Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,784 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
Hi Kelsey, I'm June,
I liked how short this poem was, because it didn't waste time trying to be cryptic or overly creative with images. Like the previous reviewer mentioned, the usage of pretty and petty together was a rather successful choice. The poem as whole was was successful; everything from meaning to rhyme to effectiveness. Two thumbs up.
June
This poem is short and sour, but in the best ways. Rather than saying short and sweet, this poem develops the character of a particular person in five lines and I find that amazing. The rhyming is really well thought out and the meaning behind the poem is very deep, moving and twisted in a way.
It reminds of a piece of music called, "La Chute" by Yann Tiersen
It seems to tell a story.
The oxymoron used as well, seems to make me feel uncomfortable.
"The mirror tells such pretty lies."
Lies are not generally pretty, It seems the voice of the person writing this seems to despise prettiness, whether it's you or someone you're trying to portray.
so well done,
IvyLeonora
If you'll notice, the mirror tells such 'petty lies', not pretty. They are told to pretty girls, saying that they are not, and never will be, good enough. Thank you for your kind comment though!
Hmm. I like the tightness of the rhyme and rhythm here. I really appreciate it, because it lets all the reviewers focus on the words instead of getting thrown off by little mistakes.
Now, as for the meat of it, it's also pretty tight so there's not a lot that can be done to tweak it. It's just that in general, I'm not sure I get the message. You say the mirror tells them lies, and I get that it's about weight and misconceptions based on the media, but what do you mean by "dreams too thin"? It's an important part in the poem. It's a crucial turn between the description of the weigh t and then the description of the situation.
Do you mean that they focus only on their appearance so they miss out on making real dreams to carry them and their happiness through? Or is it just trying to play to the opposite of wide? In which case, maybe think of a different noun instead of dream? Or did you mean something else entirely? See if you can clear that question up, because in such a tight poem, everything needs to be easy to swallow.
If that's clear, I think the last line will go down easier, too. Right now it's kind of off for me, because I wonder what they're winning at. Especially since eventually, they can kind of get out of the rut of believing the mirror (hopefully), so they would eventually win, right? Hmm.
Well, PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!
With eating disorders, it is common to be overcome by thoughts and actions revolving around the disorder. Rarely do those affected focus on their lives. The line 'dreams too thin' has two meanings:
1. Their dreams revolve around being thinner. The constant struggle to fight off the voice in your head telling you that you're too fat is often times too much.
2. Eating disorders take over everything, including dreams, and cause the person with the disorder to give up their goals, and sometimes, their life.
Let me know if that made sense!
This is very true: "The mirror tells such petty lies..."
My friend always feels the need to grow skinnier, and I'm afraid she's becoming anorexic, despite the fact that she's skinnier than me and I'm really skinny (due to a disease, not eating disorder). When she looks in the mirror, I want to smash it because I hate how she purses her lips and stuff like that.
I don't want to to say that it is very short, because I really don't care how long a poem is, but others might and I hate it when it totally ruins a beautiful, heartfelt poem. >.<
Despite its length, I chewed my lip and -- BAM! -- you can see how many memories it brought back.
I love it. <3
-Wonder
If you are worried about your friend, please tell someone. Even if she is mad at you, you could save her a lot of trouble and pain in the long run. I felt that this poem needed to be short, as there is not a lot to say about the topic. Short and sweet gets the job done, and there is no need to elaborate. Thank you so much!
Nice and short piece of poem. And the title is also very nice. I liked the PETTY and PRETTY thing you had in your poem. When you said 'pretty girls' you wanted to signify that they ARE in reality pretty but when they look at themselves in the mirror they don't see themselves as that. I really liked the idea of your poem. Now time for some flaws. I believe you could add some more to it. I mean girls not only see them as fat or having 'wide hips'. There are a lot other deceptions too which a girl might be in. Secondly, I didn't understand why you added the line:
"and dreams too thin"
Maybe i am not able to get it. So you could have better explained it. Also I felt you should have added your title somewhere in your poem. It would have added to the effect.
But overall i feel your poem was fantastic and i really liked it!! Keep writing!!
Cheers,
Shiksha!
The title of the poem is 'Deception' because the mirror, and society honestly, tell lies in order to try to create an image that cannot exist in reality. The line 'dreams too thin' was added for personal reasons: girls, and boys, struggling with eating disorders tend to be overcome by the disease. They give up any other dreams or goals they had because the disorder takes over their lives. In essence, their dreams become 'too thin', just as they are hoping to be 'thin'.Does that help at all?