthew was strong, and filled with adrenaline, he managed to carry a limp Jake up the steps and into the bus on his own.

After calling the emergency line and requesting an ambulance and then calling the police, Sebastian took control of the other situation- the fans and the concert. The crowd was absolutely furious with the girl who smacked into Jake, and they weren’t too happy to find out that the concert would be cancelled until further notice.

“I’m sorry everyone, but the concert has been cancelled. Just letting you all know that Jake will be fine but he is going to hospital just to be on the safe side,” Sebastian addressed the crowd in a formal matter, which seemed to calm down them a bit.

“What’s gonna happen to the girl that crashed into him?” someone called from the crowd.

“She’s gone to the nearest police department, and will deal with us through our lawyers. We’re very guys, but you will get a full refund on your tickets if you sell them back to the company you bought them from.”

The crowd seemed satisfied with this proposal and started departing from the venue.

Back inside the bus a medic was examining Jake. Matthew anxiously stood nearby. The scene was grim when Sebastian walked in, but the medic seemed hopeful.

“Right, well I’ll put him on a stretcher, and get him into the ambulance, so we can get his head x-rayed.”

Matthew’s eyes opened wide in shock, he didn’t realise it would be this serious.

“X-rays! He won’t be brain damaged will he sir?” Matthew asked desperately.

The medic gave him a reassuring smile.

“I hope not, lad, but he hasn’t roused yet, and we don’t want to take any chances.”

As if on queue Jake groaned and his eyelids flickered open. He was still as pale as a ghost but the colour was slowly coming back to his skin.

“Jake! Are you awake?” Matthew was at his side in a flash.

“Awww, I feel sick,” Jake mumbled

“You’ll be right soon, we’ll get you the hospital real quick.” The medic assured him. “Do you think you’ll be able to stand or do we need a get u a stretcher?”

Jake sat up weakly and the colour quickly drained away from his cheeks.

“Ow, my head hurts.” He felt the back of his head where it throbbed the most and felt a sticky dampness on his fingertips. He looked at the blood on his fingers and just about vomited.

“What happened?”

Matthew looked at him sincerely, which caused Jake frown.

“What happened!” he demanded.

“Do you not remember anything?” Sebastian asked.

“No, the last thing I remember was talking to you guys in here. Now tell me what happened please.”

“You were smacked over onto the concrete outside, you hit your head on the ground and got knocked out cold for ‘bout ten minutes,” Sebastian explained.

“Well that explains why my head hurts so much! Who knocked me over?”

“Umm this ditsy blonde. She was running full tilt at you just so she could get a picture, and you kind a just stood there on spot. Didn’t even bother to side step out of the way.” Matthew told him shacking his head.

“A girl, ae? Was she hot?” Jake grinned and asked. He always seemed to be able to make a joke even during the most critical of moments.

“No little brother, she was ugly as, looked like she should have been a sister to a wrestler, y’no the type, big and butch,” Sebastian joked. It wasn’t true though. The girls name was Chessie and Sebastian thought she was quite pretty. Her apologies were sincere and she seemed really nice. He was sorry to her being taken away in a police car, but what she did would be unforgivable for Matthew and Jake, so he knew he could never see her again.

“Well come on, Jake, we’ve gotta get you to the hospital.” The medic went to give him a hand to stand up, but he pushed him away. Gingerly he stood, everything around him seemed to be spinning and couldn’t get his eyes to focus. He stumbled back in weakness, and leant against the counter to steady himself, and wait for the throbbing in the back of his head to ease. Matthew took him by arm and draped it across his shoulders.

“Thanks,” Jake whispered. Matthew smiled and helped him down the steps and into the back of the ambulance.

After waiting for about two hours, the doctor finally appeared around the curtain and came striding into the cubical, holding a clipboard under his arm.

“Well Jake, there’s not too much damage. The cut is the worst, but other than that you’ve just going to have a pretty nasty headache for the next couple of days. Now I’ve stitched up the cut with three internal stitches. So you won’t have to worry about getting them taken out,” Doctor Whickem explained to him. “Do you have any questions?”

Jake felt the lump at the back of his and shuddered, when a pulse of pain shocked through his head.

“Um, just one. When will I be able to perform again?”

“Normally, if you hadn’t suffered from such serious concussion within a week but because your case is fairly critical you mustn’t perform for at least three weeks.”

“Three weeks!” Jake exclaimed, jumping off the white hospital bed. Suddenly the room started spinning and he felt sick. The colour drained away from his skin.

“Are you alright, Jake,” Matthew asked. He looked at critically and then turned to Doctor Whickem for an explanation.

“I’m fine just a bit dizzy is all.” Jake leant on the bed for support.

“Don’t worry guys, he’s suffering form the side affects from all the antibiotics that were pumped into him, and he will still be very weak from when he was unconscious. He’ll be fine after a good rest,” said Doctor Whickem reassuringly.

“Can we go now?” Jake asked. He was getting impatient. He hated being at the hospital, usually when he went to one it was because something bad had happened.

“Yes, we can go. Aunt Sarah has just arrived; she’s down in the parking lot now. Thanks for everything Doc,” said Sebastian.

“Yeah thanks,” Jake thanked him and was on his way out the door before anybody could stop him. His two brothers followed behind and checked out of the hospital.

Their aunt Sarah, who was the boys’ father’s sister, was parked out side the main entrance of the emergency centre. When she saw the boys coming through the automatic doors she got out her car and rushed over to greet them.

“Jake’y’!” she cried and enveloped him in a warm, comforting hug. “Are you alright?”

“Hey, aunt Sarah, yes I’m, just a bit of a bump to the head is all.”

Sarah stood back with her hands on each of his shoulders and smiled up at him.

“If you say so, but you’re just like your father, you know that?” she turned to the other two boys and hugged them. Jake frowned behind her back and thought to himself that’s a bit double Dutch, saying I’m just like my father, when you don’t even know him.

“Right, should we get going then. Your parents are on their way. They caught the next available flight. So they should be at home later on tonight.

After about an hour of mucking around, getting the boys luggage and fighting off reporters, back at the concert venue, Sarah pulled out onto the main highway and joined the long stream of traffic heading south from Los Angeles. Matthew who was sitting in the front seat chatted enthusiastically to Sarah, about the tour and what he’d been getting up to in his spear time. Jake and Sebastian stretched out in the back and slept listing to the beat of their I-Pods.

The trip to San Diego took about 2 hours. By the time Sarah pulled into the driveway of her house it was dark. Matthew and Jake were both out to it. Sebastian gently shook them awake. Matthew was exhausted from the day’s ordeal, and wasn’t to pleased to be woken from his sleep.

“Get out, Seb,” he muttered still half asleep.

“C’mon, Matt, we’re here now, aunt Sarah’s just gone up to get everything set for you.” Sebastian opened the door wide and shook him violently.

“Get up!” He left the door opened so the cool breeze would wake him up, and walked into the brightly lit house. Jake sat up and rubbed his heavy eyelids with the palms of his hands. He winced when pain shot through his temples.

The boys lugged their suitcases up the steps and into the brightly lit, inviting, home.

“You know where the rooms are boys. Just help your self to what ever you need.”

“Thanks, Sarah, you’re a legend,” Matthew said gratefully. She smiled at him kindly.

“There’s plenty of food in the refrigerator if you want something to eat, just come down and I’ll whip something up.”

“Thanks, but I think I might just go to bed. My heads pretty sore,” said Jake.

“Okay. Do you need painkillers or anything?” Sarah asked him.

“No, the doctors gave me some but thanks.”

“Okay then. Good night, Jake.” She wrapped him in another warm hug and kissed him on the cheek.

He trudged up the stairs dragging his luggage. When he got to the top, he stopped and looked at the family portraits hanging on the walls of the hallway. Next to the door way of his room there was a big-framed photograph of the three boys when they were younger. Jake stared at it and couldn’t help noticing the differences between him and the other two. While they all looked alike at a glance, there were some small details that made him stand out from the other two. Sebastian’s and Matthews hair was curly and uncontrollable, while Jake’s was quite straight and flicked out at the ends. That was the biggest difference. Another thing the boys didn’t have in common was the colour of their eyes. Jake’s eyes were a piercing green that grabbed peoples attention. Sebastian’s and Matthew’s eyes were a bright shade of gentle blue with flecks of grey through them. Jakes natural skin colour was more olive than the other two as well. But one wouldn’t be able to tell because of the cover form the tan that had built up over the summer.

Jake sighed and opened the door into his room. He dumped his bags on the ground and looked around. It was exactly the same as the last time he had stayed. Sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed his face. He felt rung out and depressed, yet he didn’t know why. He kept replaying the dream he had earlier on that day while he was unconscious. He could vividly remember the picture of the green swaying grass, and even the rushing sound of the river. It didn’t make any sense, so he stuffed it to a corner of his mind and left it for another day.

Down stairs, Sebastian and Matthew were talking to Sarah and their uncle Andrew. Matthew was curled up on the Lazi-boy, munching on a chicken and mayo sandwich and Sebastian was sitting on the couch with his feet resting on the coffee table, sipping hot chocolate.

“So hows the tour going boys?” Andrew asked, breaking the silence.

“Well, it was going great until today. But the fans are awesome. Most of the concerts have sold out, which is always a good sign,” Sebastian replied.

“But it’s crazy, insane! Those girls are mad!” Matthew told them between mouthfuls of his sandwich.

Sarah laughed, “That’s ‘cause you’re so cute and they all love your frizzy hair Matt.”

His cheeks turned scarlet and he looked down at his plate embarrassed.

Matthew was only coming up 15, so he was still considered the ‘little boy’ out of the three of them and was always getting teased. However the fans were crazy about him, all the attention made him shy around the media. During television interviews or radio broadcasts, Jake and Sebastian did most of the talking, while Matthew would sit next to them twiddling his thumbs.

“I’m not shy,” he would say. “I just never have anything to say.”

Despite his shyness, he was an awesome singer. Although he did not sing as much as Jake, he was just as good, even better according to some people. He didn’t like to sing and show as much as his brothers so he left that to them.

Another of Matthew’s talents was writing songs. He wrote the majority of the songs for the albums. His family always said he had an uncanny way with words, and he showed it through his lyrics.

“We’ve just advertised a competition on MTV in Australia and New Zealand, to be a V.I.P guest at our concert at home,” Sebastian told his aunt and uncle.

“Oh, really, New Zealand? This wouldn’t happen to have any….,” Sarah got cut off in mid sentence.

“Yeah, it was Jakes idea, so it’s not really a competition.” Matthew explained.

“Oh, I see. If he thinks it’ll make things any easier.”

“I know. That’s what we’re worried about. It might turn out to be a huge disaster,” Sebastian said frowning.

“Well, I guess it’s as good a time as any. I just hope it goes well, Andrew said, and took a sip of his coffee.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Random avatar
kenni Comment

hey! that makes a lot more sense now! ha ha but yea... u should read my first chapter....I'm not too sure how to find it but its got pretty much the same title as this piece except it has chapter 1 instead of 2!
thanking you for all the help!

User avatar
CastlesInTheSky
Comment

Hey,

Well I'm glad you didn't take offence.

Seeing as the whole thing isn't going to be about celebrities' lives, I might well read on and give you more review in the future :D

Well, 'nix' just means 'get rid of', and a clause is, well... A sentence composed of a predicate and a subordinate?

Hehe, you're probably confused. Here's an example: (I always learn better myself by examples)

The following example sentence contains two clauses:

It is cold, although the sun is shining, and although I was sweating.

The main clause is "it is cold" and the subordinate clauses are "although the sun is shining." and "although I was sweating."

So, 'clause' basically means, all those words seperated with commas. The reason not to include them is it slows down the writing flow.

Don't worry though, you used a lot less than I normally do in my writing, so Kudos :D

I have a real problem with those clauses.

Well, I hope to read you next installement :D

Keep Writing :D

Random avatar
kenni Comment

Thanks for the help with the editing. No offence has been taken, but if you read the first chapter, you should be able to predict that I'm not writing just about celebrities life. I've already kind of planned the whole story so i know where it's heading. But I'm yet to put pen to paper and write it out.

People have their opinion and this is yours, I'm alright with that :D



p.s. what is a "Nix" and a "Clause"?
The only writing i do is what i do at home and the short descriptive writing we do at school once a year, so i don't really know alot about all these little words and stuff! :D

Thanks again!

The big tour bus pulled up out side of the Honda Centre in Los Angeles California.


Outside is one word. Oh, and 'big' is a very weak adjective. You can do better. Describe how the bus pulled up. What the centre looked like. How the gravel sprayed everywhere as the wheels grated. You know.

Matthew, Jake and Sebastian sat in their seats nervously awaiting the crowd gathered outside.


Good.

Hundreds of screaming fans, mostly who were teenage girls, pushed and shoved their way to the front of the crowd, to be the first to see the brothers walk off the bus.


This sentence is way too long. You need to watch your clauses. Rephrase it like this:
Hundreds of screaming fans were there, mostly teenage girls. They pushed and shoved their way to the front of the crowd, to be the first to see the brothers emerge from the bus.


His green eyes sparkled with anticipation and excitement for the up and coming concert.


Anticipation and excitement...nix. Redundant. It's not doing anything for me.

“Hey, I’m being serious! Some of those girls are pretty lethal! And I for one don’t want to get torn to pieces by long fingernails!” Sebastian said explaining his reason for the bulletproof clothing.


You need a comma after 'Sebastian said'. Oh, and the reader isn't stupid. You don't need to include the whole 'explaining his reason for the bulletproof clothing.'

“It’s true Jake those girls just latch on, it’s like trying to shake off a leach!” Matthew said, shuddering at the flash back he saw in his mind of the crazy girls grabbing anything that was in their arms reach of him.


You need a comma after 'true'. You have mispelt the word 'leech'. It doesn't have an a in it.

Before he opened the door he fluffed up his hair and straightened his shirt then opened the door and stepped out into a sea of fans.


Nice sentence.

The crowd was in an uproar when they saw the boys’.


I don't see the ned for the apostrophe after the 's' in 'boys'.

All that was heard was the screaming of Jakes, Matthews or Sebastian's names mixed together into a deafening racket.


I don't like 'all that was heard'. Instead, put, "All that could be heard."

Pens and markers were thrust into their hands to sign their autographs on posters, clothing, books and even bare skin. Camera’s flashed and phones clicked as nearly every single person tried to get the best picture.


This is a well constructed sentence. You don't need an apostrophe after the 'a' in Cameras. Nix the 'as nearly every single person tried to get the best picture'. Or rephrase it. It's awkwardly put.

A girl aged about sixteen jumped the metal pipe barrier and onto the pathway which the boys’ were walking up. She ran at Jake with a camera in her hand.


Again, you have an unneeded apostrophe after boys.



Alright, I am going to be very honest with you and I hope you don't take offence.

I simply couldn't be bothered to review the rest.

There's nothing to empathize with! The characters are just paper cutouts whose biggest problem in life is getting chased by adoring fans of teenage girls.

There's nothing wrong with writing about celebrities, if it's done well. Point out their insecurities, their weird mannerisms, their worries, their problems. I want to know about their personal life, etc...

I'm sorry to be so blunt. You are a good writer. You just need to either change the subject, or change the approach.

Good Luck.

xxx



People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke