Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Article / Essay » Technology

E - Everyone

Ensnaring Traps of Technology

by kedjil


According to Karl Marx (2001), “the production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.” This quotation implies that too much of something is bad (McCarthy, 2008). It may be complicated to comprehend but this is reality. The present teaches us what to develop and what to avoid. Same is true with technology. With much advanced technology around us, I don’t think it contributes much to the shaping of the society. Though in some ways technology aids people in their daily living, it still has disadvantages such as it molds laziness, creates technology-dependent people, lets “netizens” invade others’ privacy, and allows people to commit cyber crimes.

Have you noticed that technology is being used by people to do less work? Yes, it is a great help to increase productivity but many among us uses this advancement for the sake of technology itself (Tyler, 2012). Because of this, laziness among people is molded. Wireless connections are being innovated to make life automatic. Instead of doing things manually, people would abuse the use of such technology and make their lives easier to deal with. For instance, one can just relax on his couch, watch television, and use his remote control to change the channel after a weighty and exhausting day. That situation may be reasonable, but there are a lot of lazy bodies which prefer not to change the channel if they don’t have the remote with them (Jackson, 2013). With that simple circumstance, laziness enters the scenario and becomes a trap to the person involved.

Admittedly, technology has brought evident changes which helped a lot of people. But with that, aren’t we becoming too dependent on technology this 21st century? For example, a student would just open his browser and go to Google for his researches instead of spending some time going to the school library and look for books related to his studies (Jackson, 2013). To be honest, that negative effect could sometimes be manifested in my academic life and I can sometimes be guilty of this. Of course, who would find time going to a place and waste even a little effort looking for something when you can actually get it through the internet in just a matter of seconds (Bator, Young, Alonzo, & Payton, 2009)? The fact that technology gives instant results makes a man dependent on technology itself (McCarthy, 2008). This dependence on technology can be more explained through considering our own daily routines. How much time do you spend on Facebook or Twitter (Tyler, 2012) just to keep in touch with friends and to know what is trending around the globe (Bator, Young, Alonzo, & Payton, 2009)? Or maybe how much do you need your phones for communication with people far from you? This elucidates how people are becoming more dependent on technology each day.

For over centuries, technology has been helping us in different aspects of our lives. It brought modernization to our daily lives and increased our gadgets and other forms of technology to a new level (Davidow, 2013). With that, technology may now be used much more than helping and protecting us. Hence, it is defeating the true purpose of inventing technology. Nowadays, hackers could access the files or accounts of anyone through the web. Even more, rebels from a certain country could have contact to government sites and get private information which is not intended to be shared (Myhre, 2013). With these being flashed in the news, I think that technology is not just doing its job, but it now exceeds its limitations. That is the bad news. Technology can now be used to invade one’s privacy (Zuckerbrod, 2013).

According to the issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer on the 1st of January 2013, almost 9 out of 10 Filipino internet users have been victimized by cybercrime or a malicious activity on the internet at one time or another (Avendaño, 2013). This proves that as technology advances, it becomes easier to commit cybercrimes. Thinking that in the past decades there are only few reports informing the people about cybercrimes, it is so evident right now that this issue becomes so disturbing. In any way or another, many are being harassed through the social media. There is a bulk of news relating a young teenager being troubled because of these social networking sites. Many were mocked, mistreated or even killed. This is how dangerous technology can be sometimes without the regulation in its use. To fight this, we need to discipline ourselves. We do not have to wait to be abused before we do the necessary actions. Truly, prevention would always be better than cure.

With every technology that gets innovated, it has its effects on us. Whether it poses a trap which will lead to a negative effect or a path to something better, it is still important to know that we can still live without technology. Life was better even before the internet or the computer was invented (Bator, Young, Alonzo, & Payton, 2009). People just started to be lazy when they learned that things can be done automatically. They also learned to be more dependent on technology because it can do jobs for them. Moreover, invading one’s privacy is now even easier with the help of technology. Lastly, technology led the people over the internet to commit cybercrimes. Now, can you say that technology is really helping us that good?

REFERENCES

Avendaño, C. O. (2013, January 01). 87% of Filipino Internet users have been victims of cybercrimes–DOJ | Inquirer Technology. Retrieved from http://technology.inquirer.net/21557/87-of-filipino-internet-users-have-been-victims-of- cybercrimes-doj

Bator, M., Young, W., Alonzo, J., & Payton, W. (2009, February 05). Are young people becoming too dependent on the Internet? - Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2009-02-05/news/0902060228_1_teens-internet- distractions

Davidow, B. (2013, August 23). Productivity Tools for Cybercrime - Bill Davidow - The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/08/productivity-tools-for- cybercrime/278974/

Jackson, D. (2013, July 17). Has Technology Made us Lazy and Dependent? Retrieved from http://www.lifehack.org/articles/technology/has-technology-made-lazy-and- dependent.html

Marx, K. (2001). Karl Marx Quotes - BrainyQuote. Retrieved from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/k/karl_marx.html

McCarthy, K. P. (2008, November 20). Are we too dependent on technology? - Sun Sentinel. Retrieved from http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2008-11-20/features/0811190551_1_cell- phones-teens-new-technology

Myhre, J. (2013, August 20). Technology Is Invading Our Privacy - Direct Marketing News. Retrieved from http://www.dmnews.com/technology-is-invading-our- privacy/article/307471/#

Tyler. (2012, May 10). Are People Overly Dependent on Technology? | TheGeekPanel - Technology Content, Geeky Stuff, Guest Blogging. Retrieved from http://thegeekpanel.com/social/are-people-overly-dependent-on-technology/

Zuckerbrod, N. (2013). Report: Govt. Web Sites Invade Privacy - ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=98647&page=1


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Donate
Fri Oct 04, 2013 12:09 am
oliver says...



very excellent




Random avatar

Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu Oct 03, 2013 3:08 pm
JioPaolo says...



Nice essay, great job!




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu Oct 03, 2013 2:29 pm
View Likes
NatsuDragneel says...



Your topic is very interesting. The content is excellent. Nice job. Keep it up. :D




Random avatar

Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu Oct 03, 2013 2:23 pm
View Likes
MarkAtienza says...



I like it, Great job!




User avatar
3747 Reviews


Points: 2312
Reviews: 3747

Donate
Thu Oct 03, 2013 4:55 am
View Likes
Snoink wrote a review...



Hi! As requested...

So, first of all, I am a scientist, so I am definitely up to date of technical reports! So, never fear! I am not reading this with the expectation of being thrilled in the same way that I would a poem. :P

The first thing I did when I started reading was I looked at the first paragraph. The first paragraph of a technical paper should pretty much tell us everything about the work. In fact, you should pretty much The remaining paragraphs? That's for giving out more detail of everything that you laid out for the first paragraph.

And... I was really confused. Let's go over the first paragraph!

According to Karl Marx (2001), “the production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.”


Snazzy beginning! Lots of people start off essays with a quote to spice things up and catch the interest of the reader... even in boring technical essays. ;)

This quotation implies that too much of something is bad (McCarthy, 2008).


...WAIT. WHAT? Where are you getting that implication from? Marx is talking about materialism and greed, which was underlying his whole basis philosophy of socialism, and you have just condensed his words into something that is so condensed that it doesn't make any sense. Too much of something is bad? What about love? Friendship? Courage? All of those things could be "something." Instead of distilling Marx's words to pretty much incoherence, do your best to understand what he really means. For instance, you can say, "This quotation implies that the production of more new technologies are not necessarily a good thing." That would expand on your essay, clarify your thesis, and not be so many wasted words.

It may be complicated to comprehend but this is reality.


Um. The only reason why it's complicated to comprehend is that you didn't explain it properly in the first place.

The present teaches us what to develop and what to avoid. Same is true with technology.


...I don't understand this at all. The present gives us an opportunity to develop and the past hints to us what we should probably avoid. But, beyond that... what are you trying to say?

With much advanced technology around us, I don’t think it contributes much to the shaping of the society.


This looks like a thesis to me! You are saying that technology doesn't shape society.

Though in some ways technology aids people in their daily living, it still has disadvantages such as it molds laziness, creates technology-dependent people, lets “netizens” invade others’ privacy, and allows people to commit cyber crimes.

...and you just contradicted yourself. Though, it looks like this is another thesis.


*sigh*

Because your first paragraph kind of wandered and contradicted itself, it kind of set the stage for the rest of your essay, which totally wanders and contradicts itself. Remember: in a persuasive essay, you need to have topic sentences (which refer back to the points made in your first paragraph) and supporting sentences. So, fix your first paragraph, figure out what you're arguing (maybe, "Though in some ways technology aids people in their daily living, it still has disadvantages such as it molds laziness, creates technology-dependent people, lets “netizens” invade others’ privacy, and allows people to commit cyber crimes.") Then, make a topic sentence for each of your paragraphs and explain them in detail. Like... "Technology molds laziness." Or "Technology creates technology-dependent people." Etc. And, make sure you can prove every single point.

Now, let's look at your conclusion. It should wrap everything up and add on to it.

With every technology that gets innovated, it has its effects on us. Whether it poses a trap which will lead to a negative effect or a path to something better, it is still important to know that we can still live without technology. Life was better even before the internet or the computer was invented (Bator, Young, Alonzo, & Payton, 2009). People just started to be lazy when they learned that things can be done automatically. They also learned to be more dependent on technology because it can do jobs for them. Moreover, invading one’s privacy is now even easier with the help of technology. Lastly, technology led the people over the internet to commit cybercrimes. Now, can you say that technology is really helping us that good?


I've always admired the Amish for this! Though, they use technology too... saws and whatnot. Oh well!

It looks like you're just summing up everything in a hurried fashion. Instead of summing up everything (which is what you should probably be doing in the first paragraph) why not add to why you personally believe this point has validity? You don't need to believe this, mind you, but it would help add more oomph. Besides... in your body, you use too many personal anecdotes. (One is really too many for the body... the body should be strictly about the facts!) So, you should leave all of this out for the end. ;)

Good luck with the essay! :)




kedjil says...


I learned a lot. I'll keep those tips. Thanks! :)



User avatar
1272 Reviews


Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 11:32 pm
View Likes
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello. Here as requested.

You have succumbed to a vast majority of rhetoric pitfalls within this essay, making it weak and rather superfluous. By relying on broad generalizations, you allow plenty of room for counter arguments and open yourself up to citing incorrect facts.

With much advanced technology around us, I don’t think it contributes much to the shaping of the society. Though in some ways technology aids people in their daily living, it still has disadvantages such as it molds laziness, creates technology-dependent people, lets “netizens” invade others’ privacy, and allows people to commit cyber crimes.


This, right here, is your thesis. Your thesis is where you give your opinion and evidence for it.

Your evidence contradicts your point.

Molding/enabling laziness is shaping society. Society is shaped by its people, and how people react to the outside environment. The fact you quote Karl Marx makes me rather surprised you're making this contradiction— Marx was a huge advocate of individuals taking control of their social status, headed worker rights unions, and Marxism was a heavily weighted factor for why poverty in newly-industrealized Europe was removed.

Unless you take great pains to define society as something that is not molded by its outside factors— which would counter the whole concept of "society" because its very definition is the total of all its individual parts, technology included— then your evidence contradicts itself in your thesis.

As a result of this, your introduction has not given your essay any factual base.

Have you noticed that technology is being used by people to do less work? Yes, it is a great help to increase productivity but many among us uses this advancement for the sake of technology itself (Tyler, 2012).


This is a broad generalization. They should be avoided, because they are very likely be wrong. This statement is one such wrong generalization.

Technology has actually decreased productivity over time. To cite a 2009 Canadian study by Katherine Marshal (adapted from the 2006 Statistics Canada publication Perspectives on Labour and Income 7, 7), the amount of hours worked per day per gender has increased steadily over the past 20 years, from 8.2 hours a day to 8.8 hours a day. This is directly countered to "common sense notions" that technology is improving our productivity.

Also, avoid questions. They are a marketing trick to gain "yes"s from people you want to buy your product. Academic writing should be authoritative, because you are presenting a well researched, supposedly factual opinion.

Instead of doing things manually, people would abuse the use of such technology and make their lives easier to deal with. For instance, one can just relax on his couch, watch television, and use his remote control to change the channel after a weighty and exhausting day. That situation may be reasonable, but there are a lot of lazy bodies which prefer not to change the channel if they don’t have the remote with them (Jackson, 2013). With that simple circumstance, laziness enters the scenario and becomes a trap to the person involved.


Your thesis is that technology has not shaped society. This, while a micro-example of society, is still a part of society. You could write a whole essay about how this maladaptive practice (the anthropological/sociological term for a hinderance to society) translates into society as a whole, but instead you use it as a sweeping generalization.

Admittedly, technology has brought evident changes which helped a lot of people. But with that, aren’t we becoming too dependent on technology this 21st century?


Your first sentence is an attempt to acknowledge your readers' counter arguments. However, your attempt falls flat because you do not actually address those arguments. You counter with a question, which, as I said before, is a marketing technique. It is not a well thought out argument. It relies on the person reading noticing these technological dependences, when they might not have. An essay must spell out the argument(s) and actively work at dismantling them so it may stand up to criticism.

One may very handily make an argument that technology has helped more than it hinders that directly addresses all of these points. I'm already thinking of the potential arguments: medicinal uses of technology allowing for longer lives (not on pain prolonging life support, but actual full lives), better quality of food and longer shelf life for food, better communication technologies for those who cannot speak (aka, Stephen Hawking). Each one of those, in turn, can be countered, and if I were to address those in an essay I would say why the counterpoints are invalid (to take food, a counter argument could be the dangers of genetic modification, which I would address by bringing up, say, better nutrition within some genetically modified foods).

Part of the reason your attempt at a counter argument fails is you do not define what you mean by "technology". Technology is a very broad term which can mean everything from a basic plough used for agriculture to a microchip. If you do not specify what technology is, then you open yourself up for counter arguments that you think are irrelevant, but are valid because they address broader concepts.

For example, a student would just open his browser and go to Google for his researches instead of spending some time going to the school library and look for books related to his studies (Jackson, 2013).


This negates the skill required for finding quality, relevant sources.

To be honest, that negative effect could sometimes be manifested in my academic life and I can sometimes be guilty of this.


Irrelevant sentence. It is not made relevant through explaining why you have selected such an example, contains unnecessary words "to be honest", and an attempt at... I'm not sure what. An attempt to show how we have all "succumb" to technology (which makes it a societal change, if we have all succumb to it)

Can be cut and you do not lose anything in your argument. All sentence should be critical to the paper, and any that can be cut, should be.

Of course, who would find time going to a place and waste even a little effort looking for something when you can actually get it through the internet in just a matter of seconds (Bator, Young, Alonzo, & Payton, 2009)?


See aforementioned comment about the skill of Googling. Also, this is yet another generalization that does not reflect many, many sources, such as advertisers (who rely on census data, commission surveys, and use the internet), university students (assignments can often have citation quotas that can only be met through visiting libraries), and lawyers (who are often citing everything under the sun to make their point), among many others.

This argument is also extremely easily countered, because physical places can rather often not contain the source you need. The internet, however, contains more sources that can be held in any one physical place.

This dependence on technology can be more explained through considering our own daily routines. How much time do you spend on Facebook or Twitter (Tyler, 2012) just to keep in touch with friends and to know what is trending around the globe (Bator, Young, Alonzo, & Payton, 2009)? Or maybe how much do you need your phones for communication with people far from you? This elucidates how people are becoming more dependent on technology each day.


Besides this being a complete contradiction of your thesis (daily routines are molded by society, after all), and being very easy to counter (awareness of global issues is becoming important in an increasingly global society), this particular statement falls under the bad framing I mentioned earlier. Phones became popular in the early 1900s, and have only increased in popularity since then.

Are you attempting to counter the Industrial Revolution as a whole, or the invention of the internet? If the former, then you absolutely must rewrite your thesis. If the latter, explain why you use phones as an example, because your current argument is the very purpose of the phone itself and has been that purpose since the invention of it.

For over centuries, technology has been helping us in different aspects of our lives. It brought modernization to our daily lives and increased our gadgets and other forms of technology to a new level (Davidow, 2013).


"For over" here makes this sentence very difficult to read. Either take "for centuries" or "over centuries". Centuries is plural, therefore it does not need two indicators of time. You have already told us this is multiple centuries. "For over" would mean millennia.

The concept of modernization dates back to the Industrial Revolution, making your essay far weaker because you are focusing on modern day uses of technology. If you want to take a historical perspective, begin actually discussing the historical issues at the onset.

With that, technology may now be used much more than helping and protecting us. Hence, it is defeating the true purpose of inventing technology. Nowadays, hackers could access the files or accounts of anyone through the web.


Your English here makes your argument difficult to pick out. I'm not actually sure what you are trying to say. I believe it is that technology is supposed to protect us, but the internet is making crime more rampant.

Focusing on the internet brings you back into the present, countering the historical slant your previous lines had taken, rendering them invalid.

Thinking that in the past decades there are only few reports informing the people about cybercrimes, it is so evident right now that this issue becomes so disturbing.


There were so few reports in past decades because the internet wasn't invented as we know it until 1981, and wasn't widely distributed until 1991. Major transactions were only done over the internet beginning in 1995 (or later). There are not even two decades of data to pull from in the first place. Less time, if you are counting in the social nature of the internet and the identify fraud that happens as a result. Considering the span of time discussed of in the previous paragraph, your invocation of history for the internet is a weak argument. The internet has minimal history.

Even more, rebels from a certain country could have contact to government sites and get private information which is not intended to be shared (Myhre, 2013).


Sweeping generalization once again, and ignoring the nuances of cybercrime laws. If you are referring to people such as Edward Snowden, I remind you he exposed a multinational government spy agency that is akin to how dictatorships monitor information that is raising ethical red flags across the globe, both for his actions and the United States government's.

There is a bulk of news relating a young teenager being troubled because of these social networking sites. Many were mocked, mistreated or even killed. This is how dangerous technology can be sometimes without the regulation in its use.


Another generalization. Citation for this news, please.

To fight this, we need to discipline ourselves. We do not have to wait to be abused before we do the necessary actions.


What abuse are you referring to? Abuse that happens everywhere, regardless of technology, and technology is simply bringing to light? Or abuse of technology? Because the world was a horrible place with power structures being abused by those in power to get away with murder long before the internet.

With every technology that gets innovated, it has its effects on us.


Once again, you directly counter your thesis that technology doesn't impact our society.

Whether it poses a trap which will lead to a negative effect or a path to something better, it is still important to know that we can still live without technology.


I'm sorry but at present we cannot. Technology includes stoves, fridges, distribution structures, industrial agriculture (aka, where most food in North America and Europe comes from), building materials, clothing... the list goes on. There is also the vast amounts of information stored on the internet which would be lost if it was shut down. This once again is a drawback of your lack of defining "technology".

Lastly, technology led the people over the internet to commit cybercrimes.


Technology did not lead people to commit crimes, making this yet another incorrect generalization. Crimes had always been committed, and committed on a similar scale, before the invention of the internet. Technology has simply made us more aware of them. Crime was so prevalent that Émile Durkheim wrote a paper on its importance to society, which was written in turn of the 20th century France.

Now, can you say that technology is really helping us that good?


Closing your paper on a question is weak, because it assumes we have more authority than you to say what has happened. You are the expert in the essay. You are the one telling us what you believe and why we should believe it.

--

You relied too heavily on generalizations which were often incorrect, did not define issues properly so all readers would be on the same page for what you were talking about, used sales-oriented language instead of being an authoritative academic source, and did not keep your argument tight enough for me to believe what you were writing. As a result, I do not believe what you have written and have already created a mental counter argument essay to disprove yours.

Hopefully this helped. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




kedjil says...


This helped me to gain new knowledge in writing. Thank you so much! :)



User avatar
124 Reviews


Points: 495
Reviews: 124

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:19 pm
View Likes
Liaya wrote a review...



This is very well done! Your writing was professional and articulate. On that note, perhaps it was slightly dry. I know essays are supposed to be impersonal, but I think it would be more effective if you placed more of yourself and your personal experiences/views in it.

It did hit home a little, though. I've seen the way technology addiction can ruin a person's life, and I'm always worrying about it. Thanks for the interesting read!




kedjil says...


Thanks for the review! I really appreciated it. :)



User avatar
315 Reviews


Points: 17879
Reviews: 315

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:00 pm
View Likes
Vincian wrote a review...



Hey there kedjil! First of all, welcome to YWS, I hope you and your class enjoy this site as much as I do.

Onto the review, though.

First off, I do like the title of this. It's intriguing and compels me to click on this one above others. Nice job. `

The present teaches us what to develop and what to avoid.


So, I don't really get what you're trying to imply with this sentence. Are you telling the readers that present-time communities, large-scale and small-scale, guide us to create what we like and dislike or what we try and don't try? Because if so, this has always happened before the present, and will continue to happen, seeing as it is human nature. Perhaps you want to change that part or remove it.

Same is true with technology.


Fragment. I think you should fix that unless this isn't graded on grammar and syntax.

With much advanced technology around us, I don’t think it contributes much to the shaping of the society


RED FLAG. Okay, it's not that bad, but don't put "I" or any other first person pronouns in an analytical essay, as it provides room for bias and then there goes the validity of your essay. An essay like this should only have facts backing up what you're trying to say in the beginning. After that, you can sneak in your definition of what it means and your observations, but don't use first person pronouns. That is bad.

Have you noticed that technology is being used by people to do less work?


Ooh, this is nice. But you know what would be even better? If it was in the beginning of your essay. It provides an opening that is more solid and inviting that your original and gives an opening to your reader's mind.

Wireless connections are being innovated to make life automatic.


So, I don't get why this is here. Are you wanting to single out wireless connections because they make life automatic, because they're not the only thing that does that. You could have said, "Advances in technology are being innovated to make life more automatic day by day."

On that note, technology would only make life more automatic and not just automatic itself.



So, all in all, I do like this essay. However, it feels too personal and makes me begin to doubt the validity of it, through use of some informal language and use of the first person pronouns. However, the informal language is fine, because it connects the reader to the essay, while the pronouns somewhat alienate them, because you go from talking to them to talking about yourself. Other than that, extremely nice essay, and I hope you get a high grade!

Keep writing, and I hope this helped!




kedjil says...


Thanks for the review. I will try to avoid those mistakes next time. :) It helped me a lot.



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 376
Reviews: 22

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:53 pm
View Likes
LaughingHyena wrote a review...



Extremely interesting article; the first thing I'll say is how professional it is-the quotations, the references to back up statements-this would fit in nicely in any science news website, magazine or other professional compilation. This makes your statements really convincing, and it is clear that you know a lot about the subject.

On the actual topic itself, this is a very interesting take on the subject. I myself do not think technology is all that much of a bad thing in some ways, though I have to say I don't really use it as much as other people I know. I do think it's very scary when you get people who are so addicted to it; it seems kind of detached and lonely in many ways. On the other hand, it has made jobs a lot easier, has enabled people to communicate better across the world, and has allowed people to understand the world around them better; apparently the uprising in the Middle East and Arabian countries last Spring were partly caused by people getting access to internet sites such as Facebook and discovering how their lives could be changed. But I do think sometimes you can definitely be too connected.

Overall this is a truly brilliant essay, extremely well-written and with great use of references, this is something that you would expect to find written by a professional journalist or news writer. Very well done!




kedjil says...


Thank you for finding time to read my article. :)





You're welcome! :)



User avatar
41 Reviews


Points: 977
Reviews: 41

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:51 pm
View Likes
Bellator wrote a review...



Hello! Bellator here as requested! I thought this was a very well thought out article. Your ideas are relevant and logical. I don't normally review articles, but this was really thought-provoking! I is well organized and gives the reader room to add their own opinions. I especially liked the part about research on the internet, seeing as it relates directly to my life. Besides a few spelling and grammar mistakes, I have n complaints! Keep writing!




kedjil says...


Thanks for the review. :)



User avatar
530 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 530

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 9:36 pm
View Likes
Renard wrote a review...



Ok... here is my review as commissioned.
This is incredible! Very professional, your ideas and points are organised clearly and separately. Spelling, punctuation and grammar is accurate.
The content has clearly been thoroughly searched and aptly used in such a way that you have included only the relevant details. This makes your subject seem more interesting and useful to the reader.
Overall... good job. If you're submitting this as some sort of coursework/project, I suspect a high grade is on the horizon.
Well done.

PS: extra well done for citing your references. :)
Yours in ink
~Bloodink




kedjil says...


Thanks a lot! :)



Guest Avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 100

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:21 pm
luis says...



Great essay , job well done

[ Edit ]


User avatar
110 Reviews


Points: 6441
Reviews: 110

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 5:36 pm
View Likes
Gardevite wrote a review...



Hey, you requested me and here I am!

So don't have much to add. ChangeTheWorld's review was full of great advice that I would take on board!

On my opinion of this, I liked it. It was not error free, and I really wish I had the time to do a full check for you, but you need this for tomorrow and I don't have the time today. I would suggest reading it with a really fine eye! Focus on every word as you read and see what fits and doesn't fit.

I think your point was very fair. I don't agree with it personally, but you wrote it in an easy-to-understand way and I all your points were understandable.

I noticed that you ended it on a question. This seems like a good idea in principle, but it can often make your ending very week. Your ending the article expecting readers to think and/or doubt their opinion. This is persuasive writing, and can often make people feel negatively about your article. It feels patronizing.

Overall, I liked your article. I still suggest an error sweep and perhaps changing that ending question. Hope I helped :D




kedjil says...


I will do as you suggest the next time I write again. Thanks a lot! :)



kedjil says...


I will do as you suggest the next time I write again. Thanks a lot! :)



kedjil says...


I will do as you suggest the next time I write again. Thanks a lot! :)



Gardevite says...


You're welcome Welcome Welcome xD



kedjil says...


LOL I didn't notice that.



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 1775
Reviews: 19

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:38 pm
View Likes
RachelLescano wrote a review...



"For instance, one can just relax on his couch, watch television, and use his remote control to change the channel after a weighty and exhausting day." I like this line. It simply mirrors the reality among men and women especially with the teens. :)

I like the way you write your essay. It made me interested to read the entire article. From the title up to the last question you've asked were all full of information and good ideas. I am entertained with the questions which you have included and these questions made me think of how it applies in my own life. There might be minor corrections I've noticed for you to produce a better work and a better outcome, but the entire article satisfied me. Your references/sources were all good. This article is pretty good! :) Keep up the good work!




User avatar


Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:14 pm
kingteejay8 says...



I love it. You've made an excellent essay. Job well done. :D




User avatar


Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 12:38 pm
kriselleabby says...



You have a point on your essay. Keep up the good work! :D




Random avatar

Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 12:34 pm
janjan208 says...



nice one essay. Keep It Up




Random avatar

Points: 356
Reviews: 1

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 12:25 pm
View Likes



Your title and hook is very catchy, it made me curious about your essay’s content.

Your topic is also interesting. You chose technology and its disadvantages to wake up the minds of people who depend on it too much.

You also chose good references as basis for some of the facts that you stated.

"To be honest, that negative effect could sometimes be manifested in my academic life and I can sometimes be guilty of this." - It is good that you cited some of your experiences when it comes to the disadvantages of technology because it helped support the idea that you wanted to point out.

To sum it up, I like your essay for it's uniqueness.




kedjil says...


Thank you! :)



User avatar


Points: 449
Reviews: 4

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 11:59 am
akosisab says...



I like your opening quotes, and I agree with your points, you pointed it well, I also like the ideas you throw on your essay .. Good Job.. Keep it up :)




Random avatar

Points: 315
Reviews: 1

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 11:28 am
Euclarkie says...



Nice, thanks a lot. Keep up the good work. :D




User avatar


Points: 357
Reviews: 2

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:31 am
shielamendoza says...



Nice essay and informative one :))




User avatar
115 Reviews


Points: 9790
Reviews: 115

Donate
Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:13 pm
View Likes
ChangeTheWorld wrote a review...



Here I am! I hope I can help, though I don't have a lot of experience reviewing this sort of thing.

This quotation implies that too much of something is bad

I love the opening quote, but I think this explanation/interpretation of it is a little simplistic. This is technically your opening sentence so you need to make a good impression since this acts as the transition into your article. You can say this same thing less simplistically and with more detail. Then I think it'd be great.

The present teaches us what to develop and what to avoid. Same is true with technology.

I don't understand this first sentence. Does this mean skills to develop? Or is it referring to something else? Please make that more clear. And then the second sentence should begin with "the" but I also think instead of a separate sentence, you can add in to the one before it by inserting a comma.

it still has disadvantages such as it molds laziness

For a better transition I would take out the "it" and change "molds" to "molding" in which case you would also have to change "creates" to "creating" and "lets" to "letting."

Yes, it is a great help to increase productivity but many among us uses this advancement for the sake of technology itself

There might need to be a comma before "but" although I'm not totally sure. And then I don't know what you mean by "or the sake of technology itself" so that might need to be reworded to be more clear.

Wireless connections are being innovated to make life automatic.

I totally get what you're saying here, but the phrasing is a little awkward.

Now, can you say that technology is really helping us that good?

Oh no :( This is really bad phrasing. "helping us that good" is not the right way to put it. "Can we truly say that technology has changed our lives for the better after considering all these negative affects?" Something like that would be a much better closing sentence. You were on track, but not quite there. My sentence isn't perfect, but you can use it as a base example for what would be a little better.

So overall, it wasn't bad. You have a completely valid point and I commend you on the many sources, those are important. But I have a few suggestions other than the ones I made above. All your sentences are pretty short. The few long ones are pretty good, but for an article especially, you need longer sentences. This will also help you sound more informed and formal. Which was my other point, i'm not sure how informal articles usually are, but this one seems a bit too informal, so those longer sentences with help stiffen it up a little bit. The other thing was that I'm not sure if you're allowed to use first person. Maybe you are and this is an irrelevant comment, but you should check to see, because lots of official, more formal works don't allow the use of first or second person, in which case you take to the reader a few times, so that would be not allowed either. Just something to double check is all.

The few other things were that your ideas sort of jumped around. The paragraph breaks seemed random, and you talked about something in paragraph two but also in paragraph four when all that information should really be together. So try to organize the ideas by more clear groups and the essay with flow much better. I think that was everything I wanted to say...I'm forgetting.
Any questions or other help I can by your girl!
I really hope this makes sense.
Okay, Change saying bye.
Until next time.




kedjil says...


This really made sense. I will try to fix my errors and learn from my mistakes. Thank you so much for leaving a review! :)





I really hope it helped! I was trying to make my thoughts coherent :)
Good luck with grading!



Random avatar

Points: 615
Reviews: 1

Donate
Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:03 pm
View Likes
MikheeLoreanne wrote a review...



All in all, the essay has properly conveyed its message to the readers. There is a clear organization of thoughts and ideas. Also, there are various transitions which made the sentences work together. Keep up the good work!




kedjil says...


Thank you for the review! :)



User avatar


Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Oct 01, 2013 9:45 pm
charles23mds says...



Nice one. I like your essay. Keep up the good work.




Guest Avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 100

Donate
Tue Oct 01, 2013 9:28 pm
Mikhee Loreanne says...



All in all, the essay has properly conveyed its message to the readers. There is a clear organization of thoughts and ideas. Also, there are various transitions which made the sentences work together.

[ Edit ]



Memento homo, quia pulvis es et in pulverem reverteris (Remember, man, that you are dust, and you will return to dust)
— Genesis 3:19