Hi kendallelise,

I found this basically clunky. I think it's a combination of the forced half-rhymes and your syntax. Look at the second line in particular: "And steals away that which brightly ignites" is kind of horrible English. I was instantly torn away from your poem when I read that, and that's never good so early. The third line: "The fear from which this life has spawn" suffers from the same weird syntax. It all seems quite passive. I'd rather see something more direct and less verbose, such as "Life spawns fear" than what you've got. When you're editing your poetry, you have to really consider every single word choice and what order you've placed them in and make sure you think that's really the best, most imaginative way you can think of trying to describe your idea.

Another suggestion I have is think about where you're leading the reader. The first and third stanzas are pretty much the same, save for a few synonyms, and that's kind of pointless. The middle one doesn't make much sense to me, except for a few biblical references, so right now I'm not really sure what you're trying to tell me. As a rule, rhetorical questions rarely tend to be effective in poetry, and you've got three here. I'd rather you told me what it might mean when you're gone, rather than feeling like I keep getting asked that question!

Good luck with it and let me know if you produce any further drafts.