Just the beginning, ill write more, criticism plz..
CHAPTER/PART 1
"Oh come on Will," said Jack as they marched through the forest with his friend Will. His long black hair was waving in the wind, his green eyes glowing in the moonlight. "I dunno I'm pretty nervous about this" Will said, his grey-green eyes shining, his short brown hair motionless.
"Yah I know, but we said we were gonna go through with it..." Jack exclaimed motioning towards the mansion that came into site over the trees. Shattered windows banging across the house,
dead trees blowing back and forth in the front lawn.
"I dunno man, it doesent look reasuring, just old." Will said gaping at the house, which almost had a cob web on every inch of its exterior.
"You gonna [Censor] out now?" Jack exclaimed stopping and staring at Will.
"N-N-No, of course not.."
"Good"
Jack was not going to turn back, not now, and Will knew that.
Jack and Will dreadfully walked towards the house, feet stomping on the dead grass. They finally made it to the front steps without saying a word, and even Jack was having second thoughts.
"Well. Cmon Will.." Jack said nervously, and Will merely nodded in agreement.
Jack took the first step, and as he expected, it made a loud Creak! as Jack slowly put his foot to the other step. 'Only two more' Jack thought, 'please don't break, please don't break, please do-"
Before he even finished his thought he was at the front door.
He turned around to help Will up, but as he faced to the bottom of the stairs, He was gone! Jack frantically darted his head back and forth, and he saw wills form just in time, disappear back into the forest.
"I cant believe it!" Jack boomed out loud, his voice barely carrying over the howling wind.
BOOOM!!!!
Jack fell to the ground as thunder fills the air, and almost right after, its pouring rain, making jack wet and cold to the bone.
Jack turned around and looked at the mansion door, which was almost begging him to come in. Jack grabbed the handle and pulled the doors open.
The door opened to pitch black, it seemed the moonlight only illuminated the front porch' I have a bad feeling about this' jack thought as he stepped inside. BOOM!
There was a loud crash behind Jack, the door had slammed shut. Jack desperately tried to turn the knob to no success, and then he started kicking,
punching, and clawing at the door.
"Damnit!!" Jack screamed as pain shot up his toe after an exceptionally hard kick. He soon gave up and started walking in the pitch black waving his arms in front of him.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Kel, Pink here!
Review sunday means review, review so that's what I'm here to do.
You said criticism...so...
Nitpicks
We have a few problems just with this opening to begin with.
First of all, there needs to be a comma after Will. Take a look at how correct punctuation comes in with quotations.
"Hi, Belle," greeted Jack.
"No, that's not the correct way to go," he said. (Note the comma)
Here is website that has some pretty basic examples you can study up on. Although, I do recommend you brush up on the rules of quotation and commas. Those are really important.
Link:http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
Also, the 'im' needs to be "I'm". Remember to capitalize. One more thing, you had a bit of repetition in here. Which isn't good. I suggest you make sure vary your sentences and all. The words like 'wind' was repeated and it made it sound weird. It's an easy fix, however.
There should be a period here.
Why is 'and' capitalized?
shouldn't be.
*second
*Creak.
You don't need to write it like that. Loud creak. We understand what a loud creak is and exemplifying it that way is a little unprofessional, don't you think?
*don't. Remember the put the apostrophe in your words.
Also, there should be commas between the thoughts.
"Please don't break, please don't break, please don-"
See?
Overall, you need to reread your work before posting. I don't mind if I see little typos or whatever. I mean, you can't always catch everything but this is filled with comma errors and such, which you should study up on and remember to use correct punctuation. For your plot however, it's interesting - but this was pretty short. I would like it if you tried to make it a little longer. Some of your descriptions were oddly worded and sometimes I wasn't sure what was going on. So maybe have someone reread your work, that always helps
Anyways, keep writing!
~Pink
Hey, I'm Jessica, and welcome to YWS.
I really don't think we need all these details about hair and eyes right now, it makes the sentence awkward!Corrections Are In Red, by the way!
Alrighty, as you see you need to re-read your work before you post. Make sure you always have ending punctuation, thoughts are in italics, use correct capitilization, good details, and most of all, show not tell.
It was confusing at some times so make sure to give the reader a good picture in their mind.
I hope that helped! Keep working, keep writing, and don't hesitate to PM me with questions or if you need anything else!
- Jessica
Ok, I like the begining and how you compare their hair and eyes. Nice job on the peer pressure thing. But you need to tell me why they were going there at night and why they went there at all. I want to read more though, nice story idea. An okay story title might be; "The Mansion". Or, "Shadow Mansion", because this seems like a scary story.