Published August 16, 2007
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Good job!
First, "Unless you’re tyring to loose weight" should be "Unless you are trying to lose weight".
I think you should delete this sentence--it sort of confused me, and if you still want to keep it in, you should paraphrase it: "And he still wouldn’t know what I do and don’t like."
"Watching her eat, wash her face, watching her exist" wash her face? What do you mean by that? Plus, there should be -ing after the verb, whichever one you'll choose there.
It was funny and kind of poignant in a way. A few mistaked, but its simplicity made it more complicated. I saw that you took the title from Steinbeck. Did you also take the style (alternating points of view) or is it different? Because I liked it!
This was more humorous than sad, which was odd seeing as to how the girl in the story broke up with Paul...but somehow instead of that being like not right or whatever, the humorousness worked well with this I think. Maybe some more detail would be nice. Otherwise, there isn't anything else that needs to be done with this I don't think. Definitely good!
lose.
there's an awful lot to get rid of, even though our relationship was neither long nor prosperous.
This was pretty good Kay, nicely done. A quirky little story that is well executed, I thought this was really well done.
I really like this concept, even if the story itself has been short. It's amusing, well written, and somewhat insightful.
GRRRRRRRRRR! my computer isn't working, so I can't give a full-out critique.
ok, well this is a great story idea. really. it's just... dry. I mean, i read the words, but I don't "feel" them.
I think this would be a lot better if the whole thing was from monty's POV. I mean, when we first switched to Paul, I was soooooooooooo confused. took me a couple lines to realize what was going on. couldn't you put all the events into one POV?
i'll try to do a better critique when my computer cooperates.