I'm only thinking about him and yet my heart is beating like I am standing right beside him or something. I don't even really know him but I feel like I'm in love. I just happened to catch sight of him with my wandering eyes the first week of school. His locker was not to far from mine, just a row away. He's extremely cute but he is a grade above me. He is in my Period seven classes so I get to see him every now and then. Today I had to talk to him. When I did, his eyes sent shivers all throughout me, I almost lost my words. I did not choke, I said what I needed to say and he smiled and replied with something that I was too awestruck to hear. So let's start from the beginning.
This all started when I had mentioned to a friend, Gianna, that I thought this boy was cute. This friend of mine agreed. Without giving me the slightest mention in her decision, She told the friend of the cute boy what I had said. The friend went up to the boy a day's time later and told him this and came up with the lie that I had fallen in love with him. The two friends (Giana and the cute boy's friend) started harassing the boy with these lies and pushing him to talk to me. It got to the point where the cute boy had thought of me to be just as crazy and obsessive as my friend. After weeks of this crazy behavior, my friend finally let me in on what she had been doing. I, being caught off guard and surprised, immediately told her to stop and leave the boy alone. She told me she was sorry and that she would. Little did I know that she didn't stop at all and instead got worse. When I found out about this, I instantly began to feel bad for this boy who's name I could not remember. So after an entire period of getting my thoughts together and building up the courage, I decided to finally go up and apologize to him.
At the end of the school day as I walked to my locker, I spotted the boy at his locker. I lost my courage at the sight of him, I almost didn't do it. But something made me change my mind and I walked up to him saying.
"Hey um Dylan, can I talk to you for a second?"
He had his headphones in and was listening to music. He turned the opposite way thinking I was there, but then turned to me. He smiled a bit and waited for me to begin speaking. I remained silent and locked my eyes onto his. I stood there for a few moments trying to retrieve the words that his smile had stolen from me.
"So um, my friend Giana, she's crazy. And um, I just found out that she was, uh, bugging you lately. She said all those things and I, I don't even know who you are. So I'm sorry."
Dylan smiled and kept his eyes on mine. "No, it's okay." he replied with the slightest shake of his head.
I stood there looking at him for a few seconds then smiled and bid my goodbyes before walking away.
Since then I think my feelings I feel for him have gotten deeper. I can't help to wonder if he feels the same. Does he think I'm pretty? Does he still think I am weird? Something inside me thinks he does, but maybe he doesn't. I guess I will never know until he comes up to me and tells me himself. Till then I will keep my distance and wait.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Oh and "The friend" is giana i should probably make that clear in the entry
Hi Kazzykay.
First off, I did like this piece in general. There were just some little things that made it hard to read and understand. Beckiw has already told you about the spacing. And again - I'm not too good with grammar myself so that will also be passed on to the next person. But I do know that you're missing some comas. It's easier to find the comas if you read the piece out loud to yourself and note where you pause. I hope that helps
Now for the story: I had to read the paragraph explaining why she needed to talk to Dylan twice. Becki has already mentioned the common use of the word friend. I think you need to pause and slow down in the explaination. I also feel as if the story is lacking a bit of detail. It would be really nice if instead of telling us the entire story you showed it to us. Maybe the main character catches her friend Giana bothering Dylan. Describing her feelings throughout the experience gives us a much better understanding of the character and also about what's going on.
One question I had was why was Giana always bothering Dylan? Was it only because the main character thought he was cute?
It was a reasonable story. My favourite sentence was: "I stood there for a few moments trying to retrieve the words that his smile had stolen from me." That line was beautifully poetic and very descriptive of her feelings. And very unique, not clichéd at all!
I hope this review helps!
Deanie x
Deanie,
thank you for your review it really did help!
I will definitely fix those comas! I get what you mean by the "double explanation" i thought it added effect lol. The detail is lacking a bit i guess. I just wrote what i could remember because this really happened to me! and yes my friend Giana acted on my comment of "oh hes cute"
THANK YOU SO MUCH! i loved that part too!! i was so proud of myself when i thought that up!!!
Hey Kazzykay
Welcome to YWS! Hope you're finding everything ok. Remember to have a look around at other people's work. It's the quickest way to make friends and ensure you get reviews too!
Onto the review!
There were a few nit-picky grammatical things that I noticed but I'm probably not the best person to point that out so I'll let someone else scoop them up.
The only glaring one was that some of the text was not spaced properly. I don't know if maybe YWS has formatted your work funny and it's come out like that but in a few places you have three words that'll just be smooshed together. Like - ' Iremainedsilent and locked my eyes onto his.'
So you might wanna go through and edit those bits so that the story is easier to read.
This started out quite well, I mean fairly typical as far as teenage romance fiction goes. (Maybe further down the line think about how you can make this different and refreshing)
However, I hit the second paragraph and that's where it all got confusing. The one that starts - 'This all started when i had mentioned to a friend that I thought this boy was cute. This friend of mine agreed. Without giving me the slightest mention in herdecision, She told the friend of the cute boy what I had said.'
Too many mentions of friends here! I wasn't quite sure which friend you were referring to and I got a little lost and then you devolved into this massive chunk of telling.
It seems to me that you were too eager to get to the bit where she interacts with Dylan and you just squashed all this story telling into two paragraphs. This throws your pacing way off and it's kinda boring. I don't wanna be told this stuff happened in a half-hearted manner. I want to be shown this. I want to see her friend scheming, to see her getting slowly annoyed. The nervousness when she is near Dylan or the paranoia she feels. Try to pace yourself!
This could potentially be quite a sweet story if you can unfold it gently and let us live in this world.
Anyway! I hope you're going to continue this and I hope to see you around more! If you have any questions then feel free to PM me
Bex x
Bex,
Thank you so much for your input! It really helped! I am not the best with grammar but that you can tell haha. I've never gotten feedback before! I get what you mean by the pacing and i will try to edit it to make it more slow and paced. My eagerness not only showed in my pacing but in my spacing! i was so eager to write about my experience that i seemed to have made a few typos! thank you again for your review!