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The Demon Boy

by kelifa223

  • Novel / Chapter
  • Romantic

Published March 18, 2011

aw

Comments & reviews · 2
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amanda0450 Review
amanda0450 wrote a review Review · Mar 18, 2011

I have a few comments:

kelifa223 wrote:Cassandra, her twin brother Red and her very best friend Stacey where walking home from a program at church when they all saw a very unusual thing the bill-broad that was usually filled with writing was empty that made them a little worried.


I believe you mean "billboard". In addition, you wrote "where" instead of "were".

kelifa223 wrote:“If a really hot boy just randomly fell from the bill-bored." She said laughing and ignoring what Stacey said.


There should be a comma after "billboard" and the "s" in "she" should be lowercase. Also, you shouldn't say "said" twice in one sentence.

kelifa223 wrote:Stacey looked up at the bill-bored slightly “What the hell is going on?" Stacey asked shocked.


It would be better if you actually described the action of the boy falling out of the billboard. In fact, you don't initially provide any description of the boy at all.

kelifa223 wrote:He rolled on top of her his tongue was in her mouth she threw him off of her.


This should not be one sentence. For example, it would be grammatically correct if you said, "He rolled on top of her and put his tongue in her mouth. She threw him off." I know that's not the best example, but at least it's correct!

kelifa223 wrote:He looked over at Cassandra and Red they where standing back and looking at them made them look like lost angles and devils Cassandra turned her head back at them her curly long black hair swished in her face as she turned as the wind blew her eyes now electric blue took his breath away Red on the other hand had long black hair that was in his face and spiky he look almost emo his eyes where blood shot red and the way he looked at Cassandra was like she was his territory and no one would come and take her from him no one he will have her for him self or he will die trying. A shiver went up his spine and he looked away and turn his attention to Stacey she had long pink hair that looked like she died it a lot her eyes where a light green of a color she looked more like a guardian then a best friend she was peppy and always had a smile on her face witch made him wonder how she would act if he ever got her mad. She looked at him smiled and walked on.


These two sentences are way too long. In addition, you used "where" instead of "were" several times and you need punctuation in a lot of places.

kelifa223 wrote:The boy started to fallow.


The correct spelling is "follow".

kelifa223 wrote:“My name is Emerson at least that’s what I think” Emerson said


You don't need to say "Emerson" twice. How about, "'My name is Emerson. At least, that's what I think,' he said."


In addition, the dialogue in some places sounds kind of emotionless and awkward. Overall, I like your idea, but grammar-wise, this story is absolutely awful. You misspell common words, have no punctuation, and there's a ton of run-on sentences. There were too many mistakes for me to correct. Sorry, but you really need to work on your grammar and spelling. A fifth grader could've written something better than this.

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kelifa223 Comment
kelifa223 commented Comment · Mar 18, 2011

This story is one of my favorites that I wrote it's good I like it and I hope people who read it like it too I think it's interesting and I came up with this idea walking home and looking at a bill-bored so its kinda true so ENJOY



When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer