“You have to stand up and face to this shit world. Don’t hide, if you try to hide yourself, you are just a loser, a running and hiding loser.”
His
mind now was full of those sentences. “Am I a loser? Am I afraid?” He was too
weak. He was scary. This life slapped to his face too strongly. He got hurt, he
cried. It started to rain as crying for him: “Poor boy!” The wind was wailing,
the trees were swinging, the rain and crying sound could not be distinguished.
The cold wall of an abandoned house was pressing against his back. The dark
covered this space and also his life.
He was sixteen years old. Children who were in this age had to be caressed by mother’s soft hands, had to be protected by strength of father, but this boy had to wander this life with no one. His family was disintegrated since the day he was born. His father died because of a car crack. After giving his birth, the mother was heavily sick. Some months later, she passed away. He was taking care of by his grandparents, but they were too old. When he was five, they gradually left him to come to the heaven. No aunt or uncle wanted to look after him, so he was sent to an orphanage. People here loved him, but he still felt lonely. He was exiting but not living.
At age ten, he felt so upset when he studied at school. Every time he saw parents of other students came and picked them up, it was the most heartless punishment for him. The loneliness was killing him. He missed mother, father thought he did not meet them. He wanted to call “Mom! Dad!”, but there was no one to call. Then he decided to escape the orphanage. He stepped out the world.
Unlike he expected, the world was so vast. Day by day, he wandered around to find something he did not know. He took many different jobs. He washed dishes, shined shoes, cleaned houses, sold noodle, sold lottery, worked as a builder, etc. He was hit, kicked, yelled, cheated, but he beard all of those things. He found a small abandoned house to stay. There was no pillow, no blanket so he had to lie on straw and leaves. In the morning, he could not eat a real breakfast with milk or eggs, but he had to beg for leftover of a small restaurant near the house. His clothes were patched with many different pieces of cloth, his shoes were worn out, and his cap was paly and torn an edge, his skin was dark and smelt burn. He went out and looked for something to do when the sun raised every morning. After earning a little money, he bought a bread as dinner. He could read, write, calculate but not really well, so some people could easily cheat him
One day, a group of young hooligans were trying to tease and beat him. He struggled all his best to run away but he was not faster than them. They were older and stronger than him. They stood as a circle around him after beating. One of them said to him: “Hey kid, you just know how to run? Do you know we are all like you, but we don’t run. You know why, huh? Because we know that if we run then we will be pursued, tomorrow we have to run, and keep running in the next day. Our lives become a run-and-hide game. You have to stand up and face to this shit world. Don’t hide, if you try to hide yourself, you are just a loser, a running and hiding loser.” Then, they left him behind.
He cried a lot at that night because of hurt and because of harshness that he had to bear. Suddenly, a trenchant voice talked to him: “Keep crying, boy. You cry to clean up this fuck today, and tomorrow you should stay strong, don’t give up this damned life.” He stopped crying, the eyes burned as a fire. He stood up and loudly yelled: “YES, I WILL NOT GIVE UP THIS SHIT LIFE, NEVER!!!”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The swearing caught me a bit off guard!
But in all honesty, I thought the picture was very powerful. I was attracted to your work because of the odd description and was not disappointed!
I don't want to critique anyone negatively, but I'll just say that the loaded curse words at the end could be omitted and it would still be incredibly quirky and powerful. You might want to fix the rating, however! There are a lot of young readers on here.
Anyway thank you very much for submitting, sweety, and I hope you don't feel discouraged at all to post something new soon!
thank you so much for your review. I'll try my best on the next stories.
Hello! Pleased to meet you! Um, first thing to note: The rating. It's E - Everyone, but it includes swearing? Probably just a mistake, but I thought I'd point it out anyway, so that younger members don't think this is, like, okay to read, and then get freaked out by the swearing.
Okay, secondly, I really don't have much to critique here, apart from a few confusing parts .
In the second paragraph, you wrote, '“Am I a loser? Am I afraid?” He was too weak. He was scary.' The two ending sentences say 'He was too weak. He was scary.' This part confuses me. Is it the same boy, or is it that the boy was too weak, and someone else was scary? Or do you perhaps mean to say that he was scared?
Also, in the third paragraph, you wrote, '... caressed by mother’s soft hands, had to be protected by strength of father ...' which is also confusing. I think it might read a bit better if it was written, '... caressed by a mother's soft hands, had to be protect by the strength of their father ...' so it isn't as, sort of, I don't know, clunky?
Another point, also in the third paragraph, is, 'When he was five, they gradually left him to come to the heaven.' This doesn't quite make sense to me. I think the end, 'left him to come to the heaven' could be replaced by something along the lines of, 'deserted him, instead reaching for heaven' or something similar.
This is probably going to sound very harsh, but the whole fourth paragraph makes virtually no sense to me.
'At age ten, he felt so upset when he studied at school. Every time he saw parents of other students came and picked them up, it was the most heartless punishment for him. The loneliness was killing him. He missed mother, father thought he did not meet them. He wanted to call “Mom! Dad!”, but there was no one to call. Then he decided to escape the orphanage. He stepped out the world. '
Firstly, the first sentence doesn't quite work right to my ears. Maybe replace 'felt so upset' with something about how it felt painful, like a dull ache in his heart.
The second sentence is confusing, because it switches tenses, and I just don't think it works. 'Every time he saw parents of other students came and picked them up ...' would maybe work better with a possessive 'other students' parents' and then, 'come and pick them up', so it runs a bit better, if you understand what I'm saying.
The third sentence is okay, but the fourth sentence is also confusing. 'He missed mother, father ...' firstly doesn't work, because 'mother' and 'father' should be capitalised when it doesn't say 'his mother' or 'her father' or something (this is general), and also doesn't work because it goes on to say, 'though he did not meet them'. I just don't quite understand. Personally, I think you should try rephrasing most of this paragraph (sorry, that really does sound quite harsh, doesn't it?).
There also shouldn't be a comma after the dialogue, and, in the last sentence, I think it might work better as, 'He stepped towards the world' or 'He stepped out into the world'.
Mostly after this, it is okay, but 'beard' should be 'bore' (I think, but I'm pretty sure it's not 'beard'), and 'the eyes burned' should be 'his eyes burned'. Also, before the dialogue, I think it should have been a comma before, not a colon, and remember to take a new line for each time someone else speaks.
All those points aside, I do think this is a good piece, but could be massively improved, with less confusing sentences etc. I hope you don't feel I was too harsh on you, and have a good day!
Love,
Evalynne
wow.... I really appreciate your review. Thank you so much.