//unraveled//
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My story begins where it ends, and where it ends is with me on the witness stand, pleading for the arrest of my own father. It’s a disclosed case overall, but a few people are sitting on the bare wooden benches, most of them connected to the trial from me, or my father, or the Institution. Milo and Justin are here, of course. It’s only now that Justin’s youngness really occurs to me. He didn’t seem so small before. Keith’s here, too, somehow different without his uniform. Tim, my big brother, and Allison, my best friend, are sitting next to each other. They’re the two people I feel absolutely closest to in the entire world. They’re so different, though. The contrast between them is striking. I’ve never really compared them side by side before, but now that I’m seeing it, they’re polar opposites. Allison’s super-girly and perpetually cheerful, whereas Tim is somewhat overprotective and basically a genius. Not that Allison isn’t smart. She’s just not the kind of person you would expect it from.
The judge is looking at me now as the prosecutor approaches the stand. I’m not quite sure what he’s waiting for. I want to get this over with. The lawyer shoots a glance at me. He seems to be trying to think of the right words. Finally, we make eye contact.
“Miss Halpert. If you would please share your…experiences with the court.” he says, voice nearing a hiss.
I need a breath. This is the moment-- I can finally reveal my father for the monster he truly is.
“My name is Megan Halpert. I am 17 years old. And everything I’m about to tell you is entirely and irrevocably true."
A/N: So clearly I've never posted on this site before. Please remember that this is a first draft. I've done little to no editing in it, and there are a couple missing things. It's also up on fictionpress. I'll post weekly until I catch up to where that is at, and then I'll probably just add along as I go.
Please review! :3
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141,445 Literary Works • 674,456 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so, this was a pretty solid prologue right here...I think we've got pretty much all of the things that you could expect from one of those in here aand this seems like it could make for quite a story too.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...that's a very interesting choice of opening right there, on one hands, it appears to be trying to tell us this person's story here with the mention of this witness stand thing, and the beginning where it ends part..it all seems to be connected to that one particular event before things take quite a sharp turn into sort of establishing these two closest people to our main character. I feel like those two things are a bit too different to be included in just the one paragraph there, especially cause both are rather important to the story...so, this is a pretty neat start, but you just need to split this up into at least two paragraphs here.
Well, this certainly seems like a very impactful case to this person here judging by them really wanting to get things over with. At any rate, this is a nice little paragraph here to establish that a bit more strongly than what the first paragraph already did here.
Hmm...well, that's a neat little ending there...its a pretty nice little cliffhanger that has a lot of promise for what's to come in the story here. Its a great place to end a prologue right here, cause it definitely makes you want to find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid start here, to a story that I certainly think I'd continue reading. I definitely enjoyed this prologue here. Aaand on that note, that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Howdy!
I’m going to review this for you! ☺
Youngness is quite a pathetic word, can you either rephrase this or think of another word?
This seems quite clumsy. Maybe something like: ‘He’s never seemed so small.’
There doesn’t need to be a comma after ‘here’.
I think an ellipses would work here.
I like the ending. I can’t wait to read more.. it’s been left on a cliffhanger; an exceedingly good cliffhanger.
Sorry, this should have been a review. It's the same as the comment below
I'm looking forward to this story. (I was in Mock Trial for four years, so anything that has to do with a court case intrigues me.) This prologue is pretty short, but it's descriptive without being over-wordy, which is nice. The first sentence is good, because it crystallises in medias res (which is my favourite form of opening).
I would say, though, that in your quest to be dramatic, you tend to use a lot of short sentences, which makes it read a bit choppy.
They’re the two people I feel absolutely closest to in the entire world. They’re so different, though. The contrast between them is striking.
There you have three sentences of roughly equal length right next to each other. Most of it is not like that, but I did notice that when I read through. Just switch it up a bit in the middle, and it should be fine.
Make sure you put a comma, not a period, before a close-quote if you're going to go on in the sentence.
Aaand the last two sentences are absolutely perfect. Dramatic cliffhangers are the best ending for a segment, like in medias res is the best opening.
Overall, an excellent prologue to what sounds like an interesting story...
MrsED
Hello, and welcome.
I'm looking forward to this story. (I was in Mock Trial for four years, so anything that has to do with a court case intrigues me.) This prologue is pretty short, but it's descriptive without being over-wordy, which is nice. The first sentence is good, because it crystallises in medias res (which is my favourite form of opening).
I would say, though, that in your quest to be dramatic, you tend to use a lot of short sentences, which makes it read a bit choppy.
There you have three sentences of roughly equal length right next to each other. Most of it is not like that, but I did notice that when I read through. Just switch it up a bit in the middle, and it should be fine.
Make sure you put a comma, not a period, before a close-quote if you're going to go on in the sentence.
Aaand the last two sentences are absolutely perfect. Dramatic cliffhangers are the best ending for a segment, like in medias res is the best opening.
Overall, an excellent prologue to what sounds like an interesting story...
MrsED