Accents-- Elma

Ello! I'll be your reviewer today (British accent). I love this story because I totally relate. I think everything sounds better in an accent. But my accents always seem to blend together. I'll be speaking in a British accent and suddenly I have an Australian accent and then I'm Scottish. My favorite accent is French. But I digress, I shall move on with the review. My corrections are in red. At the bottom there is a summary of my overall opinion on the story.

When I entered the later half of my life—somewhere between forty and fifty—I began to realize that I was an adequate writer#FF0000 ">; that the goals and dreams that I had for so long weren’t really as far out of my reach as I#FF0000 ">'d once thought they were. In fact, I began to view them as attainable and have since put most of my energy towards writing.

It was also around this time that I began to notice what a zealous dreamer I was. I used to go imagine myself with several books published, all adored and bestsellers of course, and I would imagine myself going on talk shows—interviews like—and I would create questions and make up my answers to them. #FF0000 ">Not only is this a horribly run-on sentence, it is also difficult to read. Try breaking it down into two sentences. Read them out loud so that you know they flow.

Of course I couldn’t simply just pretend to be interviewed—that wasn’t fantastic enough. I would proceed to actually speak my part of the interview, usually in the shower when I could use the shower head as a microphone, or when I took long walks by myself and I didn’t think that anyone else could hear me. I have never been fond of my voice or the way that I speak. I sort of cut my words short at the end so that sometimes when I talk it’s as if I’m speaking an entirely different language. I’ve always thought that people with accents, particularly British accents, sound so beautiful. So that’s what I would do. I would walk around by myself, mumbling my answers to fanciful interview questions with my best British accent.

The funniest part is that I was completely serious when I was doing it. I didn’t laugh or later think it was funny. My life is full of make believe, of wondrous ideas that bounce around inside my head all day long, so I guess that pretending just comes easily to me. I sometimes still pretend that I’m a famous writer, but I don’t usually pretend to be interviewed anymore. Although I have noticed that I do sometimes think in an accent. I still think that the words sound prettier that way. If you read a sentence that seems incredibly cheesy and lame the first time you read it, you should always reread with an accent; it can make even the corniest of sentences seem meaningful. #FF0000 ">I love this line!


Character: Your character shows us quite a bit of her personality and her aspirations, which immediately makes your readers connect with her. However, since this story is told from her perspective, it needs to have her voice. And it doesn't. Fifty year old women talk differently than teenaged girls. If you want, you could make her in her early twenties and then it would sound more realistic. Also, we get no physical description of your protagonist which makes me sad. I imagine her as my neighbor, slightly overweight with short black hair streaked with gray and age spots on her hands. But this is your character so you are to tell me what she looks like.

Setting: This was not really explored in any detail since you did more telling than showing. You told us about her talking in the shower or taking long walks, but you don't describe these places. Does she walk in a suburban neighborhood, down by a winding river, or down a busy metropolitan street? Once again I am left to imagine where she walks, which is fine for me, but people with less active imaginations might find it dull.

Overall: It was a very short piece which made it both easy and difficult to critique. It was easy because there wasn't much to nitpick over. It was difficult because it doesn't give us much of a plot. I think the major problem was that it was pretty much all telling and no showing. And there is a lot of material here, that would be easy to show. Show her talking in the shower. Show her taking her long walks. Show her sitting down to write. If you struggle with this, read this article. And if you have any questions please feel free to PM me. I'd like to know when you have more posted, as I am interested in reading more.

kawriter wrote:Elma
When I entered the later half of my life—somewhere between forty and fifty—I began to realize that I was an adequate writer, that the goals and dreams that I had for so long weren’t really as far out of my reach as I once thought they were. In fact, I began to view them as attainable This is correct, but personally, I think it sounds better if you use ' view them as something I could do. Something not beyond my limits anymore.'and have since put most of my energy towards writing.
It was also around this time that I began to notice what a zealous dreamer I was. I used to go imagine myself with several books published, all adored and bestsellers of course, and I would imagine myself going on talk shows—interviews like—and I would create questions and make up my answers to them.
Of course I couldn't simply just pretend to be interviewed—that wasn’t fantastic enough. I would proceed to actually speak my part of the interview, usually in the shower where I could use the shower head as a microphone, or when I took long walks by myself and I didn’t think that anyone else could hear me.

I sort of cut my words short at the end so that sometimes when I talk it’s as if I’m speaking an entirely different language.