Published August 26, 2013
The pale, full moon, casts an eerie glow upon the two teenagers who rest in the grass. An owl hoots in the distance, as a breeze interrupts the stagnant air. From a distance, no one would suspect that these two young adults were anything more; their love, however, was extraordinary.
She was unlike others of her kind, in that she were more mature, and happier. She did not yearn for damnation, nor did she thirst for blood; merely, she thirsted for the man beside her. In the darkest of her nights, he had given her sunlight. He kept her afloat, while keeping her grounded. She loved him, to the best of her abilities.
He was just a boy, born and raised in a small town. Fairytales and childhood stories had long since left him, until she came around. She had given him a magic that could not be forgotten. He would give anything to spend eternity with this creature of the night, but for now, they only had one star-kissed evening.
Author's note: Not sure where I was going with this; it was kind of an on-the-spot creation!
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137,698 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
Hi!
I love this piece of work you do. You describe the character well enough.
But I was expecting more of it,actually. Maybe this is just your epic beginning to start.
Don't stress out and start back this piece of yours one step at a time. I am looking forward for the continuation.
This is a great start that puts the reader in the middle of what I'm guessing is a vampire love story. The writing is beautiful, and for an on the spot writing very creative word flow. I hope you take the time to finish this, or maybe you did I don't know when you posted this. If you had the thought to put this down it started from somewhere, and if you haven't finished the thought I would encourage you to do so even if just to finish this scene.
Well, you've gotten the grammar review from ShadowVyper \/, so I'll leave it at that. @Shady rofl on the comic, dude. That was hilarious.
Now, on to your story. I'm surprised, even as a spur of the moment story, that this is so short. Whenever I roll with a spur of the moment story, I get a good page or two at least. So I felt like you were just getting started, and then stopped.
"The pale, full moon, casts an eerie glow upon the two teenagers who rest in the grass." Now, I'm not going to point out the 'who', but I would recommend you review that second comma, the one right after moon. I'm not 100% certain it's not supposed to go there, but I do know it flows a WHOLE lot better without it there. It's just like, "moon, casts..." Really disrupting break. Hope this helps!
Hey Kelsey!
~ "Who" not "Whom".Shady here with a review for you this fine afternoon. Your piece isn't very long, so I suppose my review won't be either-- but, let's see where it goes. c:
I actually just did a good bit of research on who vs whom, because the difference confused me. So, now I know. And the trick I learned, was that if you can say 'he' in place of the who(m), then it should be 'who'-- but if you can say 'him' in place of the who(m), then it should be 'whom'.
This comic details the difference very nicely, and is humorous as well (though a bit crude in places, I admit), if you're interested in checking it out a bit more. If not, just remove the 'm'.
~
Okay! So, other than the who vs whom, I don't have any more complaints about your piece-- except for it's lacking length. I read your note, about not being sure where you were going with it, so I understand why it's so short. But, all the while, I can't help but feel like it should be longer.
I think you have an interesting premise here-- an alien in love with an earth-man. Better love story than Twilight.
I hope this helped! If you have any questions, or need any more help, don't hesitate to PM or wall me.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hello, love. Rosie here for a review.
Wow. I don't know what I was expecting, but definitely not that. In my mind this was going to be something off the wall and mystical, and I was about to read it and roll my eyes.
For me, sometimes an on-the-spot creation can turn out to be the next big idea. I think that you should definitely continue this. I'd love to read more. You did an excellent job of setting the reader up without overwhelming. I don't have any nitpicks or anything too terribly picky to say.
Can't wait to see where you go with this!
Love,
Rosie.