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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi kelana and welcome to YWS!
I can see there's emotion behind this, but I think the rhyming threw you in to some awkward phrasing. There's also some grammar issues.
Should be "I knew". And I agree with Nargles. If you're not going to develop this dew comparison for us, I wouldn't include it.
This is alright, but there's some tense switching here. The speaker is talking about the past when this other person left, so it should be didn't. Try to keep your tense consistent with what time frame you're talking about.
Sorrowness isn't a word. Just say sorrow.
More tense oddness. I think "ignoring" would work. And "in my eyes" makes more sense to me.
"Your face in smile" sounds weird. Your face in a smile? Your smiling face? Your face smiling? Any of those could work better.
Slaint? Is that even a word? I like the idea of days being slain though. Reword it as "As day after day is slain". You could do more with that too. How are the days killed? Does time slay the speaker's hope of the other person coming back?
Overall, this is okay, but more imagery would have made it stand out. The rhyming seemed a bit forced and there were some grammatical issues to edit. Welcome again and keep writing!
Amazing.
Animal is here to
save the worldreview...That's a wonderful piece you have here
*but
Sentence size variate. I know, I sometimes come in a situation where it is impossible to make it short without spoiling the rhyme. Just thought that I will let you know that, this line should have been smaller.
You should add a '-' is a continued sentence. Here is an example-
Because I still want to see-
Your face in smile
slaintI think you meant 'slain'Nevertheless, these last lines are wonderful. I love these lines more than the whole poem combined.
Please follow a specific rhyming pattern, it will make this poem more beautiful.
Yours Whatever,
Animal
Hey,
Firstly welcome to YWS, I hope you enjoy your stay
Secondly I'm going to have a shot at reviewing this poem.
Ok, so I can see where you are trying to go with this, but you just aren't there yet. I feel as if you are putting to much into it, not keeping it real. Does that make any sense? Probably not, sorry.
Basically you need to be careful as to not force it, there are a lot ot times where it seems as if you are forcing the language instead of letting it flow.
The biggest example of this is:
'That moment I'd knew
You gonna leave just like a dew'
It doesn't make sense and to be honest ruins the poem, there's no point putting similes and metaphors in if they don't add something to the poem.
It is good and there are bits I really like but just be careful as to adding things that don't need to be there.
Also you have some lines that don't make a lot of sense, work on them a bit.
Keep writing and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Love Nargles xxx
And, she reviewed this while I was still reviewing.