Road to Nowhere (Chapter Three)

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Here's Chapter 3! A shorter chapter :) Thanks for reading!

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I jumped at the sound of tires crunching on gravel. Apparently, I had fallen asleep. Dalton was passed out in the seat next to me. There was a glob of blood coming out of his right nostril. I almost gagged. The dark-haired woman unbuckled her seatbelt and spun around to face us. “Come inside. You two need a good cleaning.”

“Your house?” I choked.

No answer.

She immerged from the car and opened Dalton’s door, shaking his shoulders to wake him. He sat up groggily and frowned at the unfamiliar scene. She stood outside the open door with her hands on her hips.

“We said anywhere near a pay phone,” I coughed. She leaned her head into the car. “Get out.”

I made sure I slammed the door loudly enough to anger her. The outside of the house was a total mess. The fogged up windows showed no sign of light coming from the old rickety cabin. Come to think of it, it was the only house on the street. Maybe the only house in at least a 10 mile radius considering there were no street lights either. The only things close to us were the trees. Hundreds and hundreds of trees.

What a classy home, I thought sarcastically. There were no shutters, and no doorbell. Not to mention the roof and siding of the house which were practically falling apart with each gust of wind. I wondered if Dalton was thinking the same. I looked at him and almost laughed at his dazed, drunk-looking expression. Dalton and I followed the woman up the wobbly front steps where she hesitated a moment before pushing open the door.

The house was quiet, dark, and cold, and it was definitely not somewhere I wanted to be. I stood close to Dalton, feeling the warmth come off his body.

“The bathroom is through the living room on the left,” said the woman, pulling the light switch of a small table lamp. It flickered before finally lighting up a tiny portion of the room. She pointed, with her long crimson nails and pushed us in that direction.

“Thanks,” I said, in a disgusted tone. I heard her mumble something and then she turned away and walked into the other dark room.

~

We were waiting on the loveseat, while she brewed some coffee. The dark-haired woman had made us shower, and even helped Dalton bandage up his broken nose. I tapped my foot impatiently on the hardwood floor. Dalton patted the back of my hand in reassurance that everything was going to be okay. She came in then, appearing from the dark hallway with two mugs in her hands.

“Here,” she handed them to us and took a seat on the single chair in the corner of the room.

“When are we going home?” I asked flatly. It was the only question that I wanted the answer to. She sighed. “We’ll leave in the morning.”

“The morning?” I asked. “Take us home now, please.”

“Don’t worry, dear. The beds are already made for you two upstairs. No more questions, please.” The woman wiggled uncomfortably in her seat and looked as if she was trying hard to change the subject.

I swallowed. "What's your name." I didn't ask it like a question, but I said it harshly enough to make her twitch. She looked up from the floor and the reflection of the table lamp made her eyes flicker. The dark-haired woman stood up and cleared her throat, walking into the dark room behind us.

"Meredith."

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Hey there keekers,

I'm Tanya, here for a review!

I jumped at the sound of tires crunching on gravel. Apparently, I had fallen asleep. Dalton was passed out in the seat next to me. There was a glob of blood coming out of his right nostril. I almost gagged. The dark-haired woman unbuckled her seatbelt and spun around to face us. “Come inside. You two need a good cleaning.”
“Your house?” I choked

Ok, why is it she choked out her answer? Because she was nervous, afraid? because the house is in shambles? Her reaction should be explained, or your readers will think she's randomnly choking on her own saliva.

“We said anywhere near a pay phone,” I coughed. She leaned her head into the car. “Get out.”

You do this often throughout this piece. There should be a new dialogue tag each time someone new speaks.
"We said anywhere near a payphone," I coughed (By the way, why is she coughing?)
She leaned into the car. "Get out."

I made sure I slammed the door loudly enough to anger her. The outside of the house was a total mess. The fogged up windows showed no sign of light coming from the old rickety cabin. Come to think of it, it was the only house on the street. Maybe the only house in at least a 10 mile radius considering there were no street lights either. The only things close to us were the trees. Hundreds and hundreds of trees.
What a classy home, I thought sarcastically. There were no shutters, and no doorbell. Not to mention the roof and siding of the house which were practically falling apart with each gust of wind. I wondered if Dalton was thinking the same. I looked at him and almost laughed at his dazed, drunk-looking expression. Dalton and I followed the woman up the wobbly front steps where she hesitated a moment before pushing open the door.

Ok, well, I haven't read the previous chapters so I don't know what's going on. But my impression from this chapter is that your MC is a spoilt brat. Meredith promised her some help, brings her to her house, has her clean herself up, and all she can be is a total brat, slamming doors and mocking the state of the house.
If your intention is to make her sound bratty, then keep it this way. If Meredith has kidnapped them, mention it here, point out that you wouldn't be forced to live in here, even if you were kidnapped.

And Dalton? He's completely useless. The whole thing seems to surround your MC and Meredith. Where's Dalton's interaction? Have him fall out of the car, tripping over his feet. Have him stare mouth wide open when he sees the house. Have him be part of the story, and not just a convenient prop for your MC.

I swallowed. "What's your name." I didn't ask it like a question, but I said it harshly enough to make her twitch. She looked up from the floor and the reflection of the table lamp made her eyes flicker. The dark-haired woman stood up and cleared her throat, walking into the dark room behind us
She swallows. Which normally means she's nervous or afraid. Yet she barks her question to the woman? I find your characters aren't reacting like they should.

The thing is, when you write in 1st person, you have to keep in mind that you're plugging your readers directly into your Mc's brain. Whatever she feels/thinks/sees, they should too. So far? Nothing. She's not panicked about being in this strange house. She's got looking for comfort from the only person she knows. We don't know if she's really brave, or just acting it. One minute she thinks/acts one way, the next, another way. You need to keep your characters consistent, to avoid confusing your readers.

I hope this review helped, which is what it's meant to do. I'm actually intrigued by this, I think you have a good plot idea, so far.

Keep up the good work and let me know if you have any questions.

Tanya



Forget ragebaiting. What about happybaiting. Purposely mentioning things that my friends like to make them happy and joyous. What about that, huh
— GengarTheGhost