Her footsteps were unheard as she walked down the path that led to a raised rock in the middle of the deep lake. Even her tears were silent as they dripped from her pale face onto the cold rock below. Her cries of pain and sorrow would never fall upon listening ears as she stood at the base of the rock and looked up into the light she would never enter again. Inch by painful inch, she crawled up the jagged rock to the soft surface that lay on top. Through the hole in which that bright sunlight shone she could see into the world she had left. Her lover walked hand in hand with another girl. The girl above giggles at something he has whispered softly in her ear. The girl below winces and clutches her chest in pain, her hand reaching to the world beyond her reach. Her love brushes a strand of golden hair from the above girls soft face and leans down to kiss her sweet lips. The girl below utters a a cry of agony as she collapses to soft flat surface on top of that sharp rock. Her tears flow to make a stream running down to the sparkling lake below making ripples across the once stagnant pond. Her body wracks in agony as she looks through her transparent hand to the her love and his new wife walk arm in arm beyond her clouding sight.
Others like her have now come and look upon the shadow of a once bright and joyous girl. She is still dressed in her wedding clothes, now splattered with faded blood. They bow their heads in silent reverence to the girl taken from her happiest moment to the grave below. They listen to her now heard shaking sobs as she mourns for the life she will never have.
To the world above she is another lost woman taken before her time by another drunk driver. The car had struck the passenger side of the limo the new couple had taken on their way to their honeymoon. She died instantly while the husband had serious head and body injuries but managed to survive and make a full recovery. Her body was lowered into the ground three days later as her love lay recovering in the hospital. The drunk driver now has a life sentence for murder, but its too late for the woman. She is gone and nothing can bring her back.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Its a very absorbing piece of writing. The starting was a bit confusing, It looked like the girl was standing near the lake mourning for the loss of his love. But, still the way you described your character's feelings to their helpless situations is vivid and impressing.
This is a powerful piece, I'm not sure it should be in the non-fiction section though. You have descriptions in here with a lot of admirable depth.
One note I have is that you use the word "rock" three times in the first four sentences. This is unnecessary, but if you are doing it for emphasis I suggest you use synonyms to replace it.
Another note is that you use "the girl" several times to start a sentence. Although it's describing two different characters, I think it would make the piece more interesting if you changed the sentence structure, maybe start it with a verb instead of the subject, or used a different description to name the characters.
I quoted this because I really like the first sentence, and because the second one gave me a little trouble. I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say.
Finally, I think it would add more emphasis if you made this two separate sentences and took out the "and"
Thank you for the intense read.
This is a neat concept!
I was a little confused, though. Initially, I couldn't visualize the path along which she was traveling. At first, I was under the (apparently mistaken) impression that she was making her way across a lake, but I lost that sense as she stopped. The ending was confusing only because I thought the girl was comitting suicide (?) on the rock, and then it becomes clear that she died in a car accident. Is she dead, viewing the world "above" her? Or...?
In any case, I would like to see this fleshed out a little more, because I think this has definite potential and would make a good read!