Wisdomatch - Chapter Two

by kazhy419

Published February 6, 2013

E - Everyone

In Wisdomatch

CHAPTER TWO

            On this historic day, we declare the Wisdomatch, a tradition that has been buried for more than three centuries, unearthed!

            One representative from every borough in Faceria will face challenges from the four elemental Eminences: Earth, Water, Air, and Fire. The person who bests in the most number of challenges shall be declared the winner.

            This decennial tournament is open to anyone of any age, with the prize of a chest full of gold!

            Listed below are the rudimentary rules and guidelines.

 

            “What does rudimentary even mean?” I ask, waving the scroll in my hand. Do these Eminences think that the people who would care to join their contest are as educated as them?

            “Rudimentary. Elementary. Simple,” Vic answers as he continues reading his copy. “Please tell me you’re not planning to Enlist.”

            “Why not? The prize is gold, Vic. A chest full of it!”

            “The prize is gold, but the price may be your life!” He passes his scroll to the man behind him as another snatches mine.        “I’ve read about this in history books, Astrid. The reason they discontinued this competition is because the last time they held it, all the participants died!”

            “And who says I’ll die? Seriously, your disbelief in my capabilities hurts,” I say, clutching my chest.

            “I believe you can st—” he looks gingerly around us, “—do our job well, but not this. The Wisdomatch is too dangerous.”

            “No danger is too much for a desperate man,” I say.

            “Here. Keep it,” he says.

            The yawning man standing beside us forgets to close his mouth when he sees the brimming coin bag.

            I jam the bag back into Vic’s windbreaker. “Keep that in there, you lunatic!” I hiss. “And even if I accept that, I’ll still be in debt with Helen. Do you want me to work as one of her harlots?”

            He grabs my arm. “If that will keep you from doing this—”

            “Don’t say it.” I avert my gaze. “Wow, I can’t believe... Leave me. Now.”

            His hand tightens around my arm, like he’s pleading for the last time, before letting go and walking away.

            “Grandpa?” I call out, walking to the bedroom and hiding my last coin bag under my thin, lumpy mattress. I’d shortened our list of debts before coming home.

            “In here, Princess.”

            I go out the door between our two cots, to the humble patio, and find my Grandpa sitting in his dusty club chair. I raise his frail, wrinkled hand to my forehead before perching on the armrest. “Have you been up for a while? Have you taken your herbs?”

            “One doesn’t notice time when he merely exists as he watches life go by,” he answers meekly, staring down with his lackluster green eyes at the Divider, a wide saltwater river that cuts a quarter of our town right in the middle.

            We are on the eastern half, scattered with similar thatched huts and where the air is never fresh enough, like every bit of it has already been inhaled at some point before.

            On the other side of the Divider opposite us, not just in location but in every littlest way possible, is the hill that Vic and I visited last night: the West, home of the Windbags. The higher up you hike in there, the bigger the mansions are, but each is complete with numerous porches and cared-for lawns. They sit there, taunting us with what they have and what we don’t.

            I didn’t know my hand has tightened on the armrest until he clamps down his on it.

            “Yes, yes, I’ve taken the bitter things. How was work?” he asks.

            “Same as usual,” I say. “Lark got me and Vic to... supervise his new goods. He gave us a bonus for doing a great job.”

            “Did he really?” Grandpa snickers. “I thought Lark would never outgrow his greed.”

            “Who knew, huh?” Who knew he could actually become greedier than he already is? “Oh, and I bought some of that cocoa bread you love. Let me get them from the kit—”

            A loud bang makes both of us jump in our seats.

            “Stay here, Gran.” I rush back inside and see five Bluecoats in the kitchen. The door that I entered through just a few minutes ago now lies on the hardpack ground. “Which deity gave you the right to—”

            “I gave them the right.”

            The Bluecoats make way for Dudley Martell, North Borough’s abominated mayor, who’s wearing his favorite pink robe secured at his wide hip by a thick strip of pink silk lace. Curly, red hair reaches his shoulders.

            My heartbeat quickens. Just the sight of his face is already an ill omen. “I would have been happy to be honored with your inspiring presence, Mayor, had you not broken down my door.”

            “I am not here to be inspiring. I am here to seek justice.” His wide set eyes, dark as mine, wander around. “I expected something more from the house of a former mayor,” he mumbles.

            “We don’t keep anything that isn’t of use,” I say, raising my chin.

            A smile appears on his plump face. “I can see that.”

            I think of the only weapon in the house: a butcher’s knife resting inside a drawer right beside me. What delight it would give me to cut out Dud’s entrails.

            “I don’t believe seeking justice includes insulting someone else’s home, Dudley.” Grandpa appears by the doorway opening to our bedroom, leaning on his scratched cane and beckoning me to come to him.

            “Yes, yes. Forgive me, Sire Vann. Just let me get my business here done with,” Dud says, mocking him with a bow before looking at me, and if not for Grandpa, I would have run away right then. “Seize the girl.”

            “Wait.” Grandpa pulls me behind him. “What is her charge?” he asks in an authoritative voice, sterner than the one he’d used to scold me when I was little.

            “Theft. Of my black diamond, no less,” Dud says.

            Gran turns to me, question and shock clear on his livened face.

            I could have been caught with the diamond, but I still wouldn’t be able to confess. Not in front of Grandpa. Not in front of the man who believed that he’d been successful at instilling his own sense of honor in the girl he picked up from the riverbank sixteen years ago.

            I can face anyone’s shame, even my own, but not his.

            “I assure you, Sire, the information came from a most reliable source,” Dud says. “Well, are you waiting for me to drag her out on my own?” he asks the Bluecoats. “Seize her!”

            The men do as he said, grabbing my wrists and pulling me out towards the bustling street. I glance back at Grandpa and immediately regret it because on his pale, withered face is something worse than disgust or anger.

            Helplessness.

            The Bluecoat squad waiting outside clears a way through the throng of curious onlookers. I don’t know how I walk with my knees turned to liquid, but I do. I force myself to face reality, the consequence of my actions, because I have no choice. If I flee, Dud will turn on Grandpa.

            And that will never be how I repay all the kindness he’s shown me.

            “Astrid!”

            At the sound of his voice—like fire in the harshest winter—I struggle against the hands holding me back and see Vic as tries to push past the line of guards to my right, but their trained bodies are too much for his bones. I’m glad he’s here, even if we’d argued just a few hours ago.

            Suddenly, the marching stops. Dudley has raised a hand, looking at Vic.

            “Ah, if it isn’t our lovely informant.”

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review Review · Mar 10, 2013

Hey Kazhy,
Here as requested once more.
I just skimmed through the other reviews, so forgive me if I repeat something.
Actually, I don't see much wrong with this. This is really good. I liked it better than chapter one.
I'll give you what I found though.

At this point the Wisdomatch isn't really decennial, right? I mean, perhaps it was and perhaps it will be, but at the moment, it's not. I don't know if it's really an issue. It just hit me as strange since ten years before there wasn't a Wisdomatch.

“Stay here, Gran.” I rush back inside and see five Bluecoats in the kitchen. The door that I entered through just a few minutes ago now lies on the hardpacked ground. “Which deity gave you the right to—”

You do a fairly good job of letting us see into what Astrid is feeling, but here you don't. This moment where she realizes what has happened, can be very telling. What are her initial reactions? Anger? Fear? A reaction without thought can tell us more about a character than a conversation can if done correctly.

Not in front of the man who believed that he’d been successful at instilling his own sense of honor in the girl he picked up from the riverbank sixteen years ago

This entire review is made up of opinions, but I've got one more thing.
Would a guardian in this situation really be called grandpa or am I misunderstanding? He's not actually related to her, correct? If he's been her main guardian for the entirety of her childhood and he's not actually her grandfather, why would her name for him be grandpa?

Oooh. Fantastic ending you've got there. That makes me want to go onto chapter 3. :) All of your characters so far have been marvelous. I have enjoyed and appreciated the crafting of each.
I'm afraid that's it for me. This isn't the best review ever. The ones before me did such a great job.
Any questions, PM me or hit up my wall.
Megsug

EnchantedPanda wrote a review Review · Feb 22, 2013

Hello kazhy419,

EnchantedPanda here to review as requested!

Holy cow this is awesome! It's better than the first chapter, a lot better. It's got an entirely different tone to it but the contrast is great, it's good to see how different their "job" is different to their everyday life and it really helps emphasize the intensity and the courage that it would take for them to steal other people property. It's really good to see such a strong difference and it helps the reader identify with some of the main characters interesting traits and characters. In the first chapter Astrid came off as slightly superior and it was hard to tell whether they were entirely good, but here you can really see that everything they're doing is to help their families and keep themselves alive. What Vic and Astrid are doing is brave and requires a lot of clever thinking and quick wits.

Now for some nitpicks;

I say, clutching my chest.


Clutching sounds awkward, and impossible. Try something like: "I say, raising my hand to my chest in mock horror." Or something that doesn't sound so... Odd? Because, well, is it even possible to clutch your chest?

“I believe you can st—” he looks gingerly around us, “—do our job well, but not this.


It seems kind of unlikely that Vic would just accidentally drop something that could put him in jail for the rest of his life. Up until now he's always been very careful and stealthy so it seems slightly out of character for him to just let that slip, especially I they've been stealing for so long. Try and stay accurate to the characters' personalities.

“Stay here, Gran.”


Hmm. I don't think this works. I see what you've tried to do with these two characters, show that they know each other very well. But I doubt that the Grandfather would actually appreciate being called gran, if Astrid ever called him that in the first place. The nickname thing's fine, just as long as the nickname you're using is fitting.

“Ah, if it isn’t our lovely informant.”


Oh my gosh, what a cliff hanger ending! This is really good. I can't believe that's what happened. So unexpected. This is really good, you're an expert at these shocking chapter endings. Good job!

Overall this is really good. I was hooked the entire way through and your writing really is amazing. I can actually read this and completely visualize the whole scene as it occurs. It's really rare to actually experience this when you're reading so props to you for having a great skill with imagery. I can't believe how well your plot is developing. With every paragraph it keeps and keeps on thickening and I can imagine lots of different branches of your plot that will all have a play in the outcome of the story. You've got me hung so keep on this awesome writing. I can't wait to read more from you so please inform me when you write more or if you have any comments or more review requests. I really loved this and I continue to be impressed at your awesome writing! Keep it up!

From EnchantedPanda <3

Loose replied · Feb 22, 2013

I have to disagree with you on the "clutching my chest" remark. It IS possible to clutch your chest (actresses do it all the time) and it reads much smoother than what you suggested. I say keep it how it was.

Okay so it IS possible to clutch your chest, turns out I was wrong about that. (sorry Kazhy) and I agree, the suggestion I provided WAS bad. However I do still think that rewording the sentence in question may help improve the writing, keeping in mind that everything I say in a review is purely a suggestion. I'm just sharing what I think, everyone is free to their own opinions. Thanks for your feedback.

User avatar
ikiru
Review
ikiru wrote a review Review · Feb 7, 2013

Wow! This is even better than the first! Okey dokey then here I go..

brimming coin bag.

I would say: bag brimming with gold coins.

Okay this is my own opinion but when I see the word Gran I think of Grandmother... but you can do whatever you want. :)

The men do as he said, grabbing my wrists and pulling me out towards the bustling street. I glance back at Grandpa and immediately regret it, because on his pale, withered face is something worse than disgust or anger.

Helplessness.


I would add one of these: ; to the end of anger then have helplessness right on the end of that paragraph, instead of a new one.

I love your story so far! PM me when you submit a new chapter!

--Iki

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Feb 6, 2013

Hi Kaz! So the title of this looked familiar and I took a glance at chapter one and-yes- I remember! I read that! And loved it. So I was really looking forward to Chapter Two and I have to say- it lived up to expectations! Another really strong, well-written piece that I really enjoyed :) You managed to world-build and character develop while still moving the plot along at a really pleasant pace.

A couple of points that I would like to discuss though: I don't know, I thought the prize would be more than a chest of gold, presuming this is a country with unfair division of wealth. If everyone's really poor then I guess it makes sense but if there are some rich people (which there seem to be) then I thought the prize would be a little more... impressive? I don't know.

I have one little nitpick- the mention of the mayor's hair- that could definitely wait until later. It seemed really awkward right where it was, I'd shove it in somewhere more suited :)

Other than that, of course I don't know the story but I think we'll find that Vic was tricked into revealing Astrid, I doubt he did it selfishly. All the same, the fight they have in the first part- if you're trying to convince us that he did betray her, I'd expect there to be a little more... I don't know, fighting? They seem to bicker a little and go their separate ways like they do this all the time, because then afterwards Astrid doesn't think about it that much. Having not read the rest I don't know how this fight fits in with their relationship as a whole or the plot as a whole- but right now I think it needs a little more development. Even being slightly longer could really help matters. It's just a little offputting at the moment.

But again, I seriously am being very pernickety, I really like this story, a lot! I can't wait to read more :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Feb 6, 2013

Hey Kaz!

Shady here with your review, as requested. As you know, I haven't followed this story, so please forgive any ignorance I may show as a result.

Straight to the review...

The person who bests in the most number of challenges
~ This reads awkwardly. Maybe "The person whose cumulative score is best at the close of the challenges"...okay, don't edit word for word, I struggled with it too.

“What, in the name of deities, does rudimentary mean?” I ask, waving the scroll in my hand.
~ "in the name of deities" doesn't sound natural. Like, if I don't understand a word, I don't say "What, in the name of God, does this mean?". I'll say something more like "What the heck does this mean?". Now, I'm not suggesting you use 'heck'. I'm definitely not. It's too modernish for fantasy. But you might re-consider your curse choice.

Do these Eminences think that the people who would care to join their contest are as educated as them?
~ When you ask rhetorical questions, be sure to make it sound like you're asking yourself, not your audience. The 'Do' makes this sound like the question was directed towards us, which is bad. Try 'Did'.

No danger is too much for a desperate man.


of those cocoa bread
~ Singular, 'that', not 'those'.

A swordsmith begins hammering a blade inside my chest.
~ I like the imagery you're trying to use here, but it took me several times of reading it to get what you meant. I thought someone had physically attacked her.

A smile appears on his swollen face.
~ Why is his face swollen? Do you mean fat? They're different things altogether.

I think of the only knife in the house: a butcher’s knife resting inside a drawer right beside me.
~ Try to stagger your vocabulary, and eliminate one 'knife'. Try 'meat cleaver' or 'blade' or some other synonym.

bowing a mockery before looking at me
~ Try "Bowing mockingly" instead.
~~~

General Comments

-Be careful with your punctuation. In the beginning, especially, you overuse exclamation points.

-'Grandpa' is a really modernish title, and modern isn't good in fantasy. "Grandfather" might be better.

-The "Empty East" and "Wealthy West" is...cheesy, sorry. Everyplace has slums, but I don't see anyone calling them the Empty East. We've got Valley Green for our slums-- a name. Wealthy West is even less believable. Sure, rich people can be pretentious, but not to that extent.

-Dudley is the name of an antagonist in Harry Potter, his fat cousin. You've got a very nice, obnoxious character who's very believable. Your description of him is wonderful. Bravo. However, you don't want people thinking of other books when they read your work.

~~~

Overall

Your piece needs a bit of love, but it's got potential. You've got a good storyline. It's interesting, and I'd like to read more about Astrid and Vic. Astrid seems a very strong, believable protagonist, and I was liking Vic until he was a double crosser at the end. Now I want to read the next chapter to see what happens. So get writing. ;)

Sorry if anything was too harsh. A lack of social gracing seems to be my downfall.

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)



I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield